Relationships can be rewarding, fulfilling, a source of joy, and a reason to smile.
But when you date a narcissist, what starts as a romantic fantasy can quickly turn into a complex game of manipulation and control.
Narcissists are known for their ability to play mental chess with such dedication that they leave their partners confused and emotionally drained.
The best way to protect your mental health is to recognize their cunning tactics.
Here are 8 classic mind games narcissists play in a relationship.
Protect your soul at all costs.
1) Love Bombing
Love Bombing means showering someone with signs of admiration early in the relationship.
Early declarations of love. Expensive gifts. You express a strong desire to spend every minute of your time in their presence.
This is how narcissists get you hooked.
They are charming, so falling for them is easier than you think.
I met a guy at a wedding a few years ago, and we hit it off. We talked, danced, and kissed in the parking lot.
It’s usually at weddings.
He took me home, and I gave him my number.
Then things started to get weird.
I woke up to a bunch of texts from him, all about how great I was and how great our relationship was.
When I told him I was busy with work and couldn’t meet him for a few days, he acted shocked and dumped me, berating me for wasting something seemingly great.
Since we’d only spent a few hours together, that was a huge red flag—and I was grateful to whoever invented the blocking feature.
Narcissists use love bombing to create dependency, which makes it easier for them to manipulate their partner’s emotions later on.
Don’t fall for this trick.
2) Pretending to be a future
Pretending to be a future is a manipulation tactic where a person promises to fulfill their deepest desires at some point in time to get something they want now.
If you’re dating a narcissist, you’ll notice that their actions don’t quite match their words.
He will impress you with his grandiose promises but repeatedly fail to deliver.
For example, a narcissist will:
- Say he wants to be exclusive, but puts off making things official because monogamy is too cliché and you should both explore your options.
- Discuss plans for marriage and starting a family, but find reasons to delay such commitments as time goes on.
- Insist that you have a bright future of wealth and prosperity as long as you are willing to support him financially until he gets his act together.
- Tell you all about how he is considering therapy to become a better emotional supporter but never sets a date.
The key to faking a future is making assurances that are meant to appease you and provide a false sense of security.
The truth is that the narcissist has little intention of following through.
Recognize the pattern.
It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run.
3) Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation involves planting seeds of doubt in someone to make them question their memory or perception.
Narcissists may deny that something happened or insist that events happened differently than you remember.
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Or they may downplay your concerns with phrases like “You’re being too sensitive” and “You’re overreacting.”
They excel at twisting the facts and changing the details of events to better fit their narrative.
In time, you may question the accuracy of your version of the truth and begin to believe that they may be right.
Things only get worse from there.
4) Guilt
Guilt is a form of emotional manipulation where someone uses guilt as a tool to influence another person’s behavior.
You’ve probably experienced this tactic in your skin.
A parent made you feel guilty for not calling them more often because of your busy schedule.
Your elderly neighbor made you feel guilty for hosting a housewarming party and keeping her up past her bedtime.
(I gave you advance notice that things were going to get rough, Maria.)
While these examples are unlikely to leave lifelong scars, being in a relationship with a narcissist who repeatedly uses this technique can take a toll on your mental health.
Instead of taking responsibility for their behavior, the narcissist makes you feel remorseful.
Here’s how:
- They suggest that they will suffer severe emotional pain unless you comply with their wishes.
- They exaggerate their suffering or difficulties, forcing you to offer support or attention.
- They portray themselves as a victim of circumstances or relationships, making it impossible for them to assert their needs or boundaries.
- They remind you of past favors they’ve done for you to make you feel grateful for them.
- When you sacrifice for them, they minimize your efforts, making you feel like you’re never doing enough.
- When you blame them for something, they shift the blame, insisting that they’re the aggrieved party and making you reluctant to raise issues in the future.
5) Triangulation
As the name suggests, triangulation is a tactic that involves bringing a third person into the mix.
A narcissist does this to bolster their sense of superiority and keep you in a state of constant uncertainty.
For example, they might suddenly spend more time with a coworker or friend.
They’ll bring them up often, just to make you feel jealous or “less than.”
When you fear losing them to someone else, they gain power.
By comparing you unfavorably to this third person, they create a sense of competition.
You’ll want to prove your worth, so you might give them more attention or work harder on your appearance/behavior to match your partner’s ideal.
In reality, you are worthy just the way you are.
No one who makes you feel inferior has your best interest at heart.
6) Undermining
Similarly, undermining holds a special place among the classic mind games that narcissists play in a relationship to gain the upper hand.
A narcissist is adept at offering relentless criticism and will criticize your appearance, intelligence, decisions, or abilities.
This erodes your self-esteem and makes you more vulnerable to their manipulation attempts.
They may also belittle your accomplishments and discourage you from engaging in any type of activity that helps you grow.
In short, they want you to depend on them as much as possible.
When that doesn’t work, they resort to using heavy weapons.
Which brings us to the next point.
7) The Silent Game
Withholding affection is an old-fashioned but good weapon, readily available in any narcissist’s arsenal.
When they don’t get what they want, narcissists give you the silent treatment and stop being supportive.
They retreat into a cold cocoon that you can’t break through until you admit the error of your ways.
This (evil) tactic creates an atmosphere where you fear losing love and validation if you don’t comply with their wishes.
They often use it when you challenge their authority or fail to meet their expectations.
Narcissists always want to get you back on track.
Meanwhile, a truly loving partner is there for you through thick and thin.
Even when you disagree. Even when you fight. Even when you make a mistake.
Don’t let the fear of abandonment cloud your judgment.
8) Isolation
Finally, a self-devoted narcissist may slowly but surely try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
What is their ultimate goal?
That you rely solely on them for emotional support.
They will discourage you from hanging out with friends and convince you that your relatives take you for granted.
They will undermine your relationships to the point that you disconnect from everyone except them.
What’s worse is that this doesn’t happen overnight.
They do this gradually by playing with your mind, spreading rumors, and creating conflict.
You may not even notice their plots until the damage is already done.
Final Thoughts
One of the worst things about dating a narcissist is that you spend most of your time focusing on them and their needs.
You wake up one day to realize that you’ve lost a huge part of yourself in the process.
A relationship with a narcissist can be successful if the person is self-aware, works on themselves, and is willing to accommodate their partner.
But if you notice that your partner is actively trying to erode your self-esteem, walk away from them completely.
Don’t hurt yourself over and over again in a misguided attempt to make them happy.
You deserve to be happy, too.
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