Narcissists who lack empathy for how their actions affect others feel entitled to exploit others. This makes it especially important to set firm boundaries with them. Here are seven effective techniques:
- Don’t justify, explain, or defend yourself. Narcissists use scrutiny or intimidation to make others doubt themselves. This gives them a sense of power and control.
Part of setting boundaries is having the right to decide what you share with others. The less you share, especially personal information, the less a narcissist can use against you.
You don’t need to justify your thoughts, feelings, or actions to a narcissist. If a narcissist criticizes you, you can say something like, “I hear your opinion and will consider it.” If he questions your actions, say, “I’m confident in my choice.” If he asks for an explanation, say, “That’s personal,” or “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”
- Walk away when it doesn’t feel healthy. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get out of a destructive interaction. You, not others, determine what is healthy for you.
You can look at your watch and say, “Look at the time: I’m late.” Then walk away. Why are you late? It doesn’t matter. Every moment you spend in the presence of a controlling or abusive behavior makes you late for healthy self-care.
Your cell phone can be a helpful prop. No one can know for sure if you’ve received a call. Say, “I’m sorry, I have to take this call.” Then walk away. Or, predetermine how many minutes you want to give the narcissist, then set an alarm on your phone or watch to go off at that time. When the alarm goes off, apologize.
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Or address the unhealthy behavior directly by saying something like, “I apologize. We can talk another time when you’re ready for a constructive conversation,” or, “This isn’t healthy. I won’t engage in this type of conversation.”
- Decide what you will and won’t tolerate. A key component of setting healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no, and doing so. Ask yourself what you’re willing to accept from others and what you’re not. For example, you might be okay with gentle banter but not sarcasm. You might be okay with emotional expressions of opinion but not name-calling or bullying.
One way to draw the line is to say, “If you continue calling me names, I’m ending our conversation until you’re willing to treat me with respect.” You don’t need to elaborate. If the narcissist’s aggressive behavior continues, walk away or hang up the phone. Refuse to engage in further interaction, no matter what he or she does or says.
When you set boundaries like this, narcissists may resort to their usual tactics: arguing; blaming; Downplaying your feelings; acting like a victim; saying you’re overly sensitive; or getting really angry. While these tactics may be unpleasant, your boundaries are not up for negotiation.
- Learn how to deftly avoid intrusive questions or negative comments. Skilled political propagandists will simply avoid tough questions from reporters by answering a different question—one they generally wish they were asked, one that would advance their agenda.
Similarly, if a narcissist asks a trolling question, you can change topics gracefully. And if a narcissist who has a history of criticizing your spending, career choices, or personal relationships starts to question you in a familiar way, why do you do it again? Instead, say something like, “These are the kinds of challenges that build character, right?”
Or move on to a topic the narcissist loves to talk about. Ask them for their thoughts on the secret to a good relationship or how they made a tough career or financial decision.
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While their answers may be full of clichés, at least they’ll be focusing on their favorite topic—themselves—rather than you. You might pick up on some ideas. Plus, you might feel validated for subtly shifting the conversation.
- Grab the bully by the horns. Narcissists crave attention and approval to counter deep, unconscious feelings of emptiness and unworthiness. As a result, they endlessly test to see what they can get away with.
One way to meet this is to point out what they’re doing. For example, say, “Are you trying to put me down or make me feel bad?” or, “I’ve noticed that when I start talking, you interrupt me.”
Say things like this in a practical way. It doesn’t matter how they respond. Take comfort in knowing that you’ve put a name to what’s happening, and leave it at that.
- Don’t underestimate the power of narcissism. Remember, narcissists have spent their lives learning how to devalue and take advantage of others. Narcissism is a powerful psychological phenomenon based on distorted views of self, others, and the world.
Most people feel stressed by narcissistic tactics. And if you grew up in a narcissistic environment or are in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, you may have been conditioned to accept unhealthy behavior.
If you didn’t set healthy boundaries in a given situation, be kind to yourself. Decide what you want to do differently next time and move on. Setting boundaries isn’t a one-time thing.
- Remember: Good boundaries include consequences. Part of setting boundaries is knowing what you’re prepared to do if your boundaries are ignored. Consequences work best when they’re clear in your mind ahead of time. Then, when boundaries are violated, act on your chosen consequences immediately and firmly, every time. Otherwise, you risk losing credibility.
