Key Points
Some narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics as a primary way to get their selfish needs met.
Passive-aggressive narcissists tend to become covertly hostile when they don’t get what they want, no matter how unreasonable it may seem.
Blaming others for their own irresponsibility, negligence, or failures can be a sign of passive-aggressive narcissists.
“Whenever my husband feels like he’s not being cared for, he makes everything harder, while saying that nothing is wrong.” — Anonymous
“My partner’s favorite tactic when she doesn’t get what she wants is to take longer to get things done.” — Anonymous
“My partner deals with our relationship problems through avoidance, neglect, and blame.” —Anonymous
The Mayo Clinic research team defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an exaggerated sense of their own self-importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Passive aggression can be defined as anger, hostility, and/or learned helplessness that is disguised and expressed in subtle ways to “even the score” and gain a hidden advantage.
While many narcissists appear grandiose and intrusive on the outside, some narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics as a primary means of satisfying their selfish needs or of exacting “punishment” on those who fail to meet their whims.
It is important to note that not all passive-aggressive individuals have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What characterizes passive-aggressive narcissists is their persuasive sense of superiority, arrogance, and entitlement. They tend to become covertly hostile when they do not get what they want, no matter how unreasonable it may seem. If the world does not revolve around them (as they believe they deserve), they will devise various sabotage schemes to make the lives of those around them miserable.
How do you know if you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive narcissist? Here are seven clear signs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and How to Successfully Deal with Passive-Aggressive People. When a passive-aggressive narcissist does not get what he or she wants, he or she is likely to incite one or more of the following crimes, with no awareness (or concern) of how his or her behavior affects others.
- Covert Verbal Hostility
Examples: Negative gossip. Negative orientation. Habitual criticism of ideas, circumstances, and expectations. Addressing an adult like a child. Invalidating the experiences and feelings of others.
Possible intentions: Putting others down to feel dominance and superiority. Making others feel inadequate and insecure to relieve one’s own feelings of inferiority. Seeking a false sense of importance through constant criticism. Spreading one’s own unhappiness intentionally or unintentionally (misery loves company). Competing for power and control in a relationship.
- Disguised hostile humor
Examples: Sarcasm. Disguised hostile humor – often followed by “just kidding.” Repeated provocation. Subtle “mocking” of a person’s appearance, gender, socio-cultural background, qualifications, behavior, decisions, social relationships, etc.
Possible intentions: Expressing hidden anger, disapproval, or rejection toward someone. Showing contempt for someone for what they stand for. Using humor as a weapon in an attempt to marginalize another person’s humanity, dignity, and credibility.
- Disguised relational hostility
Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible treatment. Social exclusion. Neglect. Depressed resentment. Indirectly hurting something or someone important to the target.
Possible intentions: Expressing anger or resentment. Carrying out covert punishment. Intentionally creating a negative and unpleasant environment. Throwing the target off balance. Attempting to create a state of insecurity.
It is important to note that not all passive-aggressive individuals have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What characterizes passive-aggressive narcissists is their persuasive sense of superiority, arrogance, and entitlement. They tend to become covertly hostile when they do not get what they want, no matter how unreasonable it may seem. If the world does not revolve around them (as they believe they deserve), they will devise various sabotage schemes to make the lives of those around them miserable.
How do you know if you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive narcissist? Here are seven clear signs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and How to Successfully Deal with Passive-Aggressive People. When a passive-aggressive narcissist does not get what he or she wants, he or she is likely to incite one or more of the following crimes, with no awareness (or concern) of how his or her behavior affects others.
- Covert Verbal Hostility
Examples: Negative gossip. Negative orientation. Habitual criticism of ideas, circumstances, and expectations. Addressing an adult like a child. Invalidating the experiences and feelings of others.
Possible intentions: Putting others down to feel dominance and superiority. Making others feel inadequate and insecure to relieve one’s feelings of inferiority. Seeking a false sense of importance through constant criticism. Spreading one’s unhappiness intentionally or unintentionally (misery loves company). Competing for power and control in a relationship.
- Disguised hostile humor
Examples: Sarcasm. Disguised hostile humor – often followed by “just kidding.” Repeated provocation. Subtle “mocking” of a person’s appearance, gender, socio-cultural background, qualifications, behavior, decisions, social relationships, etc.
Possible intentions: Expressing hidden anger, disapproval, or rejection toward someone. Showing contempt for someone for what they stand for. Using humor as a weapon in an attempt to marginalize another person’s humanity, dignity, and credibility.
- Disguised relational hostility
Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible treatment. Social exclusion. Neglect. Depressed resentment. Indirectly hurting something or someone important to the target.
Possible intentions: Expressing anger or resentment. Carrying out covert punishment. Intentionally creating a negative and unpleasant environment. Throwing the target off balance. Attempting to create a state of insecurity.
