It’s good to be nice, right?
In general, yes.
But when a narcissist is in the picture, you might want to reconsider how nice you are. That’s because narcissists are excellent manipulators who exploit the good intentions of others just to get their way.
And all that good energy you carry around inside of you would be better spent on people who appreciate it and feel the same way.
So, if you find yourself wondering about the ways a narcissist might take advantage of your kindness and make you feel taken advantage of…
Here are 7 examples.
1) They’ll make you feel guilty for doing what they want
Here’s a story for you: A friend of mine lives with her husband and single mom.
While she loves her mom, she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a home with her anymore because her mom is constantly stirring up trouble, won’t listen to constructive criticism, and thrives on conflict.
Every time she tries to come up with a solution, her mom gets mad and guilt-trips her into maintaining the status quo.
“Nobody cares about me! Nobody! Not even my daughter!”
“You might as well send me to live under a bridge!”
“This hurts so bad, I feel sick to my stomach! I think I might be sick.”
After discussing her mother’s behavior in more depth, we concluded that she exhibited very typical narcissistic traits, including a lack of empathy, complete self-absorption, a constant need for attention, and emotional manipulation.
Yes. That’s not great.
However, it helped my friend look at the issue from a new perspective and realize that she needed to set firmer boundaries and practice a little emotional detachment.
Guilt only works if you allow yourself to feel guilty.
2) They’ll constantly ask you for favors
There’s a saying my mom likes to use: “Offer a finger, and they’ll bite your arm off.”
While the point of this saying is to be careful about who we choose to help and spend our energy on, it also describes relationships with narcissists very well.
If you show them how kind you are, they may latch onto that energy and exploit it as much as they can.
Can you cover their shift again?
Can you babysit their kids four times a week?
Can you do this and that?
This is because narcissists’ limited empathy makes them susceptible to seeing others as a means to an end.
If you can give them something of value, they’ll see you as useful; if all you can offer is friendship with healthy boundaries, they may not be as interested.
3) They’ll make you feel like you owe them
The only reason a narcissist would return your kind energy and do you some favors is because they want to make you feel like you owe them.
They’ll rarely do something just because they want to be a good person. More often than not, they’ll unconsciously think of their act of kindness as a form of insurance—they scratched your back, so now you need to scratch theirs.
If you don’t, they’ll use it against you: “I can’t believe it! I did X and Y for you, and this is how you repay me. What kind of friend are you?”
To narcissists, almost everything is a transaction. If you owe them a favor and you don’t do it, they’ll feel insulted and cheated.
4) They’ll look for validation instead of connection
Another way narcissists take advantage of your kindness is more covert—through something as simple as a conversation.
How, you might ask?
Well, narcissists typically like to talk about themselves to gain validation from others.
They’ll either brag and boast about their accomplishments, or they’ll talk about something they know a lot about to seem smart, or they’ll regurgitate trauma so you feel sorry for them.
Whatever it is, they need someone to listen to them. You don’t necessarily need to offer advice or even show any proper engagement—as long as you’re there, they’ll feel encouraged to talk about themselves and feed off your energy.
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If you’re kind and empathetic, you may feel inclined to listen to them talk constantly and even enable this behavior by pretending to be interested.
However, no matter how curious you are or how hard you try to move the conversation in a direction that allows you to truly connect, the narcissist in question has only one goal: to feel validated.
5) They’ll praise your kindness as positive reinforcement
If someone is constantly telling you how nice you are, it will be hard for you to do something they consider unkind.
You don’t want to disappoint them, do you? Their expectations are very high, after all, and the people pleaser inside you wants to meet those expectations so that no one gets upset and everything is okay.
Unfortunately, this is another weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal.
They will praise you, compliment you, and tell you how much they appreciate your kindness and compassion as a form of positive reinforcement.
If you try to set firm boundaries or do something they don’t like, they can immediately use the guilt card because they’ve set the perfect dynamic for it: “I can’t believe you would do that! I thought you were so kind, I thought you cared about me! I was so wrong!”
This automatically puts you in a position where you have to defend yourself and prove your love and kindness instead of discussing the issue at hand as you originally planned.
Emotional manipulation in a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen.
6) They’ll flip the narrative so they don’t have to take responsibility
I was once friends with a narcissist. Of course, I didn’t realize she was a narcissist at the time, but looking back, it’s all pretty clear.
Every time she did something to hurt me—she’d crack a bad joke, be a little controlling, or make a fuss when things didn’t go her way—and I’d bring it up in the hopes that we could have a conversation about it, she’d end up flipping the narrative.
“What I did was part of who I was. Now you’re saying I did something wrong, even though I was just being myself. That hurts. Just say you hate me and be done with it.”
I’ve mastered the art of projection and evasion, and most of our serious conversations ended with me comforting her and apologizing.
This is how narcissists exploit your kindness—they’ll flip the narrative to make you feel bad and say you’re sorry. As a result, you’ll feel too afraid to be honest about your true feelings and harbor resentment for years.
The relationship will become toxic, and before you know it, you’ll be trying to find a way to cut that person off because you can’t stand them anymore.
I’ve been there before. Trust me when I say that no matter how scary it may feel to end a toxic relationship or friendship, it’s also one of the best things you can do for your mental health.
7) They’ll feed on your energy
Narcissists can only take advantage of your kindness if you’re investing a lot of emotional energy into the relationship.
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What’s their worst nightmare?
Breaking up.
Don’t enable them when they’re feeling sorry for themselves and rambling on for half an hour. Don’t let them overstep your boundaries. Say “no” when you need to.
If you don’t want to cut that person out of your life for whatever reason, it’s best to keep your relationship with them nice and superficial.
Your kindness should be appreciated and cherished. Give it to people who love you for who you are, not for what you can offer them. Share it with those who truly care about you.
