The journey from physical or emotional abuse to recovery is not an easy path. It will be sure to restore your self-esteem and confidence so you can start loving yourself again. Once you know the secrets to healing yourself, you will feel motivated and empowered to find the light and make a brighter future in your life after an abusive relationship.
While some wounds heal, different wounds—wounds that the relationship itself hides—erupt from pain.
Seven facts about life after an abusive relationship that mostly remain in the shadows.
Looking from the outside, you might think that when someone finally escapes from an abusive relationship, the worst is over. No more torture. Hell no more. No more emotional blackmail or physical violence. And with the source of the wound removed, healing can begin.
But after the external danger has passed, and the abuser (at least physically) is out of the picture, the survivor’s inner journey is only just beginning. And parts of it can be, surprisingly, crueler and more painful, in a way, than the suffering they endured at the hands of their executioners.
While some wounds heal, different wounds—wounds hidden by the relationship itself—run out in agony, not only jeopardizing healing but also causing the survivor to wonder if coming out was worth it.
This is one of the reasons it takes the average survivor of intimate partner violence seven times to leave for good. This is one of the reasons why most people don’t know why it takes so long to heal.
Here are seven unspoken (or rarely spoken) facts about the unique challenges survivors face after they come out.
- You have to stop living in denial.
It takes rewriting your entire self-concept to include your victimization without allowing yourself to become a victim.
After you’ve come out and past abuse has come out in the open, you’ll be forced to acknowledge it instead of pretending, at least on some level, that it wasn’t happening. This requires you to incorporate the terrible things that have happened to you into your identity, without letting them define you. It’s way beyond reinventing yourself by changing careers or making a massive paradigm shift.
It takes rewriting your entire self-concept to include your victimization without allowing yourself to become a victim. There is a kind of sleight of hand involved in this similar to what a magician does when he passes knives through the lady in the box but doesn’t actually cut through her, because letting go of one self-concept (in which you have invested months or years of your life) before the new person is fully formed It requires an act of faith.
- You need to walk away — and walk away — from something you thought was his love.
No matter how you look at it, it’s heartbreak. loss of innocence. Shattered hopes and dreams. And unbearable loneliness. How can you pine for someone who hurt you? How can you long to go back when you know it’s the worst thing you can do? Because you didn’t want to give up on love, or what you convinced yourself was love, or what part of you saw as an opportunity for love.
And because your feelings don’t change when you decide you can’t live with someone. You may switch from love to hate, but the intensity is no different, and in many cases, you (or a part of you that hates them) may still love that person, even though you know they’re unhealthy and unsafe. You want it to be better, it never ends. You had no choice, however, and your choice was terrifyingly difficult.
- You have to learn from your unhealthy coping strategies.
You’ve learned to be submissive and silent, to second or even third-guess yourself, to begin every sentence with “I’m sorry.”
You’ve learned every trick to try to make your offender happy, or at least to avoid making them angry. You’ve learned to be submissive and silent, to second or even third-guess yourself, and to begin every sentence with “I’m sorry.” I learned to navigate minefields and stay out of the line of fire.
To overcome your insecurities, tread carefully on eggshells, and act as if parts of your needs, desires, and dreams never existed. You have learned to underestimate your worth and accept totally unacceptable treatment. The mental bends you’ve gone through to achieve a modicum of harmony and keep yourself – and perhaps your children – safe from harm are staggering.
And they are all not only useless but unproductive and unhealthy in a healthy, supportive relationship. So you become the newbie of the relationship again.
- You have to mend broken bonds with family and friends.
Some relationships may never regain the closeness and intimacy they once had.
This is one of the most difficult tasks for a survivor, especially if you deny the abuse and stand up for your abuser while it is happening. These important relationships have been damaged, and while your family and friends may be tremendously supportive, you may not be aware of the extent of their pain — and they may not want to burden you during the early part of your recovery.
