One of my favorite TV shows is Everybody Loves Raymond. It reminds me of our family when we were growing up, my brother was the favorite child, so I can understand the toxic rivalry between brothers Robert and Raymond.
However, comedy shows aside, research suggests that favoring one child over another can have long-lasting effects. My brother’s favored status has affected each of us in different ways, and continues to do so. Here are 7 toxic results.
Favorite child
Growing up, it was clear that my brother was the favorite child in our family. He didn’t have any chores, while my sisters and I had a list. He went to university, but had to leave school at sixteen to help fund his education. I left the house as soon as I could get away, as did my sisters. But my brother never left.
Now that we are adults, we can justify and talk about his favoritism. However, for a long time after that, our relationship with him was strained. There is no doubt that it affected us as much as it affected him. So why do parents have a favorite child?
Causes of nepotism
Parents prefer children for many reasons. Birth order is a good example. The couple’s first child will always hold a special place in the parents’ heart. Young children can be a favorite because parents know this is their last child.
The child may remind his parents of himself or have the same feelings or sense of humor. Perhaps the favorite child is easier to get along with or more attractive. Even gender can be a deciding factor. If a child is difficult, rude, or aggressive, the parent may prefer the company of his or her other children.
Nepotism manifests itself in different ways as well. Nepotism can be obvious, as is the case with my brother. It can also come from different caregivers. For example, my mother-in-law adored her first grandchild and created her email address as “Tomsnanna.” She had five other grandchildren, but it was a long-standing joke that Tom was her favorite.
Nepotism can be secret. Parents may not even realize that they prefer one child. Research suggests that children only have to believe their siblings are getting better treatment in order to be affected.
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“It does not matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has detrimental effects on all siblings.” Dr. Carl Bellmer, Ph.D., director of the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging
So, what happens when a favorite child becomes an adult?
7 Toxic consequences of a favorite child
- Disadvantaged children “behave badly” when they are younger
The Maternal Differentiation Study shows that favored children externalize their behavior by acting out and getting into trouble. This may be attention-seeking behavior, intended to force the parent to respond.
However, the study also indicated that they internalized their feelings and were more likely to develop depression at an older age.
- The favored child feels guilt or contempt toward his or her siblings
According to the Adult Sibling Relationships Survey, favoritism can cause a favored child to feel guilty about his or her parents’ actions. This can lead to submissive behavior and even a tendency to coercion or manipulation from their siblings.
It can also give them a feeling of superiority over their siblings, leading to contemptuous behaviour.
- Deprived children feel jealous of their siblings
Disadvantaged brothers and sisters may experience feelings of jealousy toward the favored child. Feelings of anger and resentment can accompany a child into adulthood. Until siblings resolve this issue, jealousy can be a constant source of conflict.
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“Less fortunate children may have ill will toward their mother or favorite sibling, and being the favorite child brings resentment from siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations.” Dr. Carl Bellmer
- Favorite children turn into arrogant narcissists
Praising a child too much for his or her unrealistic efforts can create entitlement and inflated ego. Favoring a child or giving him special treatment allows him to develop a great sense of self without deserving it.
Characteristics of grandiose narcissists include anger and denial of one’s weaknesses. When their needs or expectations are not met, they become angry.
- Disadvantaged children turn into vulnerable narcissists
Being the unfavorite child can lead to feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, and inferiority. The disfavored child feels unloved and worthless in the eyes of his parents. They spend their adult lives searching for reassurance and rely on others to boost their self-esteem.
Vulnerable narcissists are sensitive to criticism or rejection. They are also prone to violent outbursts, but this quickly turns into a shame.
- There is always conflict in your family
Most studies on parental preference focus on mothers, but evidence suggests that fathers’ preference has a similar effect on the child. Father’s dissatisfaction negatively affects sibling warmth. Siblings with warm relationships enjoy intimacy and provide support to each other. Associated with low levels of conflict.
Sibling conflict has negative, long-term effects on children’s mental health. Studies link depression and loneliness in late life to high levels of conflict.
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“Sibling conflict and parental favoritism were positively associated with symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness.” Mark E Feinberg, et al.
- You are far from your brothers
One study showed that children who grew up in a family with a favorite child were more likely to be separated from a sibling in adulthood. In America, 30% of children who noticed parental favoritism said that they stopped talking to a family member. This percentage is significantly lower in families without favorites.
The same study showed that in families with favoritism, children with problems were less likely to seek support from their parents.
