Covert narcissists are experts in subtle manipulation. Unlike the overt narcissist, who is loud and brash in their need for attention and validation, the covert narcissist uses more understated tactics to control their targets. Their methods are sneakier and harder to detect, making it difficult for others to realize they’re being manipulated. But beneath their calm exterior, covert narcissists are just as self-centered and controlling as their overt counterparts. Understanding the types of phrases and tactics they use can help you break free from their influence.
In this article, we’ll discuss seven things covert narcissists commonly say to control you and how you can recognize and resist their manipulative strategies.
1. “I never said that.” – Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a classic manipulation tactic used by both overt and covert narcissists, but covert ones are particularly skilled at it. By denying things they’ve said or done, they make you question your own memory and perception of reality. If you confront them about something hurtful they said or did, they’ll simply respond with, “I never said that,” making you doubt your recollection.
This is a form of psychological manipulation designed to destabilize you, leaving you confused and dependent on them for your sense of reality.
How to Respond:
Trust your own memory and intuition. Keep a record of conversations if needed.
Don’t engage in debates about what was or wasn’t said. Stick to the facts and your feelings.
2. “You’re too sensitive.” – Invalidating Your Feelings
Covert narcissists often downplay or dismiss your emotions by telling you that you’re “too sensitive” or that you’re overreacting. This tactic is used to invalidate your feelings, making you feel guilty or ashamed for having an emotional reaction. By framing you as the one with the problem, they can avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful behavior.
For example, if you express hurt over something they did, they’ll tell you, “You’re just being too emotional,” as a way to shift the blame onto you.
How to Respond:
Don’t let them dictate how you should feel. Your emotions are valid.
Set boundaries and calmly state that your feelings matter, even if they don’t acknowledge them.
3. “I didn’t mean it like that.” – Dodging Accountability
When a covert narcissist is confronted with their bad behavior, they’ll often downplay their actions by saying, “I didn’t mean it like that.” This is a way of deflecting blame and making it seem like you’ve misunderstood them. Instead of apologizing or taking responsibility, they’ll twist the situation to make you feel like the problem lies with you, not them.
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This tactic allows them to avoid accountability while still maintaining control over your emotional state.
How to Respond:
Stay firm in your interpretation of their actions. Don’t let them downplay their behavior.
Ask them to clarify what they “meant” and hold them accountable for any hurt caused.
4. “Everyone else agrees with me.” – Triangulation
Covert narcissists often use triangulation to create doubt and insecurity in their victims. They’ll say things like, “Everyone else agrees with me,” to make you feel isolated and unsupported. By claiming that other people are on their side, they can make you question your own perspective and feel like you’re the odd one out.
This manipulation tactic is designed to make you feel insecure, alone, and dependent on their validation.
How to Respond:
Don’t fall into the trap of seeking external validation for your feelings.
Recognize triangulation for what it is—a manipulation tactic to make you doubt yourself.
5. “You’re lucky I’m so patient with you.” – Subtle Criticism
A covert narcissist will often disguise their criticism as a backhanded compliment. They might say something like, “You’re lucky I’m so patient with you,” which sounds like they’re being generous, but is actually a subtle way of putting you down. This kind of remark is designed to make you feel inferior and grateful for their “tolerance,” when in reality they’re undermining your self-esteem.
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This tactic keeps you constantly seeking their approval, making you easier to control.
How to Respond:
Don’t let their disguised criticism erode your self-esteem. See it for what it is—manipulation.
Respond confidently, acknowledging their statement without internalizing the put-down.
6. “After everything I’ve done for you.” – Playing the Martyr
Covert narcissists are experts at playing the martyr to make you feel guilty and indebted to them. They’ll frequently remind you of all the “sacrifices” they’ve made for you, often exaggerating or fabricating their contributions. Phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” are meant to guilt-trip you into compliance and make you feel like you owe them.
This tactic is especially effective because it leverages your empathy against you, making you feel ungrateful for not meeting their demands.
How to Respond:
Don’t allow yourself to be guilted into submission. Recognize the manipulation behind their words.
Acknowledge their contributions if they’re valid, but don’t let that overshadow your own needs and boundaries.
7. “I’m just trying to help you.” – Feigned Concern
One of the covert narcissist’s favorite tactics is to disguise their control as concern. They’ll often say things like, “I’m just trying to help you,” when what they’re really doing is trying to control your decisions or actions. By pretending to have your best interests at heart, they can manipulate you into doing what they want without you realizing it.
For example, they might criticize your choices or give unsolicited advice, framing it as a way to “help” you when, in reality, they’re undermining your independence and self-confidence.
How to Respond:
Politely but firmly decline their “help” if it doesn’t serve your needs.
Set boundaries and maintain control over your own decisions.
Taking Back Your Power
Covert narcissists use subtle but powerful language to manipulate and control those around them. By recognizing the phrases and tactics they use, you can protect yourself from falling into their traps. Whether it’s gaslighting, invalidating your feelings, or playing the martyr, each of these strategies is designed to keep you emotionally off-balance and dependent on their approval.
The key to breaking free from a covert narcissist’s control is awareness. Once you understand how they manipulate through language, you can begin to set healthy boundaries, trust your own instincts, and reclaim your emotional independence.
