Did you know that there are certain things narcissists say to get you back when you’ve finally kicked them to the curb?
Or maybe they concocted fake trash to make you think you ruined your chances with them and now they’re hovering over you, making you think there’s a snowball chance in Hades for true love with them?
Narcissists will rarely admit it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are happening under the radar of your awareness.
You know that constant, vague feeling of dread you get in your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or are they telling the truth? It is your intuition that can cause physical sensations in the body.
However, empathetic and intuitive people sometimes get into trouble by not listening to their intuition, which is very common when they find themselves in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
Admittedly, when it seems like a narcissist will go out of his way to win you back, it’s easy to mistake their ruse for genuine scolding and a desire to make things work when it’s a calculated appeal to your emotionality and timing to pick you up at a vulnerable moment—often when you’re feeling vulnerable or contemplative. It is a scheme designed to manipulate your feelings in an attempt to make you soften and come to terms.
It’s called Hoover.
Hoovering is a technique used by con artists and narcissists to return their victims to a relationship with them by showing them enhanced or desirable behavior. It is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because not only does the stuttering narcissist want to pick you up again, but he will eventually treat you like dirt.
In this article, you will learn the most common things narcissists say to get you back, as well as how to silence the narcissist in your life who is manipulating your feelings and using you ruthlessly.
Verbal deception – things narcissists say to get you back
We all know to avoid people who seem crazy or offensive and not get into or maintain intimate relationships with them. However, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at masking the oddities of their personalities and behavior (and pathological agendas). The narcissist in your life—who uses very specific techniques of psychological manipulation—employs sheer deception to try to win you back while keeping hidden secrets that will bring you to your knees.
Below, I chart the most common things narcissists say to get you back. The all-too-common verbal negatives of narcissistic spouses, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy—and the maneuvers they pull on you to trick you into returning to a relationship with them, greatly diminish your real chance at freedom and a life without feeling traumatized.
“I have decided to go to counseling”
After many silent treatments, acts of disappearance, and bait-and-switch schemes implemented by the narcissist, you tell them you can’t live this way anymore and give them the boot they so desperately need. They come back later, look at you straight-faced and wholeheartedly, and say, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. I know it’s important to you and I want to make this work, so I decided to go to counseling.”
Reality – The illusion that they are willing to “make it work” and go to counseling is one of the narcissists’ favorite tricks. This could be about anger management issues, alcoholism, excessive jealousy, infidelity, or sex/porn addiction (often, a combination of all of the above).
It is nothing more than a way to buy time. They have no intention of being honest in the therapist’s chair, and in fact, will take advantage of the opportunity to make you look unbothered, using their trip to the doctor’s office as a language-learning method to make you sound like the unstable one, further making you believe you’re the one with problems and feel lucky that the narcissist “agreed to stay with you.”
As someone who loves a narcissist, you may very much want to believe that they are loyal because you hope that they will finally go back to being the person they were at the beginning of your relationship. They may shed a few tears trying to get the point across, but the unfortunate truth is that far too many narcissists use this trick and in no time, it’s business as usual – and the abuse is much worse.
You’d be hard-pressed to find one documented case where a victim of narcissistic abuse experienced a happy ending because the “self-searching humane narcissist decided to go to counseling.” The victim usually ends up needing her therapy due to the tricks and mind games that arise once she is tricked into giving the relationship another chance.
The inconvenient truth is that in my experience working with coaching pathologically abused clients—plus my hours of research—I haven’t found a single success story as it relates to couples therapy with a narcissist.
Not one. (It sure did nothing to help me!)
Sure, the narcissist might agree to go to counseling with you, but not to make any improvements or permanent changes. Narcissists don’t go to therapy because they finally realized they were selfish and were abusing you. They do this to keep you feeling hopeful (to keep you trapped longer) by enhancing their facade in an attempt to “make it work”.
Narcissists do not go into therapy with goals in mind (such as improving their relationship with you). They go into therapy with agendas in mind.
“I met them the last time we broke up!”
“I swear I’m not in love with him. It just so happened that I met them the last time I broke up with you, and now they won’t leave me alone. I tried!” or, “I was only with them because I felt like you weren’t fully invested in me.”
Reality – This easygoing guy is trying to get you to sweep his infidelity under the rug in the hopes that you’ll forgive him for “just being a human who wants to find love like everyone else.”
It’s also the perfect opportunity for them to triangulate, gaslight, and make themselves look wanted while destroying their self-esteem. You can explain the situation by thinking “They’re unfaithful because I’m not desirable enough, maybe the new person is more confident than I am and the narcissist likes it, or I messed it up by breaking up with them, and now my chance at true love is slipping through my fingers.”
This scenario was concocted by narcissists for the sole purpose of putting you in a situation where you become afraid that you are going to lose them – motivating you to do everything humanly possible to maintain their affection.
What you don’t realize during these episodes is that this pattern will repeat in many ways because narcissists, especially those of physical and theatrical likes, are almost always in different stages of relationships with other people – furthermore, the narcissist can meet the “new” person long before your last breakup.
“Can we just be friends?”
They were unfaithful and you found out or they publicly admitted to an affair and left saying they were in love with someone else. You’ve heard all the reasons why you can’t be an ideal partner for them. Months, weeks, or even just days later, they come back with a moaning story about not being able to choose, making a mistake, and not wanting to live without you.
In the middle of the discussion, he turns around, gives you a pensive look, and says, “I know we can’t be together, but I care about you so much and don’t want to lose you completely. Can we just be friends?”
The truth – let’s be friends with narcissists means let’s be friends – with benefits (them, not yours).
Don’t fall for the “let’s be friends” ploy. Doing so will land you straight into La La Land, where you’ll spend months, if not years, tolerating multiple sexual partners, disappearing acts, and making monthly visits to the doctor’s office to make sure you don’t get an STD.
It’s easy to believe narcissists when they pretend to have second thoughts about the whole thing, when, in reality, they’ve come to realize that someone else will eventually try to win your heart and that this definitely wouldn’t happen if the narcissist had anything to do with it! Because they don’t want you to give your attention and resources to someone else!
It’s also a great façade for their public image, considering how “likable” they must be to be able to maintain friendships with ex-partners. Just imagine the chorus line during the smear campaign, “Yeah, I stayed friends with her because I felt so sorry for her, even though she tells everyone how abusive I am.”
there he is! The Good Samaritan in action!
The narcissist makes this suggestion for one reason only. They don’t want commitment, but they do want to keep you around as an option while maintaining their influence and control over your life. They know full well that it would be impossible for you to move on, let alone heal from their abuse, and they’re still around. You simply cannot look at things from a different perspective while you are in the middle of a situation.
The only solution is to get out of your situation… and after a while, you’ll see things from a different perspective. You will learn more about yourself and what happened in the relationship. You will feel like an awakening.
“I knew you weren’t right for me”
After your heroic efforts to absorb the explosive emotions of the narcissist and smooth out the huge holes in your relationship, the narcissist will “end things” by smugly declaring “I knew you weren’t the one for me.”
Truth – This ploy seems counterintuitive because, on the surface, the narcissist appears to be ignoring you, but in most cases, this move is a ploy to keep you in an inhibiting cycle of trying to prove your worth and “win back” their love. So, you strive to redeem yourself, revive the relationship, and hope for a positive outcome.
You have to take the line. Become the poster child for obedience. Wait for the golden days to reappear.
But what are narcissists’ thoughts regarding relationship resurrection?
The narcissist is not grateful that you two got together. As far as they are concerned, your herculean task to win them back is proof of their superiority and magnetic attraction.
In the narcissist’s mind, your process to win them back is because you are clearly emotionally dependent on them – and the narcissist will exploit your feelings of vulnerability and fragility to the fullest. After the mechanical leveling phase, they will immediately seek to manipulate and exploit you.
“I’m sorry for hurting you and I promise to make it up to you”
This is a favorite trick used universally by narcissists of all types (the general exception being the cerebral narcissist). This is because the narcissist’s partners are typically the cooperative, empathetic, tolerant, altruistic, and tolerant type, and the narcissist does not hesitate to exploit these traits to the ninth degree.
When the narcissist shows up with roses, jewels, and tears (on his bent knee for effect), his affectionate partner turns into putty, forgetting all mistakes and imagining a better future, which usually includes growing old together and holding hands while walking in the park.
The Truth – Unfortunately, the narcissist’s thinking is very different from yours regarding reconciliation. Their thoughts usually center on how to hook them into the sideshow now that you’ve thrown the monkey wrench into their routine by demanding that they be treated with respect.
“I love you and only you”
Narcissists are notoriously cheating. Therefore, they often try to make it seem as if they have no control over the fact that they are “addicted to sex” or “bad at being monogamous” – they are just with these other people for the “fun”. The only person they truly love is you. You’re the only one who accepts them, warts and all, and offers them a place to go home at the end of the day; A place where they fall and help all their worries fade away. You and them against the world. They admit they’re spoilers, maybe a little crazy, but that’s because you’re so attached to them that they only love you. Don’t they always come back to you? Don’t they sleep in your bed?
Reality persuasion and attractiveness are the primary features of narcissists and psychopaths. There is no doubt that you are unique and special, but a narcissist does not appreciate these things about you. What they work for is to keep their fan count high. The more people who adore them, the better…and they tell their other partners the same.
“I had an epiphany”
They were driving to work and it suddenly occurred to them that the two of you were meant to be together. Everything became completely clear in a matter of seconds. They don’t know how they haven’t seen that before. The two of you should get married…the sooner the better.
Fact – no amount of pain-sharing will cause a spontaneous personality transplant on your partner’s part or trigger a divine epiphany as angels touch and instill such insight into the narcissist’s brain about how much pain they’ve caused you, that brings them to their knees in the position of a repentant sinner.
This will not happen. These are all simply the most common things narcissists say to get you back.
The debilitating nature of toxic relationships dictates that—as differently as you may wish—you will need to get to a place of acceptance that your relationship with a narcissist will not be the exception to the rule.
Moral values are not questioned when narcissists desperately seek to put you back in a relationship. They will shamelessly try to pick up where they left off without any regard for the emotional or psychological damage they caused that caused the original breakup.
How to shut down a narcissist and stop falling for their tricks
You will never control your self-esteem or your emotions as long as the narcissist is in your life. Even a seemingly innocent act or comment on their behalf comes with a heavy price. Don’t fall for these 7 things narcissists say to get you back.
There is a motive for everything they say and do. Breaking the no-contact may give you temporary relief, but the long-term effects will be harmful, if not fatal if you go back to it. You can’t get real relief from the same person who hurt you.
Breaking up with a narcissist means cutting them out completely from your life without giving them a chance to “explain themselves” because any explanation they might give you would be just another manipulation.
If you are feeling miserable and trapped in your relationship, I can wholeheartedly relate to you. I was once in your shoes and I know how crippled and devastated it feels when you have to choose between survival and trying to make things work or making the life-altering decision to become your savior.
Break Free has helped tens of thousands of people around the world escape narcissistic abuse and begin healing for their lives. I created this program based on my training curriculum and receive emails every day from amazing survivors and farmers sharing how the program has helped save their lives.
I am always humbly grateful for these emails because I know what it feels like to break free from the prison of narcissistic abuse and begin to heal. It is one of the most beautiful feelings imaginable.
