Unfortunately, there are all kinds of parental abuse. As in any type of relationship, a child can be physically, psychologically, or sexually abused. But being raised by overzealous parents can lead to all kinds of problems, both during childhood and in their adult years.
So what exactly is gaslighting and how do parents use it to manipulate you?
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which a person attempts to subvert or control another person’s reality. They do this by confusing them or making them doubt themselves.
The person gaslighting deliberately misrepresents the facts, lies, denials, or belittles the truth to destabilize the victim’s state of mind. The goal of gaslighting is to degrade their victim.
This may be for financial gain, psychological pleasure, or control, or because the offender suffers from a form of antisocial personality disorder.
But why are there parents who light the gas? Why would a parent want to manipulate their children?
Well, parents are simply people who have children. They are not imbued with some loving parental charm just because they have kids to raise.
They are adults with all kinds of psychological problems that other adults suffer from. The fact that they are parents does not make them immune to mental health disorders.
7 Signs of gaslighting dads
- They make you feel stupid
The first stage of gaslighting from any type of manipulator is to start undermining your self-esteem. It is difficult to manipulate someone if their confidence is high. But it’s a little different with parents who get up with gas.
They start from scratch if you like. They have these little humans that they look to for affirmation. Parents are supposed to form secure bonds with their children. It is these attachments that allow children to explore the world with confidence.
Moreover, a child who is confident and self-reliant will wonder what you say and what you do. So parents have to start at an early age. They do not want confident children, so one way to prevent this is to make fun of them by making them feel stupid.
Remember, above all, we look to our parents to reflect our sense of identity and self-worth. We believe our parents and accept their version of this fact.
- Being accused of overreacting
An important tool in any manipulator’s armory is accusing you of being overbearing or being overly sensitive. I had an ex who always said nasty things to me and when I questioned him he would say “Oh I was just kidding, chill out”.
Accusing you of overreacting is a very disingenuous way to make you question your feelings. What a manipulator is saying is that they can do or say whatever they want and you have no right to feel the way you do.
However, acting in this way towards a child is considered particularly toxic. Children need to know that whatever they are going through they can talk to their parents and not reject them. Ignoring your feelings is almost like saying “I don’t believe you” or “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Exaggeration and dramatization
All the while, the child’s feelings and emotions are invalidated, and nothing small enough isn’t a problem for the parent. The slightest little problem will be exaggerated, completely exaggerated and turned into a huge drama.
Whether you forgot to buy something at the store or turn off your computer at night. It will have ruined everything and it will be the kid’s fault.
The reaction to this issue will be greatly exaggerated and the child may start to change his behavior as a result. They will want to avoid such hysterical scenes in the future, but every little thing seems to make their parents overreact. They become confused and start living off eggshells.
They may start lying or withholding things from their parents. Or they may try to please the parents excessively to please everyone.
- Lying about past events
One way a parent can make children question their reality is by lying about past events. You trust your parents to be honest so that can make kids worry about relying on their memory.
In the famous Gaslight (1944), a husband steals a brooch from his new wife but insists she has lost it. He removes a picture from the wall but tells his wife she took it down. Whenever he goes to the attic looking for the missing jewels, the gas lights dim in the house, but he tells his wife it is all in her imagination.
In the end, the wife began to doubt her sanity. So it is with children of gas parents. They start with small things like cooking something for dinner and when you notice it’s different from what you ordered, they tell you that’s what you wanted that morning.
- Set goals for yourself or live by them
A parent who cares more about their children’s accomplishments rather than their well-being can put the spotlight on them. This is also a sign of a narcissistic parent.
They do not care about the well-being of the child only that the child represents them in the wider community. They insist they know what’s best for the child. They will not care about the child’s feelings or goals in life.
As long as the parent gains some kind of prestige or power over the child, that’s what counts.
- Invade your circle of friends
Knowing who your child is hanging out with is a sign of good parenting. But forcing yourself into a child’s circle of friends so that you can manipulate them is a sign of gaslighting.
Typical signs include the child swearing at his friends or making fun of the child in front of his friends. They may also try to isolate the child by befriending their friends.
The parent may invite the child’s friends without their knowledge. Or they may prevent friends from visiting the child.
- Never admit they are wrong
A bigoted parent will never say sorry or admit they’re wrong. Why are they? This would undermine all of their manipulation tactics thus far. Instead, the child will wait for you to apologize.
They will refuse, and refuse until the cows come home until they finally tire you out to the point of exhaustion. If you come close to finding out the truth of a situation, you will likely explode in anger and change the subject.
They will accuse you of not being grateful for all the sacrifices they had to make as parents raising you. They will change tactics from accusation to self-pity. You will end up saying sorry for bringing up the subject in the first place.
final thoughts
It can be hard to tell if you are the child of doting parents. The best way to deal with this is to get some perspective. Ask other family members or friends to help you remember past events.
