You don’t mean it…
You can’t be serious about…
It’s not your fault you don’t understand…
You’re too sensitive about…
“Just kidding.” It’s not uncommon for a partner to say something they think is funny when it’s hurtful. Narcissists don’t do this by accident, but rather as a strategic way to hurt and shock others. They don’t apologize. Instead, they try to pass off the constant barrage of hurtful comments as a joke or your unreasonable levels of sensitivity.
“It’s your problem.” One of the most common tactics used to hurt and hurt a partner is to project their problems onto them. This often manifests in statements such as:
You don’t care about me; it’s all about you
You should be in control of every detail
You’re paranoid
You’re wrong
You don’t value this relationship
I don’t think you’re right about it
You don’t remember it accurately
Emotional manipulation, or constantly creating confusing messages to cast doubt on your memory and thinking, is a common form of abuse and manipulation. Narcissists also manipulate by withholding specific information and then acting as if you have forgotten it.
Tips for Overcoming Manipulation
There are several tips you can use to detect this deliberate and destructive manipulation and get out of an unhealthy relationship. These include:
Listen to yourself. Trust your perception and ability to understand the events unfolding. Listen to your body and recognize signs of distress and discomfort.
Set boundaries. Learning to say no or walk away from a manipulative conversation is a crucial tool.
Don’t engage in verbal combat. Don’t argue or engage with the narcissist. Instead, walk away and ignore their attempts to get you back.
Working with a therapist is very effective in rebuilding your self-confidence and empowering you to set boundaries and take care of yourself. Remember, a narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior. You need to be proactive about protecting yourself from emotional harm and trauma, even if it means walking away.
- Dramatic Negative Emotions (High Drama and Meltdowns)
Hysterical narcissists often tend to display excessively dramatic negative emotions when they do not receive the attention, appreciation, or entitlement they believe they deserve. This can range from not getting prompt customer service, to a temporary lack of attention from a spouse, to saying “no” when looking for an “exception to the rule,” or other instances when the privileges they have imagined for themselves are not met.
Hysterical narcissists are often unreasonable in their demands, unfair in the way they treat people, insensitive to the difficulties of others, and disproportionate in their emotional responses. Whether it is intense anger (narcissistic rage) or manic outbursts (hysterical drama), they often see the lack of attention and respect as a threat to their self-esteem, and respond with hostility and even aggression. They overwhelm their victims with intense negative drama (“going nuclear”), terrorizing their victims in the hopes of getting what they want.
- Dramatic “Positive” Emotions (Superficial Charm and Seduction)
The flip side of displaying overly dramatic negative emotions to gain attention is executing superficial “positive” emotions toward the same end. Here, the hysterical narcissist may incite charm and seduction to “win” their targets (and thus control their attention and compliance). Examples include insincere flattery, appeals to vanity and ego, fake friendliness and acceptance, exaggerated closeness and intimacy, the promise of positive rewards after dispensing negative treatment, etc.
Some hysterical narcissists are adept at switching between positive and negative emotions. If they do not get the special attention they believe they deserve by being superficially charming, they may suddenly change their tone and become the aggressive aggressor.
- Constant Need for Attention
The main reason behind the hysterical narcissist’s overly dramatic behavior (whether negative or “positive”) is the intense desire for attention and approval. However, behind this passion for “excellence” is often a fragile self-esteem with serious issues with attachment, trust, and security. In relationships and life situations, some hysterical narcissists will “test” whether people are willing to “go the extra mile” to serve, appease, or save them, thus affirming their fragile self-worth.
Unfortunately, the problem with constantly seeking external validation is that one will never truly be happy with oneself on the inside. For the hysterical narcissist, the temporary satisfaction of external approval never lasts and is never enough.
- Excessive Selfishness and Lack of Empathy
Since the hysterical narcissist’s primary focus in life is approval and self-gratification, the thoughts, feelings, and priorities of others are often ignored with little or no regard (unless the hysterical narcissist has something to gain from it). One of the most striking traits of some histrionic narcissists is their ability to see human difficulties (both in their personal lives and in society as a whole), ignore them, and express contempt or even disdain when others’ difficulties interfere with their selfish agendas. This is entitlement and vanity.
- Boundary Violation and Manipulation
Many histrionic narcissists assume that the world revolves around them, and are quick to violate boundaries and manipulate people for personal gain. They often target individuals they can exploit psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually, materially, and/or financially. Once the histrionic narcissist is done exploiting the victim, they may move on to something else without a second thought. Histrionic narcissists do not engage with the victim.
- May be unrealistic and unreliable
Some histrionic narcissists have higher functioning and can achieve certain levels of personal and/or professional success in life (at least for a time). However, both higher and lower-functioning histrionic narcissists may suffer from a lack of realism, which can make their decision-making impractical and impatient, leading to disappointment and failure.
The desire for constant stimulation, instant gratification, and the tendency to become easily bored means that some histrionic narcissists are unstable in their relationships and unreliable in their commitments. Some histrionic narcissists tend to take unreasonable risks, which affects their well-being and that of others.
- Difficulty dealing with stress and change
Everyone goes through ups and downs in life. Stress and change are part of the human experience. Many histrionic narcissists have great difficulty dealing with stress that threatens their selfishness and perceived entitlement. Whether it’s personal relationships, work environment, or societal issues, histrionic narcissists cope poorly when they are reminded that the world does not revolve around them and that most people will not put them on a pedestal. This is a bitter truth for histrionic narcissists, many of whom are “unable to give up” and “unwilling to let go.” Histrionic narcissists may suffer from anxiety, depression, psychosis, or other mental health issues due to their inability to adapt and adjust to an ever-changing world. Until they become more self-aware and “join the human race,” they will continue to cause significant harm to others and themselves.
