“Some people try to get taller by cutting off other people’s heads.”
- Paramahansa Yogananda
“If someone treats you badly, just remember that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying others.”
Emotional manipulation is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves, and eventually lose their sense of self-esteem, identity, and self-worth. Emotional manipulation statements and accusations are often based on blatant lies, or exaggeration of the truth.
Passive aggression can be defined as disguised anger or hostility, expressed in indirect ways to exert power, control, and deception, in the hope of “getting away with it.”
While many forms of emotional manipulation are overt and annoying (i.e., persistent and false verbal attacks, accusations, condescension, judgment, and criticism), there are also passive-aggressive forms of emotional manipulation that are more subtle and difficult to initially detect, and can carry the same negative contagion and toxic manipulation as overt emotional manipulation.
Here are seven signs of passive-aggressive emotional manipulation, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Emotional Manipulators and How to Successfully Deal with Passive-Aggressive People. Although some people may occasionally be guilty of the following traits, a chronic passive-aggressive emotional manipulator will regularly engage in one or more of the following schemes, without being aware of (or concerned about) the devastating impact of emotional manipulation on relationships.
- Chronic Lies or Deception Against the Manipulated Person
“If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth.”
—Famous quote, attributed to various sources
Chronic lying and deception are some of the most common types of passive-aggressive manipulation, where the person being manipulated creates a false narrative about or against the person being manipulated that has no evidence or truth to it. Since the purpose of manipulation is to distort and misdirect the truth to dominate, exploit, and control relationships, lies and deception often serve to shift the focus away from the real issues (i.e., the manipulated person’s faults and responsibility) while blaming the manipulated person as the source of the problem.
“When I caught my boyfriend sexting someone, he flat out said it didn’t happen — that I had imagined it all. He called me “crazy.”
— Anonymous
- Numerous subtle sarcasm and destructive judgments
“My father’s favorite responses to my opinions were: ‘But…’, ‘Actually…’, and ‘There’s more to it than that…’ He should always feel like he knows better.”
— Anonymous
Repeated condescending remarks about the person being manipulated’s ideas, personality, abilities, appearance, and/or background. Marginalizing and invalidating the person being manipulated into feeling inadequate.
“You’ll make more money when you have a real job.”
— A friend who shares his job as a salesperson
- Constant negative humor and sarcasm
“Behind a smile is a hidden knife!”
— An ancient Chinese proverb describing passive-aggressive behavior
Negative humor, disguised as a smile, can systematically destroy the person being manipulated through repeated sarcasm Repeatedly humiliating and embarrassing someone in private and public situations, thereby gaining twisted power over the victim. Sarcasm can be used to insult someone based on their physical appearance, personality traits, individual abilities, socioeconomic and cultural background, gender, sexual orientation, etc. Persistent negative humor and sarcasm are passive-aggressive forms of psychological bullying.
- Regular Negative Gossip
“Only insecure people need to talk badly about others as a malicious way to flatter themselves.”
―Unknown Source
Negative gossip that goes on behind the back of the person being manipulated is a destructive form of personal attack that undermines the victim’s reputation and credibility. Negative gossip often distorts or grossly exaggerates the truth. The insidious and misleading nature of negative gossip is that after it is repeated many times, people in gossiping circles may accept unfounded rumors as the truth, and refuse to investigate the facts even when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. The person being manipulated is treated with unjustified bias, discrimination, or even contempt. Regular negative gossip is a cancer in relationships.
“A lot of the problems in the world would go away if we talked to each other instead of about each other.”
― Ronald Reagan
- Regular Negative Social Comparison
Placing oneself at a disadvantage against one’s peers, and using negative comparisons to justify criticism and abuse. Negative social comparison is often disguised as “good” “advice” for the manipulated, when in reality this derision is demoralizing to the victim. Over time, negative social comparison can become pathological and become part of a dysfunctional narrative, stigmatizing the manipulated.
For example:
“Why can’t you act like your brother?” (parent pitting children against each other)
“You look so much better, why don’t you look like your friend?” (husband berating his partner)
“You should do as well as your peers!” (teacher/coach criticizes student)
“If you could be more like…” (relationship mockery)
The common theme through these examples is that acceptance is given only conditionally (even in close relationships). On the other hand, unspoken rejection is used as a threat, coercion, and/or punishment.
- Ongoing social exclusion
Often, under pretenses, the person being manipulated may overtly or covertly exclude the person being manipulated from friends, family, peers, community, relevant information, and/or other meaningful contact. The victim is thus deprived of positive connections, healthy support, and resources that empower them.
“Shortly after we got married, my husband wanted to limit my contact with friends and family. He told me he was the only person I could trust, and that everyone was lying.”
— Anonymous
- Constant Blame
Since the purpose of gaslighting is to mislead others for control and exploitation, constant blame without validation or validation serves as a subtle, passive-aggressive mechanism to keep the gaslighter on the offensive and the person being manipulated on the defensive. Negativity, which is based largely on lies or exaggerations rather than evidence and proof, damages the victim’s credibility and reputation (individually or as a group). The gaslighter can then avoid drawing attention to his or her vulnerabilities.
“The work your department is doing is a waste of time and resources. How do you justify hiring you?”
— Anonymous Manager
“My wife is a pathetic loser, and she needs to know the truth.”
— Anonymous Husband
In conclusion, what these seven types of passive-aggressive manipulation have in common is a destructive attempt to distort, deceive, and manipulate, keeping the person being manipulated off-balance and creating insecurity and inadequacy in the victim. The manipulator can thus get away with character flaws and personal mistakes, and exercise control and dominance in the relationship. Passive-aggressive manipulation is a form of covert brainwashing and, at its worst, mental and emotional abuse.
