I often wish I could erase my daughters’ memories of their narcissistic father. My ex’s insistence on being called “daddy” always struck me as ironic because it implied a closeness that wasn’t there. My daughters came to hate the nickname “Daddy,” so much so that they eventually started referring to him by his first name as they got older. This was of course long after we had left. Even now, they refer to my husband, their stepfather, by his name. Synonyms for father leave a bad taste in their mouths.
So, if you’re not sure if you have a narcissistic father, here are some typical characteristics of a father whose primary focus is on himself and not on you.
1: The narcissistic father is the demigod of the family.
If everything in your house revolves around your father, he’s probably drugged. Every last decision, right down to the price we were allowed to pay for the potatoes, came down to what my ex wanted. The girls brought him and carried him, as I did. He didn’t do anything he didn’t want to, and there was no room for disagreement. Even though I worked and he didn’t work, he never helped me with the housework. He kept the girls and me busy keeping things up to his strict standards.
He felt entitled to only the best, including food that was his alone. He would often buy food that the girls and I hated, and he would insist that we eat it to save money. Meanwhile, most of the time, things were good for him. A good father often dispenses with providing for his children’s needs. A narcissistic father… not so much.
2: Father is rarely available.
The narcissistic father is aloof and cold. He doesn’t give much affection and is very distant most of the time. My ex-parents had a large office in every house we lived in. He kept the door locked and even I couldn’t enter without his permission. It was like living with the Wizard of Oz. The voice was coming loudly from behind the door, but we saw the real person in fits and fits.
Related : Post Narcissist Stress Disorder: 3 Signs You Suffer
Now I’m pretty sure he was hiding his porn addiction, but my ex would often hide for weeks at a time, only coming out with a list of food orders and other necessities. This is not what we thought. It was safer for him to be in a room alone.
3: The narcissistic father shows narcissistic rage.
If your father has a temper, this does not automatically put him in the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) category. There is no doubt that getting angry at children and other family members is abusive…and narcissistic. But the narc’s anger is usually somewhat unpredictable. My father rarely lost his temper. When he did this, it was on inanimate objects that refused to work. Sometimes moodiness is a sign of depression or even addiction in men.
The narcissistic abuser uses unpredictable anger to maintain fear in his victims. While my father, even when severely provoked by an uncooperative drive, would never say bad things to us, the narc would focus on personal attacks. Most of us have a moodiness from time to time. Few of us have narcissistic tantrums that flare up and incinerate everyone around us. Narcs go into a vein and never miss a beat.
4: The father has a charismatic personality.
If people are attracted to your father, or if he often has satellites orbiting his secure, self-centered world, he may be a narcissistic parent. Narcissists thrive on admiration. However, they must rely on strict supervision within the family unit, because everyone there knows who he or she is. But I had to learn not to trust charisma. If someone is truly magical, they are probably dangerous.
With a charismatic father, the children are drawn to this irresistible attraction that suddenly ends. The mixed messages of feeling loved then rejected, and then back again create an inability to trust in children. It can also lead to addiction to drama. Love is not love unless it turns on and off again. A charismatic parent is rarely a stable person.
5: The narcissistic father is manipulative.
For my girls, the tools he often used were mind games and threats alternating with declarations of affection. In the end, we all shut down and did what he wanted. It was easier than trying to figure out the constant manipulation moves. He often promised our daughters some major gifts with conditions. Of course, they could never earn it. One way or another, they always “let him down.”
Again, unpredictability is a great way to keep kids on their toes. One moment cooking a wonderful meal and the next exposing them over minor mishaps, my ex kept the girls and me in a constant state of worry. It was like living with a tiger. At any moment, he might kill you, so you shovel as much meat into his path as possible. But you know your turn is coming and it won’t be pretty.
6: No one can please Baba.
Constant criticism and complaints are the hallmarks of a narcissistic parent. Grades are never high enough. Some insist on beauty in their daughters, academic excellence, or athletic prowess in both sexes. Only perfection is allowed, despite his complete lack of excellence in his own life. Everyone, inside and outside the family, is exposed to constant criticism. The assumption is that he has the ultimate knowledge and experience from which to judge. This is more than just the desire to excel. The standards are astronomically high.
The effect of all this constant commentary is self-loathing and imposter syndrome in children. All of this criticism is internalized, creating a cycle of low self-esteem. I remember one of my daughters was reading a book to her second-grade class. Her father would ask her endlessly about simple points that I would never remember. He berated her lack of photographic memory, destroying her love of reading which she had only now regained.
7: The narcissistic father is often codependent.
My daughters and I were blessed to have him walk out of our lives as soon as he lost custody of the girls. His dependency passed from me and our daughters to his parents. While I was the primary breadwinner during our marriage, his father ended up supporting him afterward. His boast was always about the money he would one day inherit. As for me and our daughters, we made it on our own.
Related : 7 signs you’re in a complicated relationship that is wearing you down
But all too often adult children of narcissistic parents find themselves receiving care far beyond the normal scope of elder care. If your father is constantly calling you, criticizing your care for him, or making unreasonable demands of you, you are having a really hard time. At the end of this blog, there are some excellent books detailing how to deal with aging narcissistic parents.
If this resonates with you, I’m truly sorry. But one thing I’ve learned is that my past doesn’t have to dictate my future. Also, your upbringing does not condemn you to a life of misery. Education, therapy, some emotional intelligence, and a relationship with Jesus, the anti-narcissist, can mitigate even the worst damage. Give yourself grace and time. Give of yourself and learn to receive from others the things that your father could not.
