Any long-term relationship we have goes through seasons, especially if we are committed to another person and have invested our time, love, and energy in the relationship.
No relationship is perfect, no matter how much we romanticize it. Even the most fulfilling relationships need conscious attention and care to ensure health and growth.
Many people leave relationships because of unresolved attachment issues that are passed on to the other person. Additionally, people leave relationships because they haven’t done the inner work to understand that mature attachment requires self-awareness and conscious communication.
Being able to tell when a relationship is truly over means being able to tell the difference between what is for you and what is for your partner. This isn’t always easy, but the following signs will help you think about when it’s time to let go:
- You’ve expressed your experience, your unmet needs, and your desire for growth as honestly and clearly as possible.
This is the most important sign. I often work with clients who feel unhappy in their relationships, but when I explore their communication with their partner, they reveal that they haven’t been honest and direct about their feelings.
Start by being honest with yourself about what you want. If you want the relationship to work, you need to honor your partner by allowing them to respond to your needs.
What’s stopping you from expressing your feelings directly? When you say what’s true for you, you’re supporting yourself; what the other person does or says in response is just more information for you to assess whether or not you think the relationship is sustainable.
If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, you may want to consider couples therapy. For anyone unsure whether to stay or go, working with a couples therapist can help clarify your feelings.
- There’s no emotional attachment.
The foundation of a strong relationship is two people who feel safe and cared for, which supports their ability to be vulnerable and open with each other.
Vulnerable openness happens during conflict and means I can put my perspective aside and care about your experience without being defensive. Vulnerable openness means I can share my most tender feelings about you, myself, or the world, and I feel safe doing so.
When you find yourself hiding your feelings, finding excuses to avoid spending time together or fantasizing about leaving the relationship — these could be signs that you no longer want a deep connection.
Similarly, if you find that you’re not laughing, acting goofy, or playing with each other, this is also a sign that your emotional bond is weakening.
- Physical intimacy and affection no longer attract you.
Sexual desire has seasons throughout a relationship. In committed partnerships, factors like age, changing sex drives, life stressors, children, and more can change the rhythm of sexual connection.
However, if you still crave your partner’s touch, love looking at their body, love their smell or crave more physical intimacy (of all kinds), these are signs that may be worth working on.
However, if you find that the thought or sight of your partner turns you off, this is likely a sign that the relationship needs work — or that it’s time to let go.
- It’s hard to agree on anything.
A strong indicator that you’re headed for a breakup is that you’re no longer getting along with others. When you’re dealing with constant conflict, and both of you are constantly feeling misunderstood and hurt, it starts to undermine any positive connection.
Any expert will tell you that if you’re constantly fighting, and there are a few moments of peace or secure connection, you should take it seriously and respond accordingly.
Conflict is an inherent aspect of any healthy connection, but when you can’t communicate about anything, it’s an unfortunate sign that the relationship has broken down.
- You’re preoccupied with the idea of another relationship.
It’s perfectly normal to be attracted to other people or to have sexual fantasies about other people, but if you’re not in an open relationship and you’re having these thoughts secretly, likely, your needs aren’t likely being met in your primary relationship.
When delusions or infidelity are taking up time and energy from your partner, you’re opening up an outlet. Outlets come in many forms and ultimately drain the energy from your partnership.
If you’re cheating on your partner, you’re leaving your current relationship. Be honest with yourself about what you want. It’s time to start a conversation with your partner about your relationship.
- Trust is gone.
Trust is essential to a secure relationship. If you’ve been repeatedly betrayed, secretive, or have violated boundaries, it’s hard to rebuild trust. If you feel like you can’t trust your partner, that’s either something that needs to be fixed, or it’s time to let go.
If you want to rebuild trust, both people need to not only focus on trust but also explore the root of the issues that led to the breakup in the first place.
- Your goals and vision don’t align.
A fish may love a bird, but where will they live? Often, our hopes or desires for a partnership, along with our relationship history, can cloud our ability to live with the reality that someone else is different.
Children, career goals, money, geography, quality of life—all of these factors create the everyday fabric of connection.
Compromise is an integral part of a healthy relationship, but no matter how much you care about each other, if you want a very different life or have different visions, it’s important to be honest about what you need to give up to stay together.
When to Work on It vs. When to Walk Away
All relationships go through seasons, and as people change, so do their needs for connection. Not all relationship challenges are a reason to walk away.
Therefore, it’s crucial to be able to tell the difference between relationship issues that can be addressed and typical issues that you or your partner refuses to address or doesn’t want to address.
By practicing consistent mindfulness, you can develop the ability to notice when a relationship challenge has turned into a problematic pattern that needs to be addressed and determine when it’s time to walk away.
- It’s hard to agree on anything.
A strong indicator that you’re headed for a breakup is that you’re no longer getting along with others. When you’re dealing with constant conflict, and both of you are constantly feeling misunderstood and hurt, it starts to undermine any positive connection.
Any expert will tell you that if you’re constantly fighting, and there are a few moments of peace or secure connection, you should take it seriously and respond accordingly.
Conflict is an inherent aspect of any healthy connection, but when you can’t communicate about anything, it’s an unfortunate sign that the relationship has broken down.
- You’re preoccupied with the idea of another relationship.
It’s perfectly normal to be attracted to other people or to have sexual fantasies about other people, but if you’re not in an open relationship and you’re having these thoughts secretly, likely, your needs aren’t likely being met in your primary relationship.
Related : Curious About Throuple Relationships? Here’s Everything To Know
When delusions or infidelity are taking up time and energy from your partner, you’re opening up an outlet. Outlets come in many forms and ultimately drain the energy from your partnership.
If you’re cheating on your partner, you’re leaving your current relationship. Be honest with yourself about what you want. It’s time to start a conversation with your partner about your relationship.
- Trust is gone.
Trust is essential to a secure relationship. If you’ve been repeatedly betrayed, secretive, or have violated boundaries, it’s hard to rebuild trust. If you feel like you can’t trust your partner, that’s either something that needs to be fixed, or it’s time to let go.
If you want to rebuild trust, both people need to not only focus on trust but also explore the root of the issues that led to the breakup in the first place.
- Your goals and vision don’t align.
A fish may love a bird, but where will they live? Often, our hopes or desires for a partnership, along with our relationship history, can cloud our ability to live with the reality that someone else is different.
Children, career goals, money, geography, quality of life—all of these factors create the everyday fabric of connection.
Compromise is an integral part of a healthy relationship, but no matter how much you care about each other, if you want a very different life or have different visions, it’s important to be honest about what you need to give up to stay together.
When to Work on It vs. When to Walk Away
All relationships go through seasons, and as people change, so do their needs for connection. Not all relationship challenges are a reason to walk away.
Therefore, it’s crucial to be able to tell the difference between relationship issues that can be addressed and typical issues that you or your partner refuses to address or doesn’t want to address.
By practicing consistent mindfulness, you can develop the ability to notice when a relationship challenge has turned into a problematic pattern that needs to be addressed and determine when it’s time to walk away.
