We hear the word “healing,” and we imagine beautiful music, smiles, comfort, and a sense that our soul has been healed of something or someone bad.
Here you are now doing better. Congratulations.
Well… but that’s not how it is at all, is it?
Healing takes time. It’s messy. It hurts. It’s definitely not permanent.
And most importantly, it can be a very lonely place.
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We hear the word “healing,” and we imagine beautiful music, smiles, comfort, and a sense that our soul has been healed of something or someone bad.
Here you are now doing better. Congratulations.
Well… but that’s not how it is at all, is it?
Healing takes time. It’s messy. It hurts. It’s definitely not permanent.
And most importantly, it can be a very lonely place.
I know this may surprise some, but there may also be a number of you nodding your head in anger as you read this.
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Here’s why it feels so alone, and how knowing can help.
Healing Is Not Straight for ward
The promise of a deep, meaningful, and straightforward healing process has yet to be fulfilled.
You wake up and begin your journey, and in about three weeks, you’ll be better off! Every day you’ll get stronger and happier until the trauma subsides…
…Phew!
There is no healing journey like this.
Especially when you’re dealing with something as serious as trauma.
Patience With Yourself
To underestimate the difficulty of healing is, in my opinion, an injustice to your trauma. Your trauma deserves more than that.
It takes days when you cry and feel completely alone.
It takes those moments when you don’t know what to do.
Why?
Because healing is about finding yourself again.
You can’t do that until you admit you’re lost.
7 Reasons You Feel Alone During Trauma Recovery
- Trauma Is Personal
I think people often misunderstand trauma. It’s such a catch-all, right? It encompasses everything terrible we’ve all experienced in the world.
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Yet, it only tells us that that horrific experience was traumatic.
Trauma is personal. Even when you break it down to just narcissistic abuse, it’s still frighteningly personal. Things like:
- Your circumstances
- Your jobs
- Where you live
- Your race
- Your religion
- Your gender
- Your sexuality
- Your family and friends
- Your childhood
- Your personality traits
- Your hobbies
- How you reacted
- How the narcissist reacted
- What was said and done
- Any serious abuse that may have occurred
It’s your experience, it’s your trauma. Yes, you can compare certain aspects to others and relate to them in some way, but you can’t fully experience them together.
I even know people who grew up under the same roof with a narcissistic parent, and each had very different experiences with that parent.
One of the children was deeply affected and suffered from incredible anxiety. One of the siblings looked just like their father, and the middle child was apathetic and somewhat withdrawn.
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No two traumas are the same, and no two healing processes are the same.
- Belonging
When we begin to heal, all we want is to belong to the place where we succeeded.
We want to reach our destination before we board our train for our journey.
It’s not about impatience at all; it’s about: “I just want to feel like I belong somewhere I’ve never been before.”
That thought alone can be a lonely place to live, because it’s impossible. You have to go through all these stages before you have a chance to feel comfortable and belong.
- Shame Leads to Isolation
Trauma hits you, and that removes the notion that you caused it.
No one goes out looking for horrific events to encounter. No one wants memories of times they’d rather forget. Memories that cause:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Sleeping at night
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of confidence
- Heart palpitations
- Loss of self
- Unable to make decisions
It’s common to feel alone during your recovery journey because you’ve burdened yourself with shame that shouldn’t exist. You don’t have the right to carry this shame, yet you’re there, ensuring that the truly responsible person doesn’t have to deal with it.
There comes a time when you have to put all of this burden aside and realize that you’ve been through a difficult situation.
It’s not your fault. It never was, and it never will be.
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Your trauma is your responsibility to work through and heal, but it doesn’t exist because of you.
- Finding Direction
When you’re at a crossroads, sometimes all you want is to know that someone is there for you, going through the same thing as you.
If that’s not possible, you want someone who’s been through it before.
It’s difficult to find direction during recovery, so where do you turn? What’s right? You feel like you no longer know the answers to those questions because so many of your thoughts and feelings have been stolen from you.
All you really need to know is that you no longer want what you went through. The trauma of knowing and being close to a narcissist is not something you want to go through again, and that’s enough for now.
It’s enough to know one thing today, and then the next one will come tomorrow.
The suffering lies in wanting to know all the answers now, and healing isn’t possible now. It takes time.
- Unwillingness to Engage: Fear of Hurt
Getting back on track and building any kind of relationship after a personal trauma will be difficult.
Having been hurt and suffered so deeply by someone you initially thought was kind won’t allow you to see true kindness when it comes to you.
So now you’re afraid.
You retreat, afraid that someone will come along and do to you what happened before.
Retreating will only make you worse. The loneliness you feel when you walk away from future friendships or dating opportunities will only reinforce your sense that you’re unworthy of love or friendship.
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Healing will never happen as long as these thoughts remain.
- Conclusion: Self-Esteem
You’ve been made to feel worthless for too long.
As mentioned earlier, when meeting new people, don’t let low self-esteem push you to a new page.
Low self-esteem will keep you feeling alone, and the cycle will continue.
Don’t think you’re good enough for this job. Don’t apply. Don’t apply, don’t get the job. Then you’re forced to stay in a job you hate, which only increases your sadness.
See how easy it is to fall into this trap?
- Remember – You’re Grieving
Grief has no rules or time limits.
It’s a part of life, and not every sadness means someone has died.
You might be sad if a relationship ended.
You might be sad if you’ve moved away from your family and miss the life you once led.
You may be grieving the loss of a job you loved.
And of course, because grief is so personal, it can be incredibly lonely.
The relationship you thought was perfect turned out to be anything but.
The shock is all there, and part of your shock is your grief over something terrible that happened to you.
It can feel lonely to get through it.
