You know the relationship is toxic. You may have continued planning to leave. You may have left the relationship many times, but you find yourself coming back.

There is no doubt that leaving a narcissist is not easy. They always seem to know exactly what to say or do to keep you under their spell.

As it turns out, many variables influence that “stuck” feeling you might have. Let’s explore what they are and how you can overcome them.

1 – You fall for the bonds of betrayal
Narcissists rely on the trauma of betrayal to manipulate your feelings. They’ll engage in controversial material that they know turns you on—past fights, your deepest fears, your fears. They understand your buttons, and they know exactly how and when to push them.

Betrayal bonds often make people feel insecure. You doubt yourself and your abilities. A narcissist knows how to make you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. They take advantage of your perceived flaws, and make it seem like you’re damaged goods.

But just as they know how to motivate you, they also know how to seduce you. Using gratitude and kindness, they count on giving you small strokes of love to keep you coming back for more. Being with a narcissist is like being addicted to drugs. You maximize the ‘hit’ they give you – you keep coming back for me because the pull-ups seem so intense.

But their love isn’t real – it’s just a bargaining chip to keep you in the vicious circle. They know they can convince you that they are “kind” and “loving” whenever they need you to stay. They also know how to convince you that you are worthless without them.

2 – You are stuck in the circle of cognitive empathy
True empathy happens when we imagine ourselves in someone else’s shoes. For example, if a loved one’s dog dies, we feel that pain. If a friend is feeling anxious, we address their anxiety.

Empathy is the foundation of healthy relationships. It is the way people feel safe and connected to others. In difficult times, we rely on empathy to feel understood.

Narcissists fully understand the concept of empathy, and use it to their advantage. The difference lies in the fact that they use cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy refers to the manipulative and deliberate use of an artificial relationship designed to cater to the narcissist’s needs.

In other words, they give you the impression that you are interested. But their care is made. It aims to reinforce a sense of dependence and learned helplessness. In other words, they pretend to contact them to set you up to become trapped.

Unfortunately, cognitive empathy is not always easy to spot. Many victims mistake their narcissistic loved one for misunderstanding or even good-heartedness. They don’t realize that their empathy isn’t about sharing empathy — it’s about gaining power and control.

3 – You crash on a pink cloud
In the world of addiction recovery, the “pink cloud” refers to the high one feels when first becoming sober. There is a great sense of confidence – believing that you understand! Thus, you tend to reduce your risk and reduce the likelihood of relapse.

Unfortunately, the pink cloud is often short-lived. It usually explodes as soon as reality starts to sink in. Just as a newly sober individual may not adequately prepare for the triggers of a relapse, someone leaving a relationship with a narcissist may not be equipped either.

Rationalization often starts quickly. What is one text? What’s the last time you hung out? Do I really have to take a no-contact approach? I have better boundaries now!

To solidify the justification, the narcissist knows exactly what to say and do to convince you that you are making the right decision. They may bombard you with gifts. They may tell you how much you mean to them, and how they will never hurt you again. They promise that things will be different this time.

The pink cloud keeps you optimistic, but it also keeps you trapped in a fantasy based illusion. The narcissist is not interested in change. They are only interested in keeping you under their disguised spell.

4 – You believe you can save or cure the narcissist
There’s a reason sympathizers and narcissists tend to be attracted to each other. Where the empath wants to give and give, the narcissist seeks to take. Where the empath appears to have a constant supply of forgiveness, the narcissist appears to have a continuous supply of wrongs that require forgiveness.

The idea of leaving a narcissist will always make you feel anxious as long as you think you can save them or them. Unfortunately, this is a common stage that many abuse victims experience. The narcissist often thrives on this fantasy. They will share their stories of abuse or neglect. They will talk about feeling misunderstood and underappreciated. They will convince you that you are the only one who really cares about them.

Sometimes, they will resort to the most serious emotional abuse to keep you trapped. They may make idle comments about hurting themselves if you leave. They may threaten your family or friends with “ruining your reputation”.

Sometimes, you will feel completely sorry for the narcissist. However, they will often use this feeling against you to keep you in the relationship.

Narcissists often see themselves as victims of the world. They think other people are the problem. They are counting on you to lift them up and reassure them that they are perfect just the way they are.

5 – You are struggling with financial PTSD
Narcissistic abuse can lead to financial post-traumatic stress disorder, a phenomenon that can seriously disrupt your relationship with money. Some narcissists mock their victims for money. Others tend to scam or cheat others for a few cents. Higher earners may convince their partner to quit their job because they “can take care of things.”

Naturally, many partners are reluctant to leave narcissistic relationships due to financial concerns related to:

Outstanding debt
Perceived financial dependence on the narcissist
Do not trust that they will withhold funds from you
Denial in the belief that the narcissist is better equipped to handle money

Recovering from financial abuse takes time and conscious effort. The healing process can be painful. However, not taking this necessary step often keeps victims chained to their abusers.

6 – You worry about the children
If you have children with a narcissist, you may worry about the consequences associated with leaving. Of course, this fear is normal. You want to keep your children safe. You worry about their well-being.

Narcissists will use your fears to their advantage. They may try to turn your children against you. They may threaten to take you to court and make sure they get full custody.

As a parent, you are responsible for protecting your children. If they are minors, this philosophy applies no matter how old or small they are. They need you to take care of them.

Narcissists create toxic home environments. They cannot meet the needs of their children. Because they feel so consumed by themselves, they don’t have the space to take care of anyone else. As a result, children generally grow up feeling insecure, inadequate, or abandoned.

Yes, it’s hard to leave a narcissist when you have kids. But keeping your children in an abusive home is much harder. You owe it to them (and yourself) to keep everyone safe and sound.

7 – You’re not really committed to not calling
You may have heard of the no-contact approach, but you convince yourself that this method is too extreme. After all, you love this person! You can try to solve it, as you say to yourself. You just need better borders. They just need to be treated. You can both find out!

Perhaps you could even try a no-contact approach. Stick with it for a few days or weeks, and feel proud of yourself for the effort. But any true narcissist will continue. They will reach out to you, and they will bombard you with why they need you. A narcissist knows how to make you feel loved and special. They also know how to put on a good show that will make you doubt yourself.

In the end, they tire you out. you surrender. Maybe you give up because you think something might be different moving forward. Maybe you just give in to silencing them.

But either way, the narcissist thrives on unwanted indecision. Once they know they own you – even if you’re only partially there – they know how to keep you under their control.

Leaving a narcissist will still be impossible if you are in contact with them. No matter your relationship, they will do everything they can to further their path in your life.

Often, their tricks are cunning. Seems like they will respect your boundaries for a while. You will convince yourself that things are different now. Once you let your guard down, they will resume their usual behaviors.

Quitting a possible narcissist! You can break free!

The commitment to leaving a narcissist can be one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make. It is also one of the bravest. No matter your circumstances, you deserve a fulfilling life free from abuse and hostility. You also deserve meaningful relationships with people who respect you!