the main points
Narcissistic behavior often begins in childhood as a form of self-defense against feelings of being unloved.
The resulting self-protective patterns can prevent narcissists from personal growth.
Narcissistic personalities can change, but they must be open to self-reflection and criticism and not fall into comfortable illusions.

One of the most frustrating things about narcissistic personalities is their resistance to growth. Throughout our lives, we all – including narcissists – have the potential to improve ourselves. Why does it rarely develop?

Narcissistic behavior begins as self-protection from shame and low self-esteem resulting from insecure attachment to parents. Children who develop a narcissistic personality will adopt defensive behavioral patterns to protect themselves from negative reactions, both from others and from their own thoughts and feelings.

7 Reasons Why Narcissists Rarely Develop Emotionally

Keeping their negative self-concept out of (repressed) awareness and compensating for self-superiority is a safe haven from pain, but a deal with the devil that also prevents them from personal growth.

1. They avoid self-reflection
   The hallmark of emotional maturity is the habit of self-reflection. We check in with ourselves about how we feel, how others are responding to us, and what we are doing that is working and not working. Self-reflection is an act of self-agency that enables us to learn from our experiences and better adapt to our circumstances.

Related : 5 Steps to End a Toxic Relationship

Narcissists’ refusal to self-reflect allows them to suppress their shame and avoid looking at how their greatness affects others, but it also prevents them from developing self-awareness and learning from their mistakes. This is why they tend to have a simplistic view of their childhood, lack deep knowledge of their relationships, and become angry when confronted with their behavior. Narcissists are strangers to themselves, and want to keep it that way.

2. They distort reality.
   Besides avoiding introspection, narcissistic people hold truths at a distance and substitute lies and distortions that are consistent with their inflated self-beliefs. From denying uncomfortable truths to having delusions of superiority and entitlement, to justifying neglect and abuse, to gaslighting those around them, narcissists constantly try to evade reality, making objectivity, fairness, and accountability impossible. They cling to magical thinking, and fail to deal with the truths that enable us to know ourselves and others.
3. They expose the negatives
   Another self-protection mechanism for narcissistic people is to project their negative thoughts, feelings, and actions onto others. Like avoiding introspection and denying reality, projecting what they wish to disavow in themselves onto the people around them allows them to release uncomfortable feelings, such as aggression and jealousy, while giving them the freedom to avoid consequences, shirk responsibility, and shift blame. Narcissists’ compulsion to project makes them reckless, callous, and impervious to the learning that comes only from honest self-evaluation and accountability.
4. They see themselves as special or perfect.
   Although it may seem absurd, narcissists have a grandiose illusion or idealistic illusion that aims to insulate them from any possibility of flaw or error. By telling themselves that they are never wrong, that they deserve special treatment, and should be exempt from rules and consequences, they justify never having to question themselves or answer to others. Even covert narcissists, who may not seem grandiose, have these core beliefs. As they see it, change is something others need to do, never themselves.

5. They have a victim narrative.
   Like self-defense or idealization, victimhood is a common mindset in narcissistic people, especially the more passive-aggressive types. Adopting the attitude that they are always the wronged party when they don’t get what they want is a loophole that allows them to avoid accountability and blame others. Playing the victim fiddle is also a strategy to gain others’ attention, sympathy, and care. The problem with framing experience as always unfair is the inherent lack of ability to see themselves as eternal victims powerless to change their circumstances.
6. They do not empathize
   Narcissists’ lack of empathy is perhaps their greatest deficit and obstacle to growth. The lack of emotional connection with other people’s experiences or emotional states stems from their internal alienation and lack of empathy for the child’s vulnerable self. Standing apart from their humanity is meant to insulate them from vulnerability, but it keeps them fear-driven, callous, and isolated.
7. Others protect them from consequences.
   Narcissistic people are emotionally dysregulated, ruthlessly self-serving, and deeply traumatizing to others, especially their family members. Many of them had been protected from the consequences in childhood (while also being emotionally deprived). As adults, they seek out partners who will similarly accept and support their delusions and abusive behavior, often aligning themselves with narcissistic professions and institutions that reinforce their entitlement.

The narcissistic trap

Like the rest of us, narcissistic people can change and evolve. But as long as they avoid self-reflection, distort reality, highlight negativity, self-aggrandize, play the victim, and disconnect emotionally without ever being held accountable by the people around them, they will never have the strength they need to develop morality. Responsibility and healthy ways to deal. What begins as a childhood defense against feelings of unlovability becomes a self-fulfilling trap that makes it impossible to experience trust and loving connection with oneself or with others.