7 phrases covert narcissists use to manipulate you

“I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“We’re soulmates.”

When you met your partner, they were sweet, charming, and attractive. Maybe you fell in love quickly, and they think you’re perfect, but you pick up on things they say that make you feel confused and question your sanity.

Unlike overt narcissists, who are loudly attention-seeking, covert narcissists are quiet and unassuming.

When a covert narcissist starts to weave their web, it’s tough to detect their manipulative and deceptive tactics. You don’t know you’re being controlled or manipulated.

But your gut tells you that something is wrong.

One day, they make you feel like you’re giving them the world, and the next, they’re pulling the rug out from under your feet.

You’re here because you want to know how to spot a covert narcissist, and you want to see if you’re being used in your relationship. So, let’s take a look at the following seven phrases that covert narcissists use to manipulate you.

1) “You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re crazy.” “Get over it already.”

Have you heard this before?

A narcissist needs to make you feel small and insecure to keep you under their influence. They start by targeting your confidence and saying mean things to create self-doubt because they lack empathy.

Maybe you’ve been in a situation where your partner has insulted you, and when you call them out on what they said, they retaliate by saying, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Get over it already.”

So, instead of listening to you or trying to understand your reaction, they shift the blame onto you by saying that you’re too sensitive or too emotional. In this way, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions while planting the seeds of self-doubt.

Maybe you’re too sensitive.

They want you to believe that it’s all your fault.

What makes matters worse is that these comments are usually followed by affectionate, loving behaviors because they still want you to believe that they’re interested in the relationship. This makes the interaction even more confusing and difficult to pinpoint.

It’s classic manipulation.

Refusing to tolerate insults or emotional abuse is not a case of oversensitivity.

2) “I’m just kidding.”

Another subtle way to create self-doubt is to make fun of you and then tell you that they’re “kidding.”

This is a strategy that covert narcissists use to protect themselves because they don’t like to accept any blame for their actions.

This is what happened to me…

One night, my fiancé and I decided to stay home and order takeout. As we were discussing our food choices, he made a sarcastic remark: “You better not order extra cheese; these pants look a little tight.”

When I was upset, I got a “just kidding” response.

The rest of the evening, he asked if I needed anything and seemed attentive and kind.

“Just kidding” or “I’m just kidding” statements aren’t one-time occurrences. They happen repeatedly because they target your self-esteem while trying to shift blame.

They’re condescending statements, and the goal is to make you think you’re the problem. This keeps them in control of the relationship.

3) “I didn’t say that.”

The covert narcissist is very good at manipulation, which can lead to a severe breakdown in mental and emotional health.

When someone denies what they just said, they are trying to get out of the lie by making you doubt yourself.

The covert narcissist is so convincing that you no longer focus on them and wonder if you misunderstood them. Once you feel suspicious and stop questioning them, they have achieved their goal of getting out of the lie.

When you question your perception of reality or feel like you’re losing your mind because you’re so confused, that’s manipulation.

Manipulation is not okay.

It’s emotionally abusive because it leads to anxiety and crushes your self-confidence. If you’re affected by this type of psychological disorder, talk to someone you trust or leave the relationship.

If you try to talk to the narcissist about their behavior, they will continue to deny everything because they don’t take responsibility.

4) “If it weren’t for me.”

“Congratulations! You got the job!” “But you know, if it weren’t for me, you probably wouldn’t have gotten the job.”

Are they happy that I got the job, or should I give them credit?

RELATED:Why Are Narcissists and Sociopaths So Angry?

Covert narcissists are cunning, and they want you to believe that you need them. So, they will say things that make you think they’re on your side, but in reality, it’s all part of their plan to create a false sense of security in the relationship.

They are extremely envious.

Narcissists have periods of jealousy, which makes them feel insecure. They will use the friendship or relationship to feed their ego by criticizing you or maliciously belittling you, so you never know if the problem is with you or them.

They want to feel superior to you, and they can do that by tearing you down and then building you back up again.

If they had anything to do with your accomplishment, they will let you know by taking credit for it.

5) “Don’t you remember how good we were?”

While narcissists tend to be arrogant and outgoing, covert narcissists are harder to spot because they tend to be more introverted and insecure. Some might describe them as shy and sensitive.

So when things don’t go well in a relationship with a covert narcissist, they become victims of the situation.

Instead of focusing on their flaws, they ignore and blame things or people outside of them.

If you’re fighting about something in your relationship and you’re threatening to leave them, you’ll likely hear statements like, “We were good together in the beginning” or “I’m the way I am because my parents were so bad when I was growing up.”

They may suggest that you are selfish and don’t understand them, or they may play the “innocence card” by telling you that they didn’t think what they did would hurt you.

There is always an underlying theme of feeling sorry for themselves and not accepting responsibility for their role in the ordeal.

6) “You’re not making sense.”

When someone wants to make you feel confused or insecure, they will do things that make you question your thoughts and opinions.

If you confront them about what they said or did, they will tell you that you’re not making sense or that it’s all in your head.

These dismissive responses make you think that your opinion doesn’t matter or that you don’t have a voice in your relationship.

You wonder if they respect and value you.

To get their point across, they will not only dismiss what you’re saying, but they will also cut you off while you’re talking. This usually happens when you’re in an argument with someone or confront them about their behavior.

In many cases, a partner who is manipulating you will try to confuse you by accusing you of being crazy, or they may simply ignore you to get what they want.

Don’t let anyone make you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter or that you’re not good enough. It’s a sign of manipulation, and only you can end this cycle by identifying these traits and putting your time and effort into a healthy relationship.

7) “You’re lucky to have me in your life.”

Oh, it’s hard to be humble!

A covert narcissist doesn’t brag or appear arrogant (at least not all the time), but they do like to make you feel guilty. They will manipulate you so that they can be in control of the relationship.

They will say that you’re lucky to be with them because they expect you to show them how special they are.

Let’s say…

You’re trying to set boundaries in the relationship, and when you communicate what you expect from them, they try to make you feel guilty by telling you that you don’t care about them or don’t love them as much as they love you.

You end up feeling guilty and sad, and they get what they want.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the signs of covert narcissistic manipulation can help you break the cycle of lies and deception.

Trying to understand your relationship by questioning your sanity or feeling anxious all the time is not part of a healthy relationship. You have value, and you deserve to feel safe, valued, and loved.

One more thing.

Never allow anyone to manipulate and exploit you once you recognize their behavior.