“I’ve never met someone like you.”
“We are soulmates.”
When you met your partner, he was cute, charming, and even seductive. Maybe you’ve fallen in love quickly, and they consider you perfect, but you pick up on things they say that leave you confused and questioning your sanity.
Unlike overt narcissists, who are loud attention seekers, covert narcissists are quiet and humble.
When a covert narcissist begins weaving his web, it is very difficult to detect his manipulative and deceptive ways. You don’t know that you are being controlled or manipulated.
But your intuition is telling you that something is off.
One day, they make you feel like they’re giving you the world, and the next, they pull the rug out from under your feet.
You’re here because you want to know how to spot a covert narcissist, and you want to know if you’re being used in your relationship. So, let’s take a look at the following seven phrases that covert narcissists use to manipulate you.
1) “You’re too sensitive.”
“you are crazy.” “Get over it already.”
Have you heard this before?
The narcissist must make you feel small and insecure to keep you under his spell. They start targeting your self-confidence and saying bad things to create self-doubt because they lack empathy.
You may have been in a situation where your partner insulted you, and when you call them out for what they said, they say, “You’re too sensitive” or “Get over it already.”
So, instead of listening to you or trying to understand your reaction, they blame you by saying that you are too sensitive or too emotional. In this way, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions while sowing the seed of self-doubt.
Maybe you are too sensitive.
They want you to believe that this is all your fault.
To make matters worse, these comments are usually followed by affectionate and loving behaviors because they still want you to believe they are in the relationship. It also makes the interaction more confusing and difficult to define.
It’s a classic manipulation.
Refusing to tolerate insults or emotional abuse does not constitute a case of hypersensitivity.
2) “I’m just kidding.”
Another sneaky way to create self-doubt is to make fun of you and then tell you they’re “joking.”
This is a strategy that covert narcissists use to protect themselves because they do not like to accept any blame for their actions.
This is what happened to me…
One night, my fiancé and I decided to stay home and order food. While we were discussing our food choices, he made a sarcastic remark: “You better not order the extra cheese; “Those pants look a little tight.”
When I was visibly upset, I got the response “Just kidding.”
For the rest of the evening, he asked me if I needed anything and seemed attentive and kind.
“Just kidding” or “I’m just kidding” are not one-time statements. This often happens because they target your self-esteem while trying to shift blame.
They are condescending, and the goal is to make you believe that you are the problem. It keeps them in control of the relationship.
3) “I didn’t say that.”
The covert narcissist is very good at gaslighting, leading to a severe breakdown in mental and emotional health.
When someone denies what they just said, they are trying to get away with lying by making you doubt yourself.
The covert narcissist is so convincing that you no longer focus on him and wonder if you have misunderstood him. Once you get paranoid and stop questioning them, they have achieved their goal of getting away with lying.
When you question your perception of reality or feel like you’re losing your mind because you’re so confused, that’s gaslighting.
Gaslighting is not okay.
It’s emotionally abusive, because it leads to anxiety and crushes your self-confidence. If you are affected by this type of psychological disorder, talk to someone you trust or leave the relationship.
If you try to talk to the narcissist about his behavior, he will continue to deny everything because he does not take responsibility.
4) “If it wasn’t for me.”
“Congratulations! You got a job!” “But you know if it wasn’t for me, you probably wouldn’t have gotten it.”
Are they happy I got the job, or should I give them credit?
The ways of covert narcissists are deceptive, and they want you to believe that you need them. So, they will say things that make you think they are in your corner, but in reality, it is all part of their plan to create a false sense of security in the relationship.
They are very envious.
Narcissists go through periods of jealousy, which makes them feel insecure. They will use the friendship or relationship to feed their ego by criticizing or belittling you in a subtle way, so you never know if the problem is you or them.
They want to feel superior to you, and they can achieve this by breaking you down and then building you back up again.
If they have any role to play in your achievement, they will let you know by taking the credit.
5) “Don’t you remember how good we were?”
While a narcissist tends to be arrogant and extroverted, a covert narcissist is harder to spot because they are more introverted and insecure. Some may describe them as shy and sensitive.
Therefore, when things do not go well in a relationship with a covert narcissist, he or she becomes a victim of the situation.
Instead of focusing on their own shortcomings, they will distract themselves and blame external things or people.
If you’re fighting about something in your relationship and threatening to leave them, you’ll likely hear statements like, “We were good together at first” or “That’s the way I am because my parents were so mean while I was growing up.”
They may insinuate that you are selfish and don’t understand them, or they may play the “innocence card” by telling you that they don’t think anything they did would hurt you.
There is always an underlying theme of feeling sorry for themselves and never accepting accountability for their part in the ordeal.
6) “You’re meaningless.”
When someone wants to make you feel confused or insecure, they do things that make you doubt your thoughts and opinions.
If you confront them about what they said or did, they will tell you that you are not making sense or that it is all in your head.
These dismissive responses make you believe that your opinion doesn’t matter or that you don’t have a voice in your relationship.
You wonder if they respect and value you.
To get their point across, they will not only reject what you are saying, but they will also interrupt you while you are speaking. This usually happens when you argue with someone or confront them about their behavior.
In many cases, a partner who is manipulating you will try to confuse you by accusing you of being crazy, or he may simply ignore you to get what he wants.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter or that you’re not good enough. It’s a sign of manipulation, and only you can end the cycle by identifying these traits and devoting your time and effort into a healthy relationship.
7) “You’re lucky to have me in your life.”
Oh, it’s hard to be humble!
The covert narcissist is neither boastful nor self-important (at least not all the time), but he does like to make you feel guilty. They will manipulate you so that they can be in control in the relationship.
They will say that you are lucky to have them because they expect you to show them how special they are.
Let’s say…
You try to set boundaries in the relationship, and when you tell them what you expect from them, they try to make you feel guilty by telling you that you don’t care about them or don’t love them as much as they love you.
You end up feeling guilty and unhappy, and they get what they want.
finalthoughts
Recognizing the signs of covert narcissistic manipulation can help you break the cycle of lies and deception.
Trying to understand your relationship by questioning your sanity or feeling anxious all the time is not part of a healthy relationship. You have value, and you deserve to feel safe, valued and loved.
another thing.
Never allow someone to manipulate and exploit you once you are aware of their behavior.
