People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder instinctively and deliberately construct a persona designed to project an aura of certainty, superiority, charm, and power to the world.
But the more you get to know a narcissist, the more you discover that something is not quite right.
For example, if narcissists are so self-assured, why do they have such a hard time admitting mistakes or apologizing for them?
If they are so superior, why do they need to belittle others so often?
If they are so attractive, why do they need repeated reassurance about their beauty or worth?
If they are so powerful, why do they lose their temper so easily over minor insults?
Dealing with narcissists can be confusing and stressful. Knowing what’s behind the narcissist’s shiny facade can allow you to gain greater insight and empathy when dealing with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or the destructive narcissistic personality type. Seeing behind the curtain can also allow you to set healthier boundaries with narcissists.
Here are seven key assumptions that many people make about narcissists, along with the most likely truth behind these false assumptions:
- Narcissists are extremely confident.
Narcissists often appear confident, as if what they say and believe in the moment is the absolute, unquestionable truth.
However, narcissistic personality disorder develops as a defense against underlying insecurities: a deep fear of humiliation; a constant need for attention; and a deep aversion to appearing weak, flawed, or a loser. These fears drive narcissists to cultivate an image of supreme confidence to distract others from seeing their deeper fears and weaknesses.
- Narcissists Don’t Need Anyone.
Many narcissists have an aura of superiority and independence that makes them appear completely self-reliant. Narcissists can have the ability to rebel against anyone they feel no longer serves them or has betrayed them.
Many ex-spouses or partners of a narcissist can recall how their ex went from breaking up to finding a replacement partner, often in a matter of days. This can make ex-partners feel inadequate and neglected.
But in reality, narcissists lack the ability to provide a sense of self-worth and self-esteem from within. Because of this, they are driven to seek it externally in the form of attention, dominance, wealth, power, or perceived desire. Like parasites, people with destructive narcissism are completely dependent on others for their psychological lifeblood.
- Narcissists feel in control.
They may appear to be on top of the world, living carefree. But because appearances are so important to narcissists, anything that threatens to tarnish their image is seen as an existential threat.
Many narcissists lack a sense of confidence in the world and in their inherent worth, and live in a constant state of alert, looking for real or perceived threats to their carefully crafted camouflage. When they feel threatened, they launch a full-blown response, often in an extreme manner. Many narcissists also seek to feel in control by making others feel out of control through deception, manipulation, and belittlement.
- Narcissists Are Happy.
Many narcissists may appear to have it all and enjoy their lives. However, in many cases, this is simply another way to act better than others by appearing happier, more put-together, and living a more wonderful life. If you look closely, you may see happiness without any real substance.
Often behind the arrogant facade lies the desperation of having to prove their worth every day through external means. Many narcissists may not have direct contact with this desperation, but it drives their sense of entitlement and need for narcissistic supply in the form of attention, triumph, power, and material goods.
- Narcissists feel secure.
Many narcissists appear strong and completely content with themselves. But their sense of security is an illusion.
Sam Vaknin, a self-confessed narcissist who writes about the disorder, has said that when he or other narcissists feel slighted or ignored, it is like “watching the self die” or “disintegrate into particles.”
Narcissists suffer from an underlying fragility. They cannot tolerate feeling illegitimate or inferior in any way. This is why their narcissistic rage can be so intense and easily triggered, even by small events or interactions.
- Narcissists are fearless.
Many narcissists pretend to be strong and arrogant, and pride themselves on not being afraid of anyone or anything. They may adopt an “I’m the biggest son of a bitch in the jungle” attitude. Or they may act as if they don’t need to brag about their bravery, because others will simply assume it.
Beneath this bravado lies the deepest fear of many narcissists: that they are ordinary. Feeling special is a core element of many narcissists’ behavior. The lack of a sense of specialness hurts narcissists because it exposes the insecurities that their facade is designed to conceal. The fear of being ordinary (let alone inferior) must be defended 24/7.
- Narcissists understand why they act the way they do.
Narcissists may appear to know it all. They seek to be above reproach.
But in reality, narcissistic personality disorder is a powerful force. Few narcissists spend much time in self-reflection. Glimpses of the insecurities beneath their facade are rare and fleeting. The defenses inherent in a personality disorder like narcissism can seem very thick and respond like lightning when the narcissist feels threatened.
We can certainly empathize with the wounds that many narcissists suffered early on that may have led to such a personality or behavioral disorder. We can empathize with the pain and emptiness that comes from the perpetual warfare situation that many narcissists seem to endure, and even cultivate. However, we must also give ourselves full permission to protect ourselves from the hurtful, intimidating, and manipulative actions that narcissists take to hide or eliminate their own pain and fear. No one has the right to humiliate another person.
