What industries do you think attract the most narcissists?
Well, according to psychology professor Sam Vaknin, narcissists are almost certainly overrepresented in teaching, the priesthood, business, corporate management, the medical professions, politics, and sports.
I always wondered why my time in corporate finance and education brought me into contact with so many narcissistic individuals. I think that’s part of the reason.
But why am I telling you this?
Well, because I spent a decade dealing with narcissists day in and day out. Through this, I’ve learned some tricks that work, and a lot of tricks that don’t. I had to.
Today I share them with you.
Let’s dig deeper.
1) Take advantage of their desire to have a good reputation
As is widely acknowledged, narcissists often have a deep desire to be viewed favorably by others. As a Huffington Post article put it, they “always care about how people look at them.”
Knowing this is all well and good, but have you thought about using this to your advantage?
You can. And it works.
It’s about subtly steering the narcissist in the direction you want by appealing to their desire for a good reputation. Ask questions like: “How do you think your colleagues will view this?” Or “What would [a respected colleague or boss] think of this approach?” It can effectively influence their decisions.
Additionally, by framing suggestions or comments in the context of how it will impact their image, you’re more likely to get a positive response.
For example, if you need a narcissistic colleague to collaborate more effectively, you could say: “Working together on this project can really enhance how the team views your leadership skills.”
It’s about indirectly guiding them to consider the effects of their actions on their reputation, and trust me on this: it’s much more effective than telling them what to do.
However, it is important to use this approach wisely and ethically. The goal is not to manipulate, but to channel their inherent desire for a good reputation into actions that benefit everyone involved.
2) Use subtle positive reinforcement
B.F. Skinner. Does this name ring a bell?
You may remember his famous experiment from your school days. If you haven’t, here’s a quick reminder: By rewarding the rats with food, Skinner effectively trained the rats to press the lever.
But why am I telling you this?
Positive reinforcement also works on narcissists (and Penny from The Big Bang Theory!). Well, basically, this method can work for anyone when done well, but it’s an especially good way to deal with narcissists who can respond aggressively to criticism.
Let me share an example with you.
During my time as Academic Director of an adult language school, there was one particular teacher whose need for constant appreciation often overshadowed team dynamics. Direct confrontation may have made the situation worse, so I used a simpler strategy.
Whenever he implemented an effective teaching method, I made sure to make a general comment like, “I noticed that your style in class was really effective, let’s all think about incorporating similar techniques.”
This gave him the recognition he was seeking, and subtly encouraged him to continue contributing positively. However, and perhaps more importantly, this made him more open to feedback and seemed to reduce his need for constant attention in group meetings.
The art of this strategy lies in its accuracy and honesty. It’s about giving enough positive feedback to motivate the desired behavior without overemphasizing it in a way that might inflate the narcissist’s ego or appear disingenuous.
3) Use the “gray rock” method.
The quote above is by former Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. When he wrote it, he was not referring exclusively to how to deal with a narcissist. But this is the method we will use today.
Sometimes, the best defense against a narcissist’s manipulation is to become uninteresting, otherwise known as the Gray Rock Method. This tactic involves making yourself inactive and emotionally disengaged, like a dull, unremarkable gray rock, or, as I like to imagine, a cliff that remains immobile when attacked by waves.
This method is especially effective in situations where you cannot avoid interaction but want to reduce the influence of the narcissist. It’s about becoming so uninteresting that the narcissist loses interest in trying to provoke you.
Imagine a scenario where a narcissistic colleague tries to engage you in a gossip-filled conversation. Instead of actively engaging or even disengaging, give neutral, noncommittal answers like, “Oh, really?” Or “I didn’t notice.” Keep your tone of voice calm, your facial expressions simple, and your answers short.
By not providing the reaction or drama the narcissist seeks, you are effectively removing yourself from their toxic emotional playground.
4) Be a reflective listener
This insight, presented by the famous psychologist Carl Rogers, emphasizes a crucial technique for dealing with narcissists: reflective listening. It’s a skill that, once mastered, can turn the tables in your favor. Reflective listening involves really listening to the speaker and then thinking about what you heard.
For example, if the narcissist brags about his or her accomplishments, instead of trying to refute or belittle his or her claims, you could say, “It sounds like you’re really proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
This approach acknowledges their feelings without feeding their ego or starting a confrontation. It also gives you time to think and respond strategically.
It is a subtle art – the goal is to acknowledge sympathy but not necessarily agree. By doing so, you create space for a more balanced and less confrontational dialogue. This has been the method I have used in countless interactions throughout my career, and it has proven effective in disarming the charged atmosphere that narcissistic personalities often create.
5) Focus on facts, not opinions
In my early twenties, while working in finance, I had a colleague who was adept at twisting narratives and turning opinions into seemingly irrefutable facts. He would challenge the strategies I presented, asserting his opinions with such confidence that they seemed like facts.
This is a tactic often used by narcissists designed to assert dominance and sow doubt. But we can minimize their impact by focusing steadily on the facts.
In response to my colleague’s behavior, I learned that sticking to verifiable information is the way forward. I would respond calmly by saying, “The data shows a different trend,” or “Let’s look at the numbers together.”
Often, as was the case with this colleague, they will not have facts to back up their fiction. The facts probably don’t exist. What happens next? Nine times out of ten, narcissists back down because they want to protect one of the things they value most: their reputation. They will back down and make excuses, but more often than not, they back down.
Yes, this is confrontational, but sometimes it is necessary, especially in group meetings. None of us want to be seen as weak or have our hard work discredited.
But be careful. This method requires preparation and understanding of the details. It can backfire when you don’t know your stuff.
6) Keep them in the dark about your personal life
Well, this isn’t very much a “trick.” It’s just a precaution, but I’ve included it here because of how important it really is. I learned this the hard way.
You may have noticed that narcissists are adept at using personal information to manipulate or destabilize, often in subtle ways that can surprise us. Therefore, it is important to be selective about what you share. I’ll leave that up to you, but be sure to keep it in mind.
This approach helps maintain professional boundaries, protect your privacy, and prevent any personal details from being exploited. For narcissists, revealing less about your personal life often means protecting more of your professional integrity.
7) Know when to walk away (and do it)
This is the last point but by no means the least important. In fact, it is one of the most important.
Through my experience, I have learned that sometimes the best course of action for dealing with a narcissist is to simply walk away.
Narcissists thrive on attention and reaction. When you realize that the interaction is going nowhere or is only fueling their ego, backing off is a wise move.
This may mean physically removing yourself from the conversation, refusing to participate in a heated discussion, or, in some cases, reevaluating your involvement in a project or relationship.
For example, if a meeting with a narcissist becomes unproductive and hostile, a calm statement like: “I think we’re not making progress here, let’s revisit this later” can be an effective way out of the situation. It’s about asserting your agency and choosing not to engage in dynamics that are detrimental to your well-being and goals.
Disengagement is not a defeat; It’s a strategic decision that can save you unnecessary stress and conflict. Often times, it is necessary to maintain your sanity in environments where narcissistic behavior is prevalent.
bottom line
So there you have it, guys.
There are many ways to deal with a narcissist. We’ve covered a lot of them here at Hack Spirit, but these are the ones I’ve personally found most effective.
They might work for you too.
I hope this post provided you with some value, or at least was fun to read.
