While being a victim of emotional and psychological abuse in relationships with people with narcissistic personality traits is never your fault, there are some toxic and limiting beliefs that many women cling to that make them perfect prey for men with a predatory nature.
These false beliefs not only allow these women to tolerate and overlook abusive behavior when they fall in love, but they also deepen the influence and effects of trauma bonding – a phenomenon that “occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which intermittent reinforcement takes place.” The principle of reward and punishment creates strong emotional bonds that resist change” – keeping them stuck in the victim role longer than they might otherwise be.
I know this firsthand, because after my own experiences in toxic and emotionally abusive relationships, I finally came to accept that I was not the problem.
And while I’m sick and tired of blaming myself for other people’s bad behavior, I accept that there are some clear reasons why I attracted narcissistic and selfish people into my life, and then allowed them to stay there for too long.
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I used to think it was all about me. I loved being the center of attention when someone did me wrong, and I would bask in the role of the victim. So, once I decided I would no longer tolerate being treated as less than human by cruel and mean people, I needed to address the core issue by asking myself, “Why am I attracting people with narcissistic personality traits in the first place?”
I took a long, hard look at myself and my past relationships in order to find some reason or explanation. That’s not an easy thing to do and it takes a lot of strength and awareness to go deep, but once you do, I promise you will feel better and embrace the changes you need to make in order to surround yourself with positive influences and shut out those that are negative.
After a good deal of realizing self-reflection, here are 7 toxic, false, and limiting beliefs I now make women like me vulnerable to trauma bonding with men who have narcissistic personality traits.
- “Others define your self-worth”
For too long, I allowed people to define my worth by how they treated me. I never fully defined what I was worth and what I am worthy of in terms of relationships and life in general for myself. - “You have less to offer than others do”
If I’m not confident about myself and my abilities, why would that attract someone who is confident in themselves? It wouldn’t and it doesn’t. Take it from me.
I may not be God’s gift to earth, but I sure as hell don’t have to be in order to know that I have so much to offer and give. And I need to believe that if I am going to attract someone who knows that and feels the same way.
- “Being mistreated in the past means being mistreated always”
I think this applies to many of us, as our past experiences tend to influence our lives, but we do have a say in how much they influence our future and how.
I’ve allowed my previous relationship failures to carry over into relationships, and they always fail. Hmm…I wonder why!
If I allow the carryover effects from previous relationships into current relationships, they’re destined to fail, but if I use previous relationships as a lesson and tool for guidance, I’ll be more likely to have successful and meaningful relationships in life.
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- “All people are capable of change.”
Once they become adults, people rarely change their behavior, especially negative behaviors such as lying. Lying behaviors are often linked to more problematic personality traits, such as narcissism or addiction.
Until someone decides or realizes that their behavior is wrong, rather than trying to rationalize and excuse lying or other behaviors, the cycle will continue.
If I keep thinking people will change at my expense, I will never have a successful relationship in any aspect of my life. People don’t change for other people. It takes a level of self-awareness that, unfortunately, many people find difficult to achieve.
- “Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.”
Yes, most people should get the benefit of the doubt – once. But giving someone the benefit of the doubt repeatedly is a problem, because there’s clearly something wrong with someone if you find yourself needing to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again.
I didn’t know that until recently, and now that I do, it’s a one-time kind of allowance.
- “You don’t deserve better.”
Even as a child, I didn’t feel like I deserved much. I felt like I was completely out of what society considered the “norm,” because I was a tomboy who played and watched sports more than many of the guys I knew.
Because I felt different from most of the people around me, I felt less worthy.
- “Everything in your life is negative.”
People have told me all my life that you attract people with the energy and verve that you put off. If for some reason I’m feeling negative, or don’t feel positive about myself, I’ll attract people who feel the same way I do — or worse.
Now that I realize my role in past relationships, I can now accept the changes I need to make in order to have a healthier, more positive life.
It is not easy to confront your mistakes in situations where you were the victim, but try not to think of them as mistakes.
