I was 16 when I made my first breakup phone call.
Yes, phone call.
I was lying in bed, looking at the crumbling ceiling as I listened to him plant the seeds to end our relationship. I listened to his tone go from guilt to sadness, from disappointment to aggravation, and finally from anger to breaking point as I begged him to reconsider. I watched him struggle between choosing his freedom and happiness and choosing to save me from destroying myself.
I remember hearing the desperation in his voice as he told me to let it go, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Instead, I chose to spend hours turning tables, questioning his reasons, condemning him with louder cries, and desperately pleading with him to stay.
Then finally, a 17-year-old boy asked me the question that would forever change the way I viewed my relationships: “Do you love me, or do you love me?”
I remember feeling the room get smaller, my breaths shorter, and the phone sliding away from my face through a combination of the sweat of my palms and my tears.
I couldn’t see the difference between it and the idea, so I said what was simpler: it. I could feel the words on my lips, but slowly I heard my mind drifting to thoughts of judgment by friends, fear of losing someone, and finally, fear that everything would change soon.
We hung on the line a little longer, until I finally gave up.
My first breakup call took 9 hours, but I’m grateful for the timeless lessons. Every once in a while, I’ll think back to that day and find myself asking his question before leaving the relationship or expending the energy to fight for a relationship.
Today, I am a disciple of letting go of people who no longer serve any purpose in one’s life. From toxic family members to heavy-handed friends, employees who have given in to their impulses or clients who cannot appreciate their employer’s emotions, and finally lovers who realize that there are conditions to love.
Through the lessons and experiences that have paved me to a place of positivity and continued success, here are my seven relationship tips for leaving a toxic relationship that no longer serves your purpose.
- Build a positive relationship with change.
I know a lot of people who stay in destructive relationships because they simply don’t prefer to face the vibrations of “change.” They all share a common, limited belief that life will never be better than the world of predictability they have created for themselves.
I’m not saying it’s wrong. Mediocrity is a haven for many. But this is not true.
Learning to build a positive relationship with “change” will only attract more noteworthy experiences and people into your life.
You see, my fascination with evolution is what I was inspired to experience the continued success of my findings being published in the world. Every year, I look forward to getting to know my new higher self and learning about my new magnetism, values, wisdom, and accomplishments. By accepting my greater self, I attract greater minds while also gaining higher clarity for people who no longer lift me to my next journey. Then my decision to give up comes naturally.
- Realize that love is a choice, not a feeling.
Meeting someone new is an event beyond our control—a perfect gift from the universe, I’d say. However, investing time and energy to build and maintain a relationship is a decision you make every day.
The “someone” I choose to commit to is worthy of my journey, and I am on their journey.
Realizing that your ultimate choice is to stay or leave is the solution. This is everything you need to know to walk away from a repetitive, competitive, emotionally vampiric, abusive, or toxic relationship.
For better or worse, the decision in the end is whether to spend time with someone great or get rid of someone aimless. You are the force.
- Leave the gray area.
I have a lot of friends who have kept their previous sexual relationships and romantic relationships for 3-5+ years, just because.
Because they waited for a sign from the universe, or because they found themselves in a season of loneliness. Or, they mustered up a small dose of courage to date someone new only to discover it wasn’t “themselves,” so they ran back, just because. Because they needed a crutch, someone to tell them good or bad news, and my favorite, because of the selfish attention they needed to keep them warm during the winter.
Don’t be a trapped soul, stuck in the middle world.
Stick to a side – the “all in” or “all out” side. Make this commitment to yourself, and stick to it. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it has to be in the present. It’s the only way to find yourself in a space of certainty as you journey through the temporary and unpredictable world.
- It’s not what you finish, but how you finish it.
When I fired my first toxic client, I didn’t care how much money I would lose, or how much time I had invested in her wedding plans. All I cared about was removing her negative energy from my company before it spread like the plague.
The most challenging part of letting her go wasn’t the impact it would have on the company, but finding the perfect way to communicate my plans to withdraw my services.
You see, I think you can say almost anything to almost anyone to get what you want, but it’s the way you communicate your plan of action that will determine their reactions and acceptance of your leaving proposal.
Realize that you end your journey with someone new and different each time you do this, and each new person will need a unique way of communicating tailored to them. Many won’t accept that, but that’s not your problem – it’s their problem. All you can do is communicate your reasons as best you can and make sure you say them in a way that leaves no regrets.
Related: 8 classic signs of a toxic friend, according to psychology
- There is never a perfect time or place to let go of a toxic person.
A few years ago, I had committed to my first and last toxic romantic relationship. We dated on and off for a year, and I finally reached a breaking point. I wanted to wait a week until he returned from his trip to San Diego to finish it in person, but every hour that passed was an hour I was choosing to let myself suffer.
So I did the unthinkable: I texted him in three short sentences. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, told him I would write him a letter when I was ready to explain myself, and wished him well.
I never wrote him that letter
When you smash a cup or mug, you don’t find yourself waiting to get rid of the pieces. I wouldn’t wait a single second to clean up the debris. Why? Because I want to avoid the pain and potential danger it could cause to me or my loved ones in the future.
When there is someone in your life who no longer “works,” why would you risk years or your life for them to hurt you or others around you?
Listen, I’m not saying to give up on someone who has the power to change and become a greater partner to you. I advise you to get rid of “things” that bring toxic influences into your life.
If it’s not officially correct, “leave” that’s fine. However, compartmentalizing toxic people is essential to keeping your energy safe. This way, you will have room in your heart to reserve the spark for “the one” who deserves your ideal energy source.
- Get rid of the thoughts and judgments of your inner or outer circle.
Many times we don’t want to give up on a relationship just because we’re afraid of what people will say or think. It will be the talk of the century, and we swear the world will take the news with them to their graves.
It’s no wonder how our small, aggressive thoughts can create such a grand all-important version of our problems. However, your thoughts are not your reality.
You see, people will realize what you let them realize. And if you hate feeling pain, and stay deep in it, the world will keep you there and highlight all your mistakes.
Instead, if you’re like me, you’ll leverage pain and losses to build a future big enough for yourself, shining a light bright enough for the world to see your new gains and profits.
- End it the way you started it: with love.
Today, I am so grateful to say that every other friend and lover out there sends positive thoughts when they think of Jenny Zhang. On the contrary, guys
Through every man in my past, I never lost any love, and that was always my choice.
I believe that the way my relationships end should remain consistent with the way they began – with open arms, adventure, and love with good intentions. Despite the times I have been wronged, I still choose to walk the path of forgiveness, peace, and an open mind and heart for friendship.
When I end a trip that no longer serves its purpose, I make a thoughtful and intentional exit for my selfish choice. I’m not choosing myself for revenge or because I want to post a sexy picture to make him feel a certain way. I’m going to post a sexy picture of myself because I’m extraordinarily sexy.
I choose myself because I deserve to be free because choosing to stay angry and frustrated is more work than I want to do.
I choose myself because I look better when my energy is free versus trapped in resistance.
I chose myself because I want to be on a winning happy team.
And now finally, I’m free.
Related: 10 things a toxic man will do when he realizes he can no longer control you
