Narcissists live by an attention-hungry, image-driven code. If you crack their code, you may find that the narcissist in your life is less mysterious and more manageable.
The boasting, contempt, fickleness, suspicion, and deceit that characterize many narcissists tend to be driven by seven principles. These principles, which act as an “operating system” for people with narcissism, are largely instinctual and often unconscious:
- Image is everything.
Narcissists will do anything to look good. They will also distract from anything that threatens to make them look bad or retaliate.
This is one reason why narcissists have such extreme reactions when they feel slighted. They assume that others must be so fascinated and impressed by them that no one could fail to admire or submit to them. When narcissists feel ignored or disregarded, their ideal self comes into question. This creates a fear that they may not be pretty or superior.
Image cultivation is why narcissists rarely apologize or admit when they’re wrong. Instead of seeing an apology or admission of wrong as a sign of strength, narcissists believe that doing so shows weakness. And if they do admit wrong, they fear that it will lead others to wonder what the narcissist might have done wrong.
- Attention is essential.
Attention is the narcissist’s drug of choice. When narcissists feel heard, admired, or the center of attention, they feel bulged. When attention is scarce, they experience withdrawal symptoms: irritability, depressed mood, and a craving for their next fix.
Attention rescues narcissists from their psychological abyss. It provides them with eyes and ears that show they are special and worthy. Many adult children or spouses of narcissists can recall watching their narcissists swell up when they get attention.
- Honesty is optional.
Narcissists live in an alternate reality where correctness is more important than honesty. Relevance, not authenticity, rules the roost for narcissists.
Narcissists can seem incredibly convincing. This is because they fall in love with their own words, ignore self-doubt, and avoid self-reflection.
If narcissists are completely transparent about how they handle the truth, they might admit something like this:
“The truth is changeable. It’s whatever I say in the moment and I’ll change it when it suits me. Speaking with absolute certainty makes me feel powerful and superior. Plus, it often convinces others.”
- Danger is everywhere.
It’s hard to overstate how uncomfortable many narcissists feel in their skin. They may not show it—in fact, narcissists often act as if the world is at their fingertips—but deep down, narcissists believe that others are out to humiliate or beat them up.
Because narcissists see danger everywhere, they rarely seek out open communication or mutual relationships. Narcissistic relationships are parasitic, not symbiotic.
Imagine what it would be like to go through life without the repertoire most of us use to communicate and collaborate. What would it be like to rarely allow yourself to ask for help or show vulnerability? What if you could never allow yourself to express sadness, loneliness, or fear? These are the ways we connect with others, soften our hearts, and combat feelings of isolation.
Many narcissists lack an internal compass, so they define themselves through opposition. Only by opposing someone else do they feel real.
- Consistency is overrated.
Driven by emotion and impulse, many narcissists view whatever catches their attention at that moment as their top priority. When they are threatened or needed, they tend not to consider the long-term consequences of their actions. Their internal reality can change so quickly that it can be difficult for them to remember or refer to what they said an hour or a day ago.
While such changeability is annoying to those around them, narcissists may view their unbalanced moods as a valuable weapon because they confuse others.
- Self-reflection is unnecessary
Narcissists generally do not want to know why they act the way they do. Self-reflection is uncomfortable because it might reveal the flaws or shame that are at the core of the narcissistic personality structure. They also fear that self-reflection will distract them from getting what they want.
Narcissists’ lack of self-reflection makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for dysfunctional actions on their part. Without ownership of one’s actions, behavioral change is unlikely.
Ironically, although narcissists feign strength and confidence, being open to self-reflection is a true measure of strength and confidence.
- Compulsive Winning.
The defining characteristic that sets narcissists apart from most other people is their lack of empathy. Narcissists’ lives revolve around winning, generally at the expense of others.
The shocking truth is that narcissists often want you to do what’s best for them, no matter what it costs you. Many narcissists believe that fairness or a win-win approach doesn’t give them much of an advantage. Instead, narcissists tend to focus on credit and blame, winning and losing, who’s superior and who’s inferior.
Narcissists often fail to realize how much others are hurting them. And if they do, they may not care. Some may even enjoy making others uncomfortable. Like an only child or a bored person who makes fun of their younger sibling just to get a reaction, annoying others can allow a narcissist to feel more powerful or alive.
Dealing With Narcissists
We can certainly empathize with developmentally wounded people who have developed a narcissistic style. People with narcissism endlessly fight threats to their shattered self-esteem.
However, if you expect empathy in return, dealing with narcissists can be frustrating.
To deal with narcissistic manipulation, it’s essential to recognize the distortions that narcissists instinctively practice. Applying critical thinking skills can inoculate you against their campaigns.
When evaluating a narcissistic relationship or interaction with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions:
What is the cost to me of tolerating or accepting narcissistic behavior?
What is the cost to me of not playing into the narcissist’s hands?
In either case, do the benefits outweigh the costs?
