Divorcing a narcissistic ex-spouse does not solve everything.
While daily distance can increase the stress, anxiety, depression, and frustration of living with a narcissist, it does not prevent them from being a narcissist.
The next party on the list of victims is often children. But in reality, the narcissist is only using the children to attack the ex-spouse (ES). Here’s how:
1. Projection
Ex-narcissists (EN, although this does not mean the narcissist is no longer an ex-spouse, just that he is an ex-spouse as well) tell children that the ES is the narcissist. Any negative narcissistic traits are projected onto the ES, while positive traits are preserved.
For example, the EN will claim that the ES has no empathy and does not understand what children feel. However, the house they acquired was due to the EN’s achievements, not the joint effort of the previous marriage. It doesn’t matter what the truth is to a narcissist, it only matters how they can twist the truth to appear superior.
2. Unnecessary generosity
When a narcissist can be recognized or admired for their generosity, they can be very generous with gifts. This is usually done at random times to attract more attention. Recipient children, in turn, fuel EN’s ego with gratitude and feel a sense of obligation to be at EN’s side.
However, once the devotion dries up, the EN becomes angry and sometimes takes back the gift. EN will say: “The kid never thanked me” even when he did. This statement is said to elicit more praise and adoration and keep the child engaged with EN.
Related: Narcissistic Parents Assign Roles To Their Children — Which Is Yours?
3. Excessive discipline
In contrast to generosity, there is disproportionate discipline for minor infractions. The oscillating tactics of extravagant generosity versus excessive discipline leave the child on edge. While generosity inspires devotion (draws the child closer), discipline inspires fear (pushes the child away).
This mental abuse tactic is called push and pull. This undoubtedly exacerbates the ES she experienced and now hates to witness through children. EN knows this upsets ES but does it anyway to maintain control over both the children and ES.
4. Stealing dreams
If the ES expresses interest in taking a European vacation, the EN will do so with the children and possibly a new spouse. EN will claim that the dream was theirs, but it was not. This tactic is used to show off in front of the ES. It also serves as a reminder that if they stay, they too can go on the trip.
Naturally, ES will not deprive their children of such a trip, so they are forced to compromise and let the children go. Any complaints about the ES come off as sour grapes and make the EN sound better. This is a checkmate maneuver.
Related: 5 Warning Signs Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse In Your Relationship
5. Gaslighting
EN’s favorite phrase is: “That never happened; that never happened.” Your mom/dad (ES) are making it up, they’re crazy. Without an ES filter, EN is rewriting history and using a push-pull tactic to advance the review.
When the ES protests the change, the EN blames the child for exaggeration. The confused child feels stuck between both parents, unsure which one to believe. This is a harbinger of future anxiety problems in the child.
6. The silent treatment
Most ENs are gifted at using silent treatment to get what they want by withholding love or affection. In the case of divorce, this tactic changes slightly. Now the EN will ask the ES to contact them when the child is away from the EN. However, EN will not do the same in return.
When confronted, EN makes excuses, blames the children, and evades responsibility. EN then states that ES is demanding, controlling, manipulative, and arrogant. This silence is a constant reminder and fear that ES has little control when children are with EN.
7. Unlawful punishment
When EN gets angry with ES, EN unfairly punishes undeserving and unprotected children. This attack is so blatant that ES and children easily recognize it. But since ES is out of EN’s reach, EN goes after the closest target: the children.
Children know that they are being punished for ES’s behavior. Unfortunately, instead of being angry with EN, children resent ES for lack of protection. This further alienates ES from their children.
Related: 6 Lesser-Known (But Equally Toxic) Personality Traits Of A Narcissist
Recognizing these things can help the ES regain some control over the situation. Better yet, having a therapist point out these techniques to children can prevent years of unnecessary anxiety.
