Do you know the signs of a toxic relationship or emotional abuse?

More importantly, do you know when these red flags indicate that you should break up and move on?

I clicked on every story I saw about abusive relationships.

“What to do if your boyfriend is in a toxic relationship”, “Nine reasons to end your relationship now”, and “How to know if you are in an abusive relationship – I would disappear for hours in a hole of connections and lists”.

What was I looking for? Permission to end my abusive relationship? Confirmation that my relationship was toxic?

Maybe what I needed was someone to reach across my laptop screen and shake me.

But the truth is that no amount of shaking would have changed anything; I will only leave when I feel ready to leave.

However, reading those articles had a snowball effect; It helped me know that I’m not alone and that I’m not imagining things.

If you’re where I was – looking for permission to leave, or confirmation of your instincts – here are some signs to help you.

Here are 7 surefire signs that you are in a toxic relationship and need to leave it:

You feel confused all the time.

I used to go around and have conversations with myself about whether or not I should be upset about something.

“Am I the fool or is he?” I was asking myself.

We had terrible fights, and after that, I didn’t even know what they were about or who started them.

When I tried to talk to him, he was quick to tell me that I shouldn’t be upset, that yes, I was the fool, and that I chose to fight.

This brings me to signature number two…

Everything is your fault.

One night I met my friend for dinner at our favorite restaurant.

He was more dressed than usual and seemed nervous and full of frantic energy.

In the middle of dinner, I asked if anything was wrong. He said he was fine, but insisted I had been “acting weird all night.”

I started to feel sick. I said I wanted to go home.

We ended up having a huge fight that he maintained was my fault for weeks afterward — until one of his friends emailed me to admit that she and my friend had been having an affair that started the night before the restaurant fight.

Hiding things from him

I was changing the passcode on my phone all the time because I was afraid my boyfriend would see the innocent text messages and get upset.

When we were together and my phone was ringing, my stomach would jump.

He could hear my phone vibrating from two rooms away.

“Someone is calling you,” he would say in an ominous tone.

It wasn’t that I was cheating on him or abusing him or doing anything that I didn’t want him to know about – other than communicating with others.

It leads directly to the next mark…

He tries to distance you from friends and family.

According to my boyfriend, all of my friends were either crazy (my female friends) or just wanted to sleep with me (my male friends).

My family was “all bad,” as well as made up of hypocrites and losers.

He would tell me, “I’m the only person who has ever truly loved you,” and what’s worse is, “No one will ever love you the way I love you.”

I certainly hope not.

He calls you names.

You might think that when someone calls you a bad name, you’ll be done with that person, yet I tried to excuse him.

He was just upset. He’s been drinking. My bad temper and evil tongue must have provoked him.

Haven’t we all said things we wish we hadn’t? Words don’t mean anything, it’s actions that matter.

At least that’s what he was telling me.

So he called me an ugly name; He also fixed all the rat holes in my apartment and worked on the stove all day making me my dad’s famous soup as a surprise.

How could I be crazy?

Sometimes when my mind is fuzzy, my body tells me the truth.

I was feeling sick after having sex with my boyfriend. I thought I was just a weirdo (another name he called me).

If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s not rape, right?

Sometimes he wants it and you don’t want it, and sometimes you want it and he doesn’t want it.

But there’s a difference between changing your mind once you start messing around and steeling yourself when he rolls over and puts his hands on you.

You no longer recognize yourself.

I remember the day I decided to end my toxic relationship once and for all.

I was taking the train into the city with some friends, and every time we went above ground, my phone would ring with angry texts. My friend was angry. Shaken and grey, I explained to my friends what was happening.

One of them got very upset and told me that I should cut things off immediately, do whatever I had to do, and even call the police if necessary. But our other friend interrupted her. “You know this person is bad for Elizabeth, and I know this person is bad for Elizabeth, but she needs to know that. It has to be her decision. We can’t do this to her.”

I felt like a kid with a nose in the corner, listening as adults discussed the matters on my mind. It made me angry. How could they talk about me like this? And that’s what did it.

Finally, I had enough. My anger and humiliation turned into pure determination. That day is over.

Please know that any of these signs are more than enough reason to walk away from your relationship and never look back. Please know that I completely understand how hard it is to leave, and if I could reach through the screen, I wouldn’t shake you, I would hug you.

But since I cannot, please, be honest and kind to myself; It’s not your fault, and you deserve better…we all do it.

Here are 7 surefire signs that you are in a toxic relationship and need to leave it:

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