Relationships don’t always end with a bang, like cheating or abuse. A large number of them end in a slow death — couples simply break up because they no longer feel connected.
A look at divorce statistics will show you that 55% of divorces cite this as the reason.
What happened there, you might ask?
Well, according to psychologists, when couples break up, they likely fall into some sneaky habits that quietly push them apart without realizing it.
If you want to know which habits to avoid to keep your relationship going strong year after year, you’ve come to the right place.
Here are 7 common habits of couples who break up without even realizing it:
1) Leaving issues unresolved
First, let’s get this straight — open and honest communication will always be a staple of strong relationships.
Without it, even the smallest misunderstanding can escalate into major issues.
The problem is that many couples, once they feel secure in their relationship, start making less of an effort to communicate. The deal is done, so to speak, so why bother with the hard work?
Unfortunately, “hard work” involves discussing tough issues, understanding the other person’s perspective, and reaching a compromise.
Even a small problem can grow into a huge snowball of resentment if left unresolved.
Those unwashed dishes in the sink, day after day? Do you constantly feel like you’re cleaning up after your partner? Those are small problems, right?
But trust me, if you’re putting up with all of this because you don’t want to make a fuss, it’s bound to make you feel emotionally distant from your partner.
According to BetterHealth, “In relationships, communication allows you to explain what you’re going through and what your needs are to another person. The act of communication not only helps you get your needs met, but it also helps you connect in your relationship.”
So make communication a priority. The day you stop talking is the day you start drifting apart. Which brings me to my next point…
2) Glued to Your Phones
Raise your hand if you’ve sat next to your partner and been scrolling through your phone for hours. It’s called “phone ignoring” — ignoring someone in favor of your cell phone.
I’m not judging here, I’m guilty of this myself. But it’s a habit I try not to fall into too often. I’d like to say it’s easy, but it’s not — it happens so quietly that we often don’t even realize we’re doing it.
So if it’s hard for you, too, here’s a word of warning: Studies show that phone ignoring decreases marital (or relationship) satisfaction. It also contributes to depression, too.
When it comes to relationships, closeness happens in the small moments of our day.
These are the little things like talking while eating, noticing your partner’s facial expressions, noticing how they rub their hands together when they’re happy…
But if your eyes are always glued to your phone, you’re missing out. You’re missing out on those fleeting opportunities to feel connected to each other.
3) Letting Routine Become Routine
Another reason couples drift apart is a lack of novelty. They’ve let life happen to them, instead of the other way around.
But I get it—my husband and I have had periods of “routine,” when our lives feel like a factory machine.
We have kids to take to and from school, meals to make, groceries to buy, bills to pay, and laundry to do… and we go on autopilot to get it all done.
I’d say this is true for all of us to some degree. We need some structure to make our lives less chaotic. But if you want to stay connected with your partner through it all, don’t forget to make room for the new.
Plan dates, camping trips, or classes that you can take together. Do things to break up the monotony of life.
According to psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron, doing new and exciting things with your partner can boost attraction levels and rekindle the spark.
His research into love and relationships has found that couples who do this are more satisfied than those who stick to the same old routine.
4) Overworking
You know those stereotypes on many TV shows where a bored housewife cheats on her husband because he’s always away at work?
Well, this isn’t just a plot device – it reflects a real issue in many relationships. If one or both partners prioritize work over their relationship, when do they have time to connect?
It’s easy to justify overworking as doing everything “for the family” or “for our future.” Unfortunately, this also has serious consequences – it can cause couples to drift apart.
Just like not watering a garden can make it wither, not caring can cause people to suffer from a kind of emotional death. That’s what loneliness and resentment can do.
If left unaddressed, this can slowly lead to partners drifting apart until they feel like roommates instead of real partners.
5) Not Prioritizing the Relationship
This ties in closely with my point above. Overworking is one-way couples don’t prioritize the relationship. But there are so many other ways this can happen…
- Choosing to hang out with friends instead of date nights
- Always prioritizing hobbies over quality time together
- Not supporting your partner on issues that involve other people
- Making big decisions without consulting the other person
- Putting the other person’s needs before their partner’s
I could go on, but you get the idea. Scenarios like this can undermine a relationship between two people because the underlying message is this – you’re no longer a team.
Says couples expert Stuart Fensterheim at Thrive Global:
“Putting your relationship first means you’re looking at everything through the lens of you as a couple and how your decisions and actions will impact your partner and your relationship in the future. That means putting the relationship first.”
6) Don’t Take Each Other For Granted
Here’s another mistake I’ve made in the past – I’ve taken my partner for granted.
This is especially true for couples who’ve been together for a while. As I said before, comfort and security can make us feel good like we don’t have to put in so much effort anymore.
But real talk—the couples who last are the ones who keep putting in the effort, day after day, year after year.
The ones who don’t…well, they break up. It may not happen overnight, but slowly, the connection fades away because there isn’t enough gratitude and acts of service and kindness toward each other all around.
The folks at Marriage.com say that doesn’t automatically mean the end, though.
“On the plus side, your partner can do this subconsciously, so it’s up to you to tell them how you feel. Don’t see it as a dead end, as you can easily find a solution once you know what to do,” they explain.
7) Not Having Any Shared Experiences, Interests, or Values
Finally, couples who break up without realizing it may not realize it’s because they don’t share anything.
In this regard, my husband and I have always been successful. We always have what poet Donald Hall wrote about after the death of his wife, poet Jane Kenyon, the “third thing.”
What exactly is a “third thing”?
Well, in a relationship, there’s you—the first thing. Your partner—the second thing. And the thing you do or look at together in shared ecstasy or satisfaction—the third thing.
My husband and I have a lot of personal interests that we do separately. But we also have a lot of third things, apart from our kids: art, horror movies, dogs, trying new restaurants, searching for great vinyl records…
Most importantly, despite our wildly different personalities, we share the same set of core values.
BetterUp says that it’s the shared values that can help couples get through the tough times, long after the initial courtship and the start of a new relationship.
When you’re proactive about preserving shared experiences and values with your partner, you’ll keep your relationship strong.
There’s always a sense of togetherness, a sense that you’re growing as individuals, and growing together. That’s a beautiful investment, don’t you think?
