What is a toxic relationship? How can certain marital problems lead to one?

It turns out that some behaviors, like disdain, are forms of emotional abuse that can cause some serious damage.

When people think about behaviors that can upend a marriage, most tend to focus on big-ticket items. betrayal. financial problems.

While issues like these can certainly blur the foundation of a marriage, there are many other small, seemingly minor behaviors that, over time, can leave a relationship cold and empty.

For example, undermining or invalidating your partner. Or ignore your partner in favor of your phone.

Without supervision, they can turn into termites that slowly gnaw away at the foundation that the partners have built.

One such sentiment that is always brought up is contempt.

In marriage, contempt is acting as if your partner is less than you or not worth your time.

He actively ignores another person’s ideas and opinions or shows disdain for them.

Dr. John Gottman considers contempt the most dangerous of the “Four Horsemen,” the four-way set of communication styles that indicate problems in a marriage.

As the Gottman Institute summarizes, “Contempt feeds on long-standing negative thoughts about a partner, and arises in the form of an attack on a person’s sense of self.”

Gottman describes contempt as beyond criticism because it indicates moral superiority over one’s partner.

“Thoughts and feelings of contempt toward our partners corrode us and, like rust, slowly but surely erode any foundation of love that may have once existed,” says Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent Los Angeles-based couples therapist who has had multiple visits. 25 years of experience.

“In short, I view contempt as a form of emotional abuse.”

Contempt has developed over the years.

This manifests itself through behaviors such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, regular interruption, criticism, and regular impatience, and thrives on the frustration and conversational blockade that develops.

The person showing contempt certainly needs to put a lot more effort into communicating, including discussing his feelings more openly so as not to simmer and turn sour.

But relationships are a two-way street, and there are many regular behaviors that, if left unchecked, can make one a target of contempt.

Because contempt often arises when complaints are ignored or when one partner unknowingly shows contempt.

Here are 7 behaviors that can quickly turn your marriage into a toxic relationship:

Regularly ignore your partner

Marriage is built on the foundation of good communication.

Conversations are essential to getting on the same page as well as maintaining emotional and intellectual connections.

But when one partner regularly gets distracted or acts like they have better things to do while their partner is talking, contempt can easily flourish.

Phubbing, for example, is a big recent sign of this: the act of unwittingly scrolling through someone’s phone while another person is talking is becoming more and more a military hotspot.

But, in general, couples need to listen to each other no matter how small or large the discussion.

As Maria Sullivan, relationship expert and vice president of dating.com, explained to us, all of these behaviors signal to your partner that you don’t care what he has to say.

If done regularly, they can greatly harm a marriage.

Not paying attention to your body language

Body language speaks volumes in a relationship.

You may be sabotaging your relationships by subconsciously shrugging your shoulders, crossing your arms, or tilting your chin.

For example: Cross your arms. This makes you feel closed off or unwilling to listen to what others have to say.

And she can talk a lot, said Alison Henderson, a certified nonverbal behavior expert in movement pattern analysis.

“The visualization is the important part,” says Henderson. “They may think the gesture is harmless because they don’t mean anything by it, but the problem is how it is perceived.”

According to Sullivan: “Listening to [your spouse] or speaking your mind with crossed arms may send the message that you are hiding something or that you are being warned.”

“This can make your partner feel like you’re disconnected.”

Forgetting to have intimate relations

As life gets busier, finding time for intimacy becomes more difficult.

that happens. But this is no excuse.

Small opportunities for intimacy—physical, emotional, and intellectual—present themselves every day.

However, if these opportunities are not seized or prioritized, resentment and contempt can flourish.

“This can lead to arguments that can breed hostility,” says Sullivan, adding that it’s important to set aside weekly intimate moments to encourage communication and reinforce the fact that you’re more than just roommates.

Forgetting appreciation

At the beginning of marriage, praising your wife is second nature.

But as the years pass, expressions of appreciation tend to decline. This of course is not good.

“Even though nothing has changed for you, your lack of interest and appreciation will make them want to stop showing you affection,” Sullivan says. “This can lead to a cycle of bad behaviors.”

As Jonathan Robinson, a couples therapist and author of the new book More Love, Less Conflict: A Communication Guide for Couples, tells us, “The number one correlate of happiness between couples is the amount of appreciation they give each other.”

In other words: Just letting your partner know that they are appreciated and that their efforts are not going unnoticed can help them feel validated and understood.

Feeling complacent

The chamber stage is a real phenomenon. And few things can extinguish the fire of a marriage faster than settling into a routine.

If you find yourself falling into familiar patterns, it can breed boredom and disinterest, which can lead to other, more risky behaviors that make their way into the marriage.

“If your partner is not receptive to trying something different, such as taking a class or exploring a new location, this may discourage partners from experiencing the joy that married life has to offer.”

Complacency quickly leads to contempt.

Ignore communications

It’s difficult to respond to every text or call that comes in during the day.

But if you’re constantly ignoring your partner’s requests for an update or quick call, you’re stirring up trouble.

It’s okay to ignore a message if you can’t reply to it right away. It’s just a matter of not forgetting about it for several hours – or even ignoring it completely.

“If this continues, the party being ignored may begin to feel abandoned,” Sullivan says.

Excessive need

A partner who demands too much from him can also ask for trouble.

Being needy and clingy can drain your partner’s emotions and ultimately lead to them giving you attention out of obligation rather than desire.

Eventually, they will begin to view your relationship as a job, or a job they may be looking to quit.

“Allowing your partner to grow separately from you is an important factor in personal fulfillment,” Sullivan says.

“Remember, you are two people in love, not a close-knit couple.”

Here are 7 behaviors that can quickly turn your marriage into a toxic relationship:

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