The cycle of abuse follows a familiar pattern: stress, an abusive incident, reconciliation, and a period of calm.
Abuse, followed by regret, and then a sense of being okay are part of what makes people feel like they can move on from an abusive relationship, believing that it will eventually get better.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse is a bit different, with the cyclical nature it plays out with subsequent partners. First comes love, then comes abuse, and finally a breakup before the narcissist moves on to their next victim.
The old adage “history doesn’t repeat itself, but it rhymes” is especially true when it comes to narcissists.
While the cycle of abuse may not follow the exact same path for every relationship, there are some steps that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder share.
What is the cycle of narcissistic abuse?
When you’re in the cycle of abuse with a narcissist, the type of emotional terror they inflict can be very unique and personally devastating, but the strategy they follow is largely the same for each partner.
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This usually comes in three stages, although the narcissist’s need for emotional supply creates a natural ebb and flow from one stage to the next.
Idealization
This is the stage in the narcissistic relationship cycle that initially draws the victim in and often causes them to return to the narcissist after things go wrong.
Initially, narcissists shower their victims with praise and admiration, a technique known as “love bombing.”
A telltale sign of love bombing is that you feel like the relationship is moving too quickly. Narcissists have a grandiose sense of themselves, and this is reflected in how they feel about their relationship.
They may declare you a soulmate after the first date. You’re put on a pedestal from the start, meaning you have nowhere to go but down in the eyes of your narcissistic partner.
Narcissists make their partner feel like they’re the center of the universe, but all of this praise has nothing to do with their partner’s value as a person and everything to do with how the new relationship makes the narcissist feel; it’s a reflection of the positive feelings they have about themselves.
Unfortunately, instant attachment and overwhelming amounts of praise can be addictive for the victim, which is one of the reasons so many people end up back in toxic relationships with narcissistic partners.
Devaluation
All good things must come to an end, and with a narcissist, it all comes crashing down in a relatively short period of time.
While narcissists idealize their partner in the early stages of a relationship, they start to see the cracks within months, and after that, that’s all they can focus on.
The devaluation stage is a reflection of how the narcissist feels about themselves. Narcissists no longer feel euphoric about a new relationship, and they take out their disappointment on their partner.
To restore their ego, they attack and belittle their partner so they can feel powerful again.
Depending on the narcissist’s emotional state, they can oscillate between the idealization and devaluation stages.
One minute they are madly in love with each other, and the next minute their partner can’t do anything right. This oscillation is incredibly damaging to their partner’s psyche and makes it easy for the narcissist to control them.
Ditching
While the devaluation stage is no walk in the park, getting rid of a narcissist’s partner is what they fear most. During this stage, the narcissist seems to simply walk away.
Sometimes they will speak out against their ex to any mutual friends who will listen, but most of the time they simply walk away without a word of explanation.
When a narcissist dumps a partner, it’s because they are no longer getting what they need from the relationship.
His partner doesn’t provide the ego boost he so desperately craves, even when he trained his partner to provide it during the devaluation phase. Sometimes, a new partner is the answer.
But the disposal phase isn’t necessarily final. Many narcissists return to a previous relationship when they need an extra supply.
Sometimes this is short-lived, but other times they fall back into familiar habits and the cycle of abuse begins all over again. Many narcissistic relationships go through multiple disposal phases before the final disposal actually occurs.
Sometimes this comes as a relief to the abusive partner, but often it leaves them confused and upset.
How Does the Cycle of Abuse Work?
While narcissistic abuse may seem somewhat linear, it is actually a cyclical process, and most victims experience each episode several times before they leave the relationship.
For example, the narcissistic disposal phase seems final, but many narcissists use it as part of a clean-up technique. After the devaluation and disposal stages, the narcissist moves on to another partner or at least tries to.
Once they get tired of this situation, they often return to their ex, showering them with compliments and talking about why they should never leave them.
This is all part of the narcissist’s mean/nice cycle, and it won’t be long before they start devaluing their partner again.
The idealization and devaluing phases can alternate several times throughout the relationship, with the narcissist abusing their victims, apologizing for their behavior, and expressing admiration for their partner.
But before long, they will criticize and degrade their partner until they are completely broken and helpless, but even that is not enough to satisfy the narcissist.
The partner has stopped meeting their need for supply and is doing the same narcissistic disposal as before – walking away with seemingly no remorse or emotion.
Whether this happens again depends on whether the narcissist sees more supply to squeeze out and whether their partner is willing to endure further cycles of abuse.
How to Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse?
Stopping the cycle of abuse is no easy task; This is why many victims of narcissistic abuse stay in these relationships for months or years after the devaluation phase begins.
The first step to getting away from an abuser is understanding what constitutes abuse and how it affects you.
Why is narcissistic abuse so devastating?
Narcissists leave many scars on their victims, especially in how they perceive relationships, trust others, and even how they experience the world.
What does narcissistic abuse do to you? Recent research using brain imaging technology has found that narcissistic abuse causes many of the same problems as traumatic events like war and natural disasters.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and have symptoms consistent with it.
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Narcissistic abuse has a negative impact on the hippocampus area of the brain. This is where memories are transformed from short-term storage to long-term storage.
As a result, survivors of abuse have more trouble remembering and sometimes have difficulty learning new topics. The prefrontal cortex is where decision-making occurs, and those who have spent months or years in a relationship with a narcissist often cannot make plans or focus their attention.
Then there’s the amygdala, which is thought to be one of the main controllers of our emotional responses. Those who suffer from abuse have a harder time regulating their emotions, leading to anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders.
What is narcissistic emotional abuse and what does it look like?
Abuse can come in many flavors, and a narcissist will likely try a few to see what works—what takes away your power and leaves you under their spell.
At its core, narcissistic emotional abuse is about controlling their partner’s behavior. To do this, they need to analyze them to the point where they look to the narcissist for all the validation and value they need.
These are some of the most common forms of narcissistic abuse.
Emotional manipulation – Narcissists love to control the narrative and will tell you that things happened differently than they actually did.
Withholding love – Narcissists need your attention to thrive, but they know that withholding affection and love is one of the surest ways to keep you.
Lying – There is nothing more important to a narcissist than their ego. Manipulating the truth protects that ego and removes accountability.
Insults – It is much easier to control you once you feel like you deserve to be treated poorly. You will be told that you are worthless and should feel lucky to have the narcissist in your life.
Exercising control – Narcissists want you to know that they control your life. You can only make decisions with their permission.
How do victims of narcissism feel?
Everyone who has experienced the pain of narcissistic abuse feels differently, but there are some feelings that are fairly common to all victims.
Isolation – Narcissists will do everything they can to isolate you from your loved ones.
Indecision – Every decision is criticized, making it seem impossible to make the right choice.
Physical Illness – Narcissistic abuse can cause upset stomachs, insomnia, and fatigue.
Detachment – Your body no longer feels like your own, a natural response that prevents you from feeling the sting of the abuse as acutely.
Depression – It feels like there is no way out of this cycle of abuse.
6 Ways to Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Escaping the cycle of emotional abuse is never easy, but it is possible and absolutely necessary if you want to maintain your mental health. Here are some key steps to leaving someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- Understand that you are being abused
Narcissists are adept at blaming their victims, telling them that they are too sensitive, that they will never find anyone who will treat them better, and convincing them that the abuse never happened in the first place.
You should write down the abusive acts so that you don’t forget them or become convinced that things turned out differently.
Once you see that all the love bombing and immediate emotional connection are just a front for future devaluation and disposal, you can begin your journey away from the relationship.
- Set boundaries.
Narcissists are incredibly self-centered and have no problem violating your personal space.
Sometimes this is intentional, but at least in the early stages, the narcissist simply doesn’t understand your needs or boundaries.
Set some ground rules for your interactions with them; this can lead to some narcissistic anger, but letting them know that you expect boundaries from them can lead to better interactions in the future.
- Be careful.
Narcissists fight back fiercely when they’ve been hurt, and you should expect that. They may start a smear campaign, trying to turn your friends, family, and even coworkers against you.
Narcissists are always trying to get others to side with them, but if you’re prepared for the campaign, you can stand up to it.
- Don’t accept promises, demand action.
Narcissists are adept at telling you what they’re going to do next. Unfortunately, they rarely follow through on their promises.
If you’re going to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, but you want to stop the cycle of abuse, demanding immediate change is a must. Set concrete steps for what they need to do if you want to continue in the relationship
- Get help.
Leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult and you will need some support. Friends and family can be helpful, but they are not always equipped to handle a complex situation like this.
Fortunately, there are resources available—therapists, lawyers, and nonprofits that focus on abusive relationships. They have seen what narcissistic abusers can do and know how to get you out as quickly as possible.
- Walk away without warning.
Confronting your abuser will never lead to a good outcome. He or she may become angry, but he or she is more likely to try to drag you back into the cycle.
The narcissist may act remorseful, tell you that he or she can change, and then revert to his or her old ways a week or two later.
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse will try to make it work, and it is possible for the narcissist to change with appropriate boundaries and expectations.
However, most narcissists will not want to stay in a relationship with these restrictions because they will not meet their needs.
In this case, it is better for both parties to walk away rather than undergo another round of abuse.
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