No one deserves to be manipulated, right?
Everyone thinks it won’t happen to them, but it can happen to anyone, at any time. I found this out the hard way.
A few years ago, I was being manipulated by a close friend. It took me a while to realize and accept it, but looking back it was clear as day.
The best thing you can do with manipulators is to avoid them at all costs, but sometimes it’s not that simple. It could be a co-worker, a friend, or even a family member.
Although my experience with manipulation was not pleasant, it taught me how to deal with manipulators and how to take their power away from them. Without this power and influence, they will not be able to harm you.
Today, I’m sharing with you 6 ways to stop a manipulator without losing your cool to make sure you’re prepared to protect yourself if you encounter a manipulative person.
Let’s get started.
1) Educate yourself on their tactics
Manipulation is about using emotional control to gain power or influence over someone. “The manipulator’s goal is to gain power and control others to get what they want.”
I can tell you from first-hand experience, that when you’re going through this stage, it’s very hard to see that because you think this person cares about you. You trust them and don’t expect them to hurt you like that.
But what I recently realized is that everything my boyfriend did to manipulate me was textbook manipulation. There are usually 4 stages to manipulation and I have succeeded in each one of them.
If I had known the signs of manipulation to look for, I probably would have been able to spot it and put an end to it much sooner than I did.
The first thing you can do to be prepared to stop a manipulator is to know his tactics.
2) Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is important for all of your relationships, so this should just be standard practice for you. But setting boundaries with the manipulator is especially important.
Here’s why: The manipulator’s ultimate goal is to have unlimited control and influence over you. Boundaries throw a wrench into the works because they clearly set limits on what you are willing to accept.
Setting clear boundaries does two things to stop a manipulator:
They make it more difficult for them to manipulate you because if you stick to boundaries, it will be very difficult for them to control you.
It allows you to see very early in a friendship or relationship that someone may be manipulative. Most people will simply respect your boundaries, so you know you need to be extra careful around people who disagree with them.
As PsychCentral explains, there are plenty of signs that someone is violating your boundaries, but “the main sign that someone doesn’t respect your boundaries is if they don’t stop their actions after you’ve expressed discomfort,” says Quinnell Hickman, an individual therapist. And licensed couples in New York City.
By setting strong boundaries and looking for signs that someone is trying to cross those boundaries, you’re more likely to catch a manipulator red-handed, and the earlier you identify them, the easier it will be to put a stop to them.
3) Be calm and emotionally detached
How easy is it to stay calm in an emotionally charged situation?
It’s not easy at all, which is why this next tip to turn off your manipulator without losing your cool is very difficult but also important.
Manipulation only works if you’re emotionally invested. The manipulator has a lot of trouble at first building trust with you and creating what seems like a deep bond of friendship or maybe even love. Why?
It’s really simple: once you trust them, you’re more likely to give them the control they want over you. For this reason, it is common for manipulators to blame and guilt-trip their victims.
Doing these things causes you to have an emotional reaction. It’s as if you want to prove to them that it’s not your fault or that you feel guilty so you agree to what they want.
But here’s the problem: without feelings of guilt or something to prove, the manipulator will get nothing. If you remain quiet and emotionally detached, they will not be able to reach you, nor will they be able to control or influence you.
Staying calm and keeping your emotions out of the matter is key to stopping a manipulator.
4) Surround yourself with a strong support system
For me this was great because having a strong support system was the reason I finally realized that my boyfriend was manipulating me.
Isolation is the second stage of manipulation. It is where the manipulator gradually tries to separate you from the people who truly love and support you.
“The goal is usually to separate you from people who might detect manipulation,” explains Taylor Dragon, a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist.
My “boyfriend” has abused my other friends and tried to tell me that they are not right for me. And it always made me feel guilty for spending time with them. Fortunately, I didn’t lose my connection with them, and in the end, it was their friendship that helped me move away from manipulation.
By surrounding yourself with a strong support system of friends and family, it’s harder for anyone to manipulate you. You always have people looking out for your best interest, even when you can’t do it yourself, and they call out manipulative behavior when they see it.
5) Don’t act impulsively. Pause, slow everything down
See: It’s no secret that emotions affect our judgement. As psychotherapist and executive coach Moshe Ratson, MBA, explains, “Strong emotions can impair our judgment and make it difficult to think objectively and critically.”
This is exactly what manipulators want. They want to create an emotionally charged situation that affects your emotions and forces you to act impulsively.
That’s why one of the red flags of a manipulator is that you feel pressured to do something.
But if you just slow everything down and resist the temptation to act impulsively, you give your emotions a chance to calm down a little, and you can think more clearly again.
One of the most effective ways to stop a manipulator without losing your temper is to pause, slow things down, and avoid acting impulsively. This will prevent you from making any major mistakes that give the manipulator power, and will frustrate him like crazy.
6) Stick to the facts and document everything
When it comes to manipulators, you need to stick to the facts and document everything. If you don’t, they will likely try to use one of their favorite tactics on you; Mind manipulation.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the manipulator attempts to distort reality to make the victim question their sanity. They will try to make you think you are crazy by suggesting that things did not happen the way you remember.
This is very confusing and dangerous because you trust this person, so if they tell you something, you want to believe it even when it contradicts your thoughts deep down. The only way to defend yourself against this is to stick to the facts.
I would go so far as to keep a record of the actual things that happened and were said, so that when they try to make you doubt yourself, you have a record and are sure of what happened.
If they cannot make you doubt yourself and cannot distort the facts, it is very impossible for them to successfully gaslight you and get what they want from you.
