Psychologists define emotional resilience as the process of coping well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress. Building emotional resilience helps develop inner strength and develop new coping strategies.
“When we learn to become resilient, we learn how to embrace the beautiful broad spectrum of the human experience.”
To be alive is to be in constant danger of experiencing great pain. Difficult things will happen to all of us. The First Noble Truth said to Buddha:
“Life is suffering.”
An unexpected tragedy will strike
The people you love will eventually die, or get sick. You will be stripped of some of the things you’ve worked on for years. You may have terrible battles with your physical or mental health. Some of your dreams will be shattered and burned. And if miraculously none of this happens to you in the first half of your life, it will happen to someone close to you, and they will need your support.
The list of misfortunes goes on. If you are a human being, and you have lived for many years, then surely something difficult has happened to you. You can’t control whether or not life throws hard things at you (spoiler alert: you will.) but you can control how you respond to those things.
This insight is at the core of many Buddhist teachings: Accept the inherent difficulty in life, or any given situation, and focus instead on your relationship to adversity.
Read :
Because our interpretations of what is happening, and attitudes toward it, are probably the only thing we can control. People waste a lot of time resisting adversity, wishing it would change, or dwelling in its presence.
The way I see it, dealing with adversity is the main key to life. If you can do that, you will become invulnerable. This whole journey feels much smoother, and dramatically increases the bottom line for your success.
On this journey, you must be able to weather the storms and open yourself up to become Fracture–where friction, shock, and impact are processed to make you stronger, wiser, and more creative. If you cannot, the dark weather of life will only break your spirit and spoil the joy of life.
This article is about how to do the first. Because the core of these skills is something anyone can develop: emotional resilience.
If you notice that you avoid difficult things, get flustered easily under pressure, or sway and lose control when bad news comes to you, this will help you a lot.
What is emotional resilience?
You can adapt and move through difficult times.
It is the durability of an optimistic, agreeable, and productive state of mind. This means that you can remain articulate and resourceful in any situation and turn the negatives into positives.
Emotional resilience is what has made you able to take (almost) anything in stride, not be afraid, and just keep moving forward. I “almost” snuck in there because there is no such thing as bulletproof. We all have our moments, which is why others matter to this one too. But the work of developing that support network is also still in our hands.
There are simple things you can do regularly to build more emotional resilience. So, when those tough days happen, you will be able to handle it.
To give your direction more definition, let’s break down some of the key characteristics you aim to develop. With these tools, you can come out on the other side of anything with more strength, wisdom, and confidence.
Basic traits of emotionally resilient people
- The ability to rely appropriately on others
I mentioned above that we all need network support sometimes. This is because we are tribal creatures. For millions of years, we have relied on each other for support. Proper dependence means you don’t lean too much or not at all. There is a healthy balance in between.
Read :
Being so self-reliant and completely isolated will paralyze your emotional resilience. If you need to hold on to others for everything, because you can’t walk alone, you’re just draining other people’s resilience. But if you don’t have backing, or are unwilling to have it, it will wear out and disintegrate from the inside out faster. This often leads to self-destruction, in one form or another (eg serious addiction, substance abuse, or suicide).
- Take an overview
In difficult moments, you need to be able to zoom out and see the bigger picture. It is not about avoiding having to face the difficulties and emotions of the moment. It is essentially remembering that “this too shall pass”. You know that everything is temporary – the good and the bad.
This higher perspective is also part of what enables you to learn and create quick meals out of adversity. In certain situations, you can see what could have been done differently to prevent something bad from happening. In others, you can see the way forward, understand what you are about to learn, and how you will be stronger for it.
- Design / Grit
This is your fan. Without something inside of you to push you forward, it’s easy to shut down under any pressure from life. Grit, or grit, means an inner desire to push back, move forward, and succeed. In essence, it is your will. your will to live; Your will to fight, your will to come back and endure. Willpower is a symptom of the next trait on the list… - Believing in yourself
The basic belief that you are capable and valuable will lead you through many hardships in life. What makes people explode in the face of adversity, or turn into a hot mess, is clinging to thoughts like, “I can’t handle this,” or “It’s not worth it.”
Believing that you can, that you matter, and that life itself matters brings a sense of significance that you must know how to survive and thrive. It creates that inner drive and determination to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Building your resilience and confidence is one of the biggest components of emotional resilience, which we’ll talk about in a bit.
- Positivity
I’m not talking about Karen in HR, who strides into the office in her sweet voice and announces there are brownies in the break room because “it seems like everyone has a ‘case from Mondays’.”
Positivity isn’t about shooting rainbows up your ass. It’s about being able to see the upside in anything. Instead of marveling at the dirty sandwich you’ve got, you choose to realize how the different aspects of it will make you grow, or challenge the core parts of yourself.
Positivity allows you to see the gift in every challenge. It allows you to remember the inherent beauty and gift of life, even as you deal with what seems like the ugliest parts of it.
Much of this world is steeped in negativity. It’s in the news that gets pushed to you every single day. and the gossip and gossip that make up most of the social media and the average person’s small talk. Having a self-sustaining source of positivity created deep within you keeps you focused on the truth, on what matters, which is your health, success, and happiness.
Read :
- The joke
Having the ability to laugh at life and yourself will keep you alive. The fact that we’re all here, living this insane experience called civilization, same-day shipping payments to our doorsteps – it’s ridiculous. People who are aware of this basic irony have lighter spirits, even in the darkest of times. They laugh their brains out and have sex, how funny life can be.
Read :
All of these traits do not come naturally to everyone. Some lucky ones caught it from great mentors or parents who are otherwise healthy and doing well. Others happen to cultivate it the hard way while fighting their demons in the trenches of life.
But luck or experience doesn’t have to be with fire. If you’re looking to upgrade your emotional resilience, there are specific things you can do to build those muscles, and without having to go into full crunch mode.
Here are six ways you can increase your emotional resilience
- Regularly try to challenge things
Low self-esteem will result from challenges, while high self-esteem will face them. Some people engineer their entire lives to insulate themselves against discomfort. All of this leaves you feeling completely paralyzed as reality intrudes violently and bursts your illusory bubble of safety.
So, how does challenging yourself help?
It boosts your self-esteem. It makes your spirit or will more solid. Intentionally entering moments and scenarios that activate your sympathetic nervous system creates intimacy and comfort in dealing with adversity head-on. Then, when you see that you are completely fine for the moment, you walk away feeling elated and elated.
This is how you start to form the “I can handle anything” belief. Successfully getting through stressful moments is what builds self-confidence and makes you feel less frustrated.
Challenging yourself doesn’t have to mean getting caught naked in the woods with only a pocket knife. You can find it hard to take a cold shower at home, smile and say hello to people you pass on the street or leave the house without make-up, or do a 5-minute set at an amateur comedy open mic. Whatever it is to you that triggers a little fear.
If you pay attention, you will find opportunities every day to challenge yourself. Watch your mind and body as you move around the world.
When do you shrink away from people or situations or take certain actions? When do you avoid eye contact with others? Where do you become overly concerned with how other people look? Where do you negotiate and negotiate yourself to break your word, or procrastinate and put things off until next week?
is reading
Everyone has different set points for their emotional resilience, as well as the things they consider “difficult.” But no matter where you are, you can start to care about feelings of avoidance and discomfort. Once this awareness is honed, you will discover an endless number of customized challenges waiting to be tackled.
(Main point: Not only does self-esteem and resilience come from trying hard things and winning/coming out victorious. Just trying to do hard things builds self-esteem because it trains your id to believe that you are someone who can handle hard things. Winning is secondary. Trying/leaning for hard things is its bonus.)
- Invest in your relationships and support systems
The more community you have and closely relate to it, the better you will do when times of struggle come your way. When you are overwhelmed and going through a difficult time, your external support system effectively gives you collective emotional resilience.
They fill your cup when it’s empty. They help you think in healthy ways and brainstorm solutions. They remind you of your strength and ability. They believe in you when you cannot believe in yourself. They listen and reserve space when you need it. They support you and help keep you together.
Read :
No matter how wickedly strong and self-sufficient you are, at some point, we are all going to need other people to get by. As you work to build your internal resources, be sure to build your external resources as well.
Investing in these relationships seems to prioritize quality time with people, and schedule group get-togethers. When both of you are in each other’s presence, you move the conversation to more intimate and emotionally vulnerable places. You share your full facts or ask for and offer support when needed.
It’s okay to goof off and laugh sometimes. But alas, that’s the extent of many people’s friendships. When shit hits the fan, they feel like they have no one to turn to, even though they have a network of people they hang out with regularly.
What makes it easier for you and other people to reach you in difficult times is that you already know that it is safe to do so. How you react now sets a precedent. By pretending, let those around you know that honest, dark, and radically ugly conversations are welcomed, honored, and appreciated. Having friends who expect each other to lean on, and get frustrated when they don’t, is more precious than gold.
- Be the dominant positive change in your life
Besides experiencing difficult moments, this point is another tremendous contributor to strengthening beliefs like “I can. I am capable, valuable, and I can get through anything.”
Its essence can be summed up in three words: start taking charge.
Life doesn’t just throw success and positive change at you. Yes, sometimes great things, people, or opportunities will come your way. But very few things will survive or take root if you aren’t already off your ass and actively participating in life.
Read the positive changes you experience when you start thinking about yourself
If you are not happy with something, no one will come and rescue you, clean up your mess, or get down to business.
Get up, make it better, or get rid of it.
This could mean cleaning your house. Do you want to feel healthier, lose weight, and get stronger? Then hit the gym, throw the locker shit in the trash, and try new ways of eating to see what makes your body sing.
If you’re chronically broke or feeling tight with money, find excess bullshit to sell, or learn how to create alternative sources of income. If you have any existing skill sets, you can improve and develop them, apply the practice, and find a higher-level mentor to show you the path to greater greatness.
This is about seeing the effects in real-time in your own life, and knowing that you have created them; Your inner will was the only agent for change. The results you get will come back to feedback on your beliefs about what is possible, and what you can produce, which fuels more action and cruelty.
- Build a stress management toolkit
The basic level of stress in your body and mind largely determines how you will respond (or not respond) to adversity. Imagine the brake pads on one car are plump, new, and thick, versus another set that’s completely worn out from metal-on-metal grinding. This is your nervous system’s equivalent with and without stress management.
Read :
Besides your belief in your abilities, emotional resilience depends to a large extent on an orderly and balanced nervous system. I’m sure you’ve encountered the downside of this before. When you’re fully taxed, you can hardly handle the mental task of making a grocery list, let alone dealing with the real issues. You become irritable, clouded by brain fog, and depressed.
There are hundreds of ways to relieve all that stress and intensify your nervous brake pads. Common methods include:
Sweat with infrared saunas
Take an extended sensory bath
Write down thoughts and feelings on paper
Meditation, yoga, and buoyancy therapy
Talk to friends or therapists
Self-massage and foam rolling
Go for a long walk in the woods and/or near bodies of water
Supplements with natural herbs and minerals
Creating art or playing instruments
Experiment with what works for you. Whatever your tools are, once you get to know them, you can have them in your back pocket at all times. That way, you’ll know what works for you in the tough times. You also know the routines to go back to when you suddenly realize you’re feeling overwhelmed and overwhelmed.
- Exercise
Regular workouts combine challenging yourself with taking charge of life and managing your stress. Both your mind and body will be stronger and more resilient. That is if you prepare for it.
While I acknowledge consistency, doing the same casual workout routine for years on end builds nothing. It just barely maintains the level of strength and fitness you are currently at. The approach to physical activity that I’m talking about involves grit and determination.
In each session, keep pushing yourself to increase distance, time, reps, or weight. It doesn’t need to be a lot. As long as you keep pushing the envelope. If you know you’ve proven to yourself that you’re not the best at doing it yourself, hire a trainer for a few months. Not only will they keep you safe and injury-free, but they will bring a level of performance out of you that you’ve never seen before. Then you can use all of these lessons on your own from now on.
Take yourself to the gym even when you don’t want to.
Fight the faint voice in your head that says, “Nah, what about tomorrow?” And getting out the door is already a huge win. When that voice comes back in the middle of a workout and tells you to quit or call him a day and take a shower, tell him to fuck himself up and do another batch of whatever — just to prove to yourself that you can take over anytime you want.
On a biochemical level, getting your body moving will greatly help regulate your moods and keep you feeling happy, energetic, and optimistic. Science backs this up tenfold.
- Laugh
If you can’t laugh at life, you’re totally in bad shape. A sense of humor is essential if you want to spread emotional resilience with ease.
What this means is not to take everything so seriously. You have more flexible control over life. Except for the end of the world, you know that nothing is the end of the world. The opposite of this situation is living in complete fear and anxiety. He is afraid of misfortune, failure, and death.
You will always struggle through life unless you learn to laugh at your own mistakes and limitations, and even at death itself.
This is a big reason for stand-up comedy. This is also why some of the funniest jokes are about the darkest and most unfortunate things in life. Comedians make room for us to feel understood, to forget our problems, and at the same time to remember that they are not that bad. If you’re feeling disconnected from laughter and humor, I highly recommend getting out to live comedy clubs (and spending more time with your funny friends) as a way to rekindle that energy.
All of these points can become daily habits and reactions. Once you start making an effort in all areas, what happens is that you start to create shifts in your personality – how you think and see the world. You are strengthening your psycho-emotional muscles and preparing your mind for anything.
You can move more quickly through any hardship with ease and grace, and become a support system for those around you. Once you reach this level, you will get rewards and achievements beyond what you thought possible.
Read :
