the main points
Narcissistic abuse changes the way survivors view the world and relationships.
Due to their immaterial nature, it is often difficult for outsiders to see what is going on.
Many victims feel isolated, overwhelmed, and unable to connect with others based on their experiences.
After the fog clears in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you may be more confused than ever. For many, it can feel like the dust never settles. Instead, it is always there, ready to step up at a moment’s notice. There may be days when you feel fine, then sleep three days in a row while your mind is stuck in a state of hypervigilance, ready for the next act of revenge.
Due to their intangible nature, it is often difficult – or even impossible – for outsiders to see what is going on. Few legal structures exist to curb non-physical forms of domestic violence, leaving these tactics to go unnoticed—and unstopped—for much longer than anyone would allow physical violence to continue. Domestic violence is difficult to prove without physical or documentary evidence. Many forms of non-physical abuse, such as teasing, slander, stalking or other forms of retaliation, are difficult to describe and can be difficult to stop, even with protective orders in place.
Going through this experience is solitary, even among the same groups of domestic violence survivors. Because our abuse was so different, we may feel like we’re trying to convince others—and even ourselves—of its validity.
Due to the unique experiences of this type of abuse, many survivors report that they have changed in these ways:
You feel jealous of others who are going through normal breakups. Going through a breakup is never fun. In fact, it’s almost always painful. However, in the absence of vindictive behaviors and revenge seeking, one may be better able to heal from emotional pain in a healthy way. I had forgotten that it was possible to have an amicable split. I remember when I went through my experience, it made me grateful for all the other breakups I’d gone through, which seemed completely normal in hindsight. It was a reminder of that normalcy that got me through some of my darkest times, a constant reminder that what I was experiencing was not a “normal” breakup.
You become sensitive to others who overuse words like “narcissism” and “narcissistic abuse” to describe minor disagreements or interpersonal conflicts. Those who have gone through the horrific, mind-numbing torture of narcissistic abuse would never confuse a difficult personality or a disagreement with another person as narcissistic abuse. Overusing this word to describe everyday struggles can seem to trivialize the real experiences of those who live them.
It may take longer to heal. Being constantly in a state of fight or flight, ready for the next act of retaliation, robs people of the ability to effectively heal from a breakup. Full recovery may take years, and this is normal.
You long for more abuse to be physical, just to get some “proof” of it. This resonates with many survivors, but few will share it publicly because of the stigma against this type of statement. In fact, when I discuss this fact during rehearsals or in my writing, I always get some kind of response from people who want to “remind” me that physical abuse is always worse. My goal is not to identify any type of domestic violence or abuse, as all abuse is wrong. But those who have experienced psychological abuse face the additional hurdle of self- and societal illumination that can make recovery worse. Many of my clients will say things like, “I wish I could show you a picture of a bruise or mark instead of having to explain the disfiguring and crazy things they do to me.”
You learn to be hyper-aware of the red flags of narcissism, such as a lack of empathy. When looking for a new mate, or even meeting people socially, you may be more aware of the personality traits that seem uncomfortable to you. This may be because there is something about them that seems familiar and therefore should be avoided. This does not mean that all people you don’t come into contact with are narcissists, that’s highly unlikely. But it means you learn to trust your gut more to protect yourself.
You have higher standards for yourself. You may be less likely to ignore red flags. Or maybe you are less willing to put up with things like lying and prevarication. Likewise, you may make changes or decisions to better protect yourself and your future. For example, many of my clients who experience litigation abuse after a breakup are more likely to sign an advance agreement for their next relationship or marriage because they don’t want to go through it again. All of these things are OK and are a normal part of the healing process.
