We often enter relationships hoping for a fairytale, only to find ourselves trapped in a story we didn’t choose.

Recently, a dear friend confided in me about her relationship, her voice full of unspoken concerns.

As we sat, drinking tea and swapping stories, it became clear that she was involved in a web of manipulation.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Is this normal?”, it’s time to dive into these six warning signs that may reveal some tough truths.

1) They constantly criticize you
One of the first things my friend complained about when she told me about her struggles was being constantly criticized.

Their relationship started off great, but after a few months, her partner gradually began to find something wrong with her – from the way she folded the sheets to her desire to spend time browning.

This is one of the easiest signs to spot, because it will obviously feel uncomfortable, so you may notice it sooner.

Does this resonate with you? Maybe after a disagreement, your partner blames you, saying things like, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have to do Y.”

Or they may play the victim, making it appear that they have been horribly wronged.

It’s like walking in a maze where every path leads to you being the wrong one. At some point, you may wonder, is it really possible that I’m doing everything wrong?

The answer is that it is not. You’re both human, and you both make mistakes — but if you’re forced to admit them, it shows that your feelings, perspective, and peace of mind don’t matter to your partner.

Apologizing is a sign of emotional maturity. “I care about this relationship enough to admit when I’m wrong,” she says. If that recognition never comes, consider it a scarlet red flag when it does.

3) They bring up past conflicts

We all have baggage, right? The old arguments, the petty disagreements, that you once scheduled your trip wrong.

In a healthy relationship, these are bumps in the road — moments to learn from and then move on. But unfortunately, some manipulative people keep these incidents alive, and use them as ammunition in every new conflict.

This was another struggle for my friend. Every time they had a disagreement, her partner would talk about past conflicts as if he were reading from a long list of her mistakes.

“It’s like that time you forgot our anniversary,” he would say, derailing the conversation and putting her on the defensive.

Look familiar? If this happens, you are not alone. Using past conflicts in this way is a manipulative tactic that makes you feel like you are always wrong. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, it becomes a test of your entire character, and that’s not fair.

Worse still, it paralyzes the relationship’s ability to grow. If every new argument stirs up old dirt, you’ll never move forward. It’s like trying to drive with the handbrake on – which is frustrating and harmful in the long run.

If your partner can’t let go of the past and is using it as a weapon against you, consider it another unmistakable warning sign. True love doesn’t keep score, it heals and moves forward.

4) You feel like you need to hide certain things from them
There was a moment when my friend realized something was wrong in her relationship — and that was when she found herself trying to figure out how to sneak the cookies she bought into the apartment without him seeing them.

It wasn’t that he completely forbade her from eating fast food – but by his comments and looks he made it very clear that he disapproved of it, and she was always worried about his reactions.

This sign is a bit tricky, because of course partners will have different opinions about things, and one could argue that encouraging someone to eat healthy is a good thing.

But in a healthy relationship, openness and honesty are the name of the game. You should feel like you can be your full, unfiltered self without judgment, while accepting mutually determined goals and mistakes.

My friend clearly didn’t have that feeling anymore, which led to her starting to keep secrets or even lie to her partner sometimes – which is another warning sign in itself.

Do you find yourself doing something similar? You may have begun to downplay your accomplishments at work, and become silent about how you spend your time, who you talk to, or even what you think and feel.

This doesn’t mean you’re suspicious, it’s a coping mechanism, a way to keep the peace, and it’s a sign of a problem.

5) Sometimes they withhold affection or love

Do you believe that love should be unconditional, or a bargaining chip you use to control people? The answer is obvious, but unfortunately, some people act as if it is the second option.

My friend described these traumatic events in her relationship where her partner was withholding love and affection as a form of punishment.

If she expresses an opinion he doesn’t like or spends time doing something he doesn’t like, a state of apathy will set in. “It was like he flipped a switch off,” she said.

Can you find the connection? Maybe after a fight or even a minor disagreement, your partner becomes distant, giving you the silent treatment or withholding affection until you “make it right.”

This is another classic manipulation tactic. By making their love conditional, they are essentially saying, “Stick with what I want, or suffer the consequences.” In these moments, love feels more like a business transaction than an emotional bond.

It is confusing and emotionally draining to live under these conditions. You may find yourself constantly trying to “earn” their love back, stuck in a cycle that never ends and leaves you emotionally exhausted.

And let’s be honest – this is not how love should feel at all.

6) “They keep score”
We humans all prefer life and relationships to be fair – and as a result some people fall into the trap of “keeping score” in their relationship.

I have to admit that I do this to an extent, because I’ve had friendships where I felt completely exploited. It’s a protection mechanism to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

But if I realize that I’m investing much more in the friendship than the other person, all I’m doing is distancing myself from the other person.

On the other hand, in a manipulative relationship, you may find your partner reminding you of your “debt,” making you feel like you owe them.

Unfortunately, this is something else my friend noticed. Her partner seemed to keep track of how much time he spent with her family versus how much time he spent with his family, who paid for what, and any services he provided her.

Sometimes he did this through inappropriate remarks, and other times he asked for favors he wanted in return. It’s starting to look like a business contract.

But love should not come with conditions or turn into a mutual game. In a healthy relationship, kindness flows naturally without the need for a scoreboard to track who did what to whom.

Finding the courage to get out of a manipulative relationship

You may recognize obvious signs of manipulation such as threats, stonewalling, or gaslighting.

But hopefully this article has highlighted some of the more subtle and common signs that you are in a manipulative relationship.

These things can easily creep into relationships that start out great (like my friend’s). You get used to them so slowly that you don’t even realize what’s happening.

Remember, anyone can exhibit a few of these behaviors from time to time, but it is the consistent pattern and overall dynamic of power and control that defines manipulation.

If you’re not sure if something is wrong, try sharing your observations and feelings with someone else you trust, or a mental health professional for a second opinion.

I know it can be very difficult to realize that you are in a manipulative relationship, and even harder to end things with this person.

But remember, you deserve a relationship that gives you freedom and long-term happiness. And there is definitely one like this waiting for you.