Key Points

The experience of being in a close relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is a recurring problem in psychotherapy.

The psychological needs of narcissists are so great that they seek out a full range of personality traits in partners rather than just one.

Partners of narcissists may blame themselves for having relationships with a narcissist, but partners often have many psychological resources.

As a practicing psychiatrist, one of the most common problems my clients experience is the stress and confusion that comes from being in a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.

While narcissistic personality disorder exists on a spectrum, the full disorder is defined as narcissistic personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Having written extensively about narcissism in my career, I have covered various aspects of narcissism but have yet to address the personality traits that narcissists are attracted to in potential romantic partners.

Given the complex makeup of the narcissist’s personality, what the narcissist looks for in a partner is equally complex. Narcissists don’t need a single magic ingredient in their partners; they need a very specific set of traits.

A good analogy to explain the narcissist’s partner selection process is to think of the narcissist as an engineer; someone who creates a model of relationships that will support their vast (and abnormal) psychological needs. Narcissists’ needs are so vast and deep-rooted that, to survive, they are forced to figure out who can and cannot meet their needs, and who will and will not tolerate their erratic behavior and distorted set of rules for relationships.

What are narcissists most attracted to in potential partners?

One might imagine that narcissists are most attracted to partners who will show them the most attention. This perspective makes sense given the narcissist’s driving interest in narcissistic supply, a clinical term that refers to a combination of attention and reinforcement of the superior image the narcissist is trying to project to the wo

However, the psychological needs of the narcissist are too broad to be satisfied by just one personality trait in a potential partner. Accordingly, the narcissist is attracted to a complex array of personality traits in potential partners, which are highlighted below.

Feeling Responsible for Others

Narcissists are attracted to individuals who tend to feel responsible for others. Despite the myth that narcissists have large egos, the opposite is true. The narcissist is, at its core, insecure and fearful of being powerless, which is why they work hard to project an image of superiority and power. Because the narcissist’s true ego is fragile, they rely on their romantic partners to constantly make them feel important, valuable, and special.

Related : Loving a Narcissist Can Be Detrimental to Your Health

While most adults are busy navigating their daily lives, they do not have the time or energy to devote to narcissists. However, a select group of adults with a personality pattern and life history of feeling responsible for others are an exception. Partners who feel responsible for others’ feelings often tolerate more than is psychologically healthy because they feel grateful for the care of others.

Denying or Sacrificing Their Emotional Needs

The next trait that narcissists are attracted to in potential partners is related to the first and requires less explanation. Individuals who feel responsible for others often find themselves focusing on the needs of others to the exclusion of their own and often report “losing themselves” in relationships.

This outcome is inevitable as long as these individuals are in a relationship with a narcissist. Because the narcissist has so many needs, there is not enough room in the relationship for the partner to have many of their own needs.

Highly Empathetic

Empathy, in a word, is an opium for the narcissist. Individuals who are high in empathy are highly attractive to narcissists because narcissists crave acknowledgment and validation of their thoughts and feelings (clinically, “being mirrored”). Highly empathetic individuals make ideal targets for narcissists’ affection because those who are high in empathy, by definition, care deeply about the feelings of others and make people feel valuable and special.

Complex Self-Esteem

In my 20 years of psychotherapy, I have found anecdotally that the self-esteem of narcissists’ partners is complex, often involving a mix of high and low self-esteem.

Narcissists are drawn to dynamic, attractive partners, individuals who appear to have high self-esteem but also have a “pocket” or two of low self-esteem. This pocket of low self-esteem, which often stems from experiences in their youth, can be understood as a residual old voice telling partners that they are not good enough in some way. The pocket of self-esteem is usually related to a fear of abandonment or not being good enough on some measure (appearance, intelligence, or some other factor related to self-image).

Promoting the Image They Want to Project

Narcissists are very vigilant about the self-image they present. Self-image is the foundation upon which all of their outward behavior (actions and words expressed) is built. When it comes to the partners narcissists seek, they want partners who make them look good and support the image they want to project to the world. Similar to the calculated and transactional way in which narcissists get their needs met, a partner is chosen as an object or “value added.”

Guilt-Proneness

Finally, narcissists are often attracted to individuals who are prone to feeling guilty. These individuals are generally emotionally sensitive and may doubt or question themselves in emotionally complex situations. This personality trait is crucial to the psychological functioning of narcissists because these individuals are easier to manipulate and control, and narcissists tell themselves that individuals who are prone to feeling guilty will also be less likely to leave them.
Conclusion

For individuals who have or have had a romantic relationship with a narcissist, reviewing these factors can trigger sadness or even self-blame. They may wonder how or why they endured such an unfair and dysfunctional relationship.

These individuals should keep in mind that their survival in the relationship demonstrates their psychological resilience and that the experience can provide important life lessons about the boundaries they should learn to maintain in relationships. Ultimately, partners should never blame themselves for meeting a narcissist because, in keeping with the narcissist’s calculating nature, they excel at presenting a false self at the beginning of any relationship.