Narcissists rarely act alone in their manipulation. They often have a network of enablers—people who, knowingly or unknowingly, support their toxic behavior and make it difficult for their targets to break free. Here are six common phrases enablers might say, and what they really mean.
1. “But they’re going through so much right now.”
Enablers often try to justify a narcissist’s actions by pointing to personal challenges. This phrase is meant to elicit sympathy for the narcissist and shift focus away from the impact of their actions. While people indeed face hard times, personal struggles are never an excuse for treating others poorly. This phrase might make you question your feelings, subtly suggesting that you’re not compassionate enough.
2. “You’re overreacting.”
This phrase dismisses your perspective and encourages you to doubt your perception. Enablers often say this to minimize the narcissist’s behavior and make you feel as though you’re exaggerating the harm caused. By doing this, they divert attention from the narcissist’s actions and undermine your confidence in your own judgment.
3. “They didn’t mean it that way.”
Intent doesn’t negate the impact of actions, but enablers use this phrase to gloss over hurtful behavior. By focusing on intention, they attempt to invalidate your emotional response and protect the narcissist. This tactic often leaves you feeling isolated in your experiences and silences your voice.
4. “Nobody’s perfect.”
While it’s true that everyone has flaws, enablers use this as a blanket excuse for repeated, harmful behavior. When someone says this, they’re implying that your expectations are unreasonable and that you should accept the narcissist’s actions without protest. It’s another way to keep you in the cycle of accepting behavior that undermines your well-being.
5. “You just need to try harder.”
Enablers might make you feel like it’s your responsibility to make the relationship work, encouraging you to take on the emotional labor of keeping the peace. This phrase places the blame on you, suggesting that if you only tried harder, things would improve. But no amount of effort on your part can change someone else’s toxic behavior.
Related : How Can I Find Peace After Leaving a Narcissist?
6. “They’re really a good person once you get to know them.”
This phrase encourages you to overlook consistent patterns of hurtful behavior. Enablers use it to cast the narcissist as misunderstood or complex, putting the onus on you to see the “real” person beneath their harmful actions. This notion keeps you invested in the relationship, hoping that one day you’ll see this hidden good side.
Why Enablers Say These Things
Enablers may use these phrases out of a desire to keep the peace, avoid confrontation, or because they are also caught in the narcissist’s manipulation. Some might be unaware of the harm they’re causing, while others may be consciously complicit. Regardless, recognizing these phrases and understanding their purpose can empower you to set boundaries and protect yourself from further harm.
How to Respond
When you encounter these phrases, consider the following approaches:
Set Boundaries: You don’t owe an explanation for how you feel. If someone minimizes your experiences, calmly assert your boundaries and disengage.
Affirm Your Reality: Remind yourself that your feelings and experiences are valid, even if others dismiss them.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who validate your experiences and offer genuine support.
Awareness is key to breaking free from the cycle of enabling behavior and manipulation. When you can recognize these phrases for what they are, you’re better equipped to maintain clarity and protect your peace.
