I come from a long line of complainers—the kind of people who take life as a hobby.
So I know firsthand how draining negative energy can be.
Unfortunately, sometimes we have no choice but to deal with certain people.
The complainers can be our colleagues, our bosses, our spouses, or in my case, our family members.
Over the years, I’ve developed some effective techniques for dealing with complainers.
Once you learn how to deal with them with understanding, empathy, and diplomacy, you can make their presence more tolerable.
Let’s get started!
1) Actively listen
Sometimes, complainers want to be heard.
They may feel ignored by society, which only adds to their bitter energy.
Since they feel like no one is listening to them anyway, they often don’t hold back on their sarcasm.
So next time, give them your full attention and treat them like the people they deserve.
This will help them feel valued and accepted rather than ignored.
They are more likely to ignore and be moved by your empathy and ability to listen.
Expect their behavior to reflect that eventually.
Let’s discuss empathy a little more…
2) Show Empathy
Believe it or not, behind the pessimistic energy, there is often some truth to what the complainer says.
The complainer tends to be a bit rough.
So instead of ignoring and creating more hostility, show empathy by validating their perspective and emotions through thoughtful responses and gestures.
Some of my favorite phrases in these situations include: “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” “I can see how that could be upsetting,” or “I would act the same way.”
3) Set Boundaries
Once the complainer finds someone willing to put up with them, they tend to push boundaries.
They often end up using that person as a scapegoat, a perpetual scapegoat for their dissatisfaction.
The truth is, giving them an outlet is an act of kindness in and of itself; don’t let them exploit it any further.
You’re better than that.
If this sounds familiar, realize that it’s time to set boundaries.
Sure, you can be accepting of them from time to time when they need to vent.
But when their complaints start to impact you and add unnecessary stress to your day negatively, it’s time to tell them so.
Use constructive phrases like, “While I’m here to listen, let’s not dwell on the past, let’s focus on finding solutions instead.”
This brings me to my next point…
4) Encourage problem-solving
Belling on the past is always the default setting for a complainer.
But you and I both know that we can’t change the past—it’s just basic physics.
Therefore, brooding until you forget will do you no good. It’s an incredibly unhealthy and unproductive practice.
Think about it: If you’re a chronic complainer, you may get caught up in what could have happened, losing the energy and motivation to find solutions.
So when dealing with a complainer, change the tone of the conversation to be more solution-oriented and proactive, offering support and assistance when needed.
The pandemic was a tough time for me.
I had accumulated massive debt at my once-thriving company.
As CEO, my creditors came at me aggressively.
My days I consisted of receiving threatening calls or letters, getting stressed, and then complaining to anyone who would listen — usually my parents.
What started as an understandable venting turned into a toxic cycle of self-pity and endless anger.
Fortunately for my parents, they were sympathetic listeners. But looking back, the intensity of my complaints became exaggerated… and overly repetitive.
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They quickly grew tired of my nonsense.
They convinced me to think about solutions; instead of going around in circles and beating myself up over my past mistakes.
Instead of just comforting me, they began actively helping me brainstorm unconventional, systematic ways to solve my problems.
In short, after three difficult but educational years, I was mostly debt-free, with far fewer complaints per week.
5) Suggest positive thinking
Sometimes, we get so entrenched in our habits that we don’t realize how damaging they have become.
Excessive complaining, for example, is a bad habit.
In most cases, the complainer simply needs an objective party to correct him or her.
So, if someone is complaining in your life, perhaps you should push them to see things in a more optimistic light.
To see the bigger picture.
To stay aware of the good things in their life rather than focusing on the bad.
Over time, this mindset will help them feel less overwhelmed, with a renewed perspective.
Going back to my pandemic-induced woes, it’s safe to say that I lacked clarity at the time.
I was so mentally entangled in the issues that I took for granted many of the positives that remained in my life.
I neglected my relationships with loved ones; I neglected the fact that my situation, while not ideal, was also not the end of the world—there were countless people around me dealing with far worse issues like hunger, extreme poverty, death, and disease.
If I had considered how insignificant my problems were in the grand scheme of things, I’m sure I could have dealt with them more effectively.
Live and learn.
6) Avoid sharing
Remember, misery loves company.
By engaging in complaining, you’re enabling their bad behavior.
So if they tempt you to complain with them, don’t fall into the trap.
Consciously steer the conversation in a more productive direction.
Perhaps you can share relevant life experiences.
Or you can simply change the subject, however superficial—ask them for their interpretation of the latest episode of American Horror Story, or their thoughts on the new NBA season, if that’s your thing.
This can act as a reset button, breaking the cycle of cynicism while subtly communicating your boundaries.
Final Words
Life is short. You don’t want to spend your days dealing with the negative, pessimistic people in the world.
Being a decent friend or relative is a whole different thing than being just a regular person, and that’s not something you should put up with.
That said, try the above methods first.
Who knows, maybe the person in question doesn’t realize how much their behavior affects others.
If that doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship, I mean reevaluate it.
