There’s no class in high school on how to avoid being a bad boyfriend. Sure, we’re taught the biology of sex, the legal ins and outs of marriage, and maybe we read some obscure 19th-century love story about how to avoid being a bad boyfriend.

Without clear adult ideas, what we’re left with is trial and error, and if you’re like most people, mostly error.

Enter a series of toxic relationships as we navigate the already complicated world of dating.

One problem is that many of the habits of toxic relationships are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love—you know, the kind that’s so irrational and that somehow finds smashing china plates against the wall in a fit of crying somewhat endearing. We scoff at practicality or unconventional sexuality.

Men and women are encouraged to objectify each other and objectify their romantic relationships. As a result, our partners are often viewed as accomplishments or trophies rather than someone to share emotional support with.

Much of the self-help literature isn’t helpful either. For most of us, Mom and dad certainly weren’t the best role models.

What is a toxic relationship?

Many of us enter the world of dating without even knowing that many of our beliefs about relationships are toxic, to begin with. So, let’s first clarify what a toxic relationship is:

A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love over the three core components of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, and affection.

This may sound crazy to some people, but love shouldn’t be a reason to stay in a relationship, because it can cloud our judgment in these other important areas.

If you prioritize the love you get from a relationship over the respect you give, you’ll tolerate being treated like a rug. If you prioritize love over trust in a relationship, you’ll tolerate lying and cheating. If you prioritize love over affection in a relationship, you’ll tolerate a cold, distant presence in a relationship.

We tolerate bad relationships for all sorts of reasons—maybe we have low self-esteem, maybe we don’t realize what’s going on, maybe we’re not in good control of our emotions, etc. But all of this only leads to a shallow, psychologically unhealthy, and possibly abusive relationship.

6 Signs of a Toxic Relationship That You Think Are Normal

Toxic relationships can take many forms, but I’ve found several signs of bad relationships that many people ignore or, worse, think are signs of a healthy relationship.

Here are six of the most common relationship trends that many couples think are healthy and normal but are toxic behaviors that are damaging to what you hold dear.

1. Relationship Scorecard

What is it?: The phenomenon of “point-scoring” is when someone you’re dating keeps blaming you for past mistakes. If both people in the relationship do this, it turns into what I call a “relationship scorecard,” where the relationship turns into a battle to see who has done more wrong over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other the most.

Related : http://linside.store/echoism-the-other-side-of-narcissism/

You were a bad person at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party in 2010, and it’s ruined your life ever since. Why? Because not a week goes by that you don’t remember it. But that’s okay, because that time you caught your partner sending flirty texts to a coworker means you can blame her for her alleged infidelity, so it’s kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why it’s toxic: The relationship scorecard is a double whammy of disgust. Not only are you deflecting the current problem by focusing on past mistakes, but you’re also stirring up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling bad in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners will eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less guilty than the other, rather than solving the cause of the current problem. People spend all their time trying to be less wrong to each other instead of more right to each other.

What to do instead: Deal with problems individually unless they’re legitimately related. If someone is cheating on you regularly, this is a recurring issue. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and is now sad and ignoring you today has nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

It’s important to understand that by choosing to be with your partner, you’re choosing to be with all of their past actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept them, you’re ultimately not accepting your partner. If something bothered you a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.

2. Dropping “hints” and other passive-aggressiveness

What it is: Instead of saying something out loud and directly, your partner is trying to nudge the other in the right direction to figure it out. Instead of saying what’s bothering you, you find small, petty ways to upset your partner, so you feel good about complaining to them.

Why it’s toxic: Because it shows that you’re both uncomfortable communicating openly and clearly. There’s no reason for someone to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing anger or insecurity in the relationship. A person will never feel the need to drop “hints” if they feel they won’t be judged or criticized for being honest.

What to do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. Make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to these feelings, but that you want their support. If they love you, they will almost always be able to provide that support.

3. Holding the Relationship Hostage

What is it?: When one party has a minor criticism or complaint and blackmails the other party by threatening the commitment to the relationship as a whole. For example, if someone feels that you have been cold toward them, instead of saying “I feel like you are cold sometimes,” they will say “I can’t date someone cold to me all the time.”

Why It’s Toxic: Holding a relationship hostage amounts to emotional blackmail and creates a lot of unnecessary drama. Even the smallest disruption to the flow of a relationship can lead to a perceived commitment crisis. Both parties in a relationship must know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely without jeopardizing the future of the entire relationship. Without this freedom to be honest, couples will suppress their true thoughts and feelings, creating an environment of mistrust and manipulation.

What to do instead: It’s okay to be annoyed with your partner or not like something about them—that’s called being human. But understand that being committed to someone and liking them all the time are not the same thing. You can be committed to someone and not love everything about them. You can be loyal to someone forever but still get annoyed or angry with them from time to time. Conversely, couples who can communicate feedback and criticism without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to each other in the long run.

4. Blaming Your Partner for Your Feelings

What is it?: Let’s say you’re having a bad day and your partner isn’t exactly being sympathetic or supportive—maybe they’ve been on the phone with some people from work all day, or they’ve been distracted when you hugged them. You want to hang out at home and watch a movie tonight, but your partner has plans to go out and see friends.

Related : Narcissism: Where It Comes From and How to Deal With It

As you become increasingly frustrated with your day—and your partner’s reaction to it—you find yourself lashing out at them for being insensitive and callous toward you. Sure, you never asked for emotional support, but your partner should instinctively know that they should make you feel better. They should have ended the phone call and dropped their plans based on your poor emotional state.

Why it’s toxic: Blaming our partners for our feelings is selfish and a classic example of poor boundary maintenance. When you set the precedent that your partner is responsible for your feelings at all times (and vice versa), it can easily lead to a codependent relationship. Everything—even reading a book or watching TV—needs to be negotiated. When someone starts getting upset, all personal desires go out the window because now you have to make each other feel better.

The biggest problem with codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me now and then because she’s had a bad day and feels down and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if my life becomes expected to revolve around her emotional well-being at all times, I’ll soon become extremely bitter and even manipulative of her feelings and desires.

What to do instead: Take responsibility for your feelings and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs in return. There’s a subtle but important difference between supporting your partner and being committed to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made by choice, not because it’s expected. Once both people in a relationship are responsible for the other’s moods and fluctuations, it gives them an incentive to hide their true feelings and manipulate each other.