The most toxic relationship with a loved one is the most difficult to deal with. Take a look at the signs of a toxic relationship below.
When our intimacy button differs from our partner’s, we are bound to get into the “perfect storm” that prevents both parties from getting what they want. It’s like starting a weight loss program that involves eating big portions of food and big french fries five times a day. Good luck with that…
In one of the most psychologically acknowledged toxic relationships, one partner craves intimacy while the other becomes uncomfortable when things get close.
I used to be the attachment anxiety type. Or, as society calls me – needy. As a result, I tended to be attracted to Avoidants because of my intense expression of emotional intimacy that complements their suppression of emotional intimacy.
Intimacy buttons
Studies of intimacy buttons reveal that when our need for intimacy is met and exchanged by our partner, our happiness increases. On the other side of the intimacy coin, incompatible intimacy reduces our happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.
Intimacy button
Signs you are in a toxic relationship
Our love buttons are unconscious biological and emotional baggage filled with our past experiences. These past experiences form our emotional blueprint for how relationships are “supposed to work” and how we think we should act within those relationships.
Related: Why You’re Only As Troubled As The Relationship You’re In
In my relationship before my health accident, I had never felt an amazing euphoria when my avoidant partner finally approached me. But then I felt more unwanted than trash when I pulled out.
I have never felt pity and insecurity in my life.
I miss her love. She would give me a kiss, only to turn and buckle the other way, by scolding me, calling me crazy, or ignoring me completely. Our unconscious desires for closeness and intimacy in a relationship not only affect our intimate relationship, but also all of our conversations.
Psychology calls this the anxiety and avoidance trap, or as I like to call it, lost in the sea of love. I felt so lonely, stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean
I want you to meet Anxious Alex and Avoidant Alli.
Anxious Alex met Avoidant Alli using OkCupid, a popular dating site. After the first few dates, they were happy with each other. Puppy love took over, and they adored each other.
As the months went by, Anxious Alex wanted to spend more and more time with Avoidant Alli. He would come in after work and drop everything off just to spend time with her. Like most anxious people, Alex was a chameleon’s boyfriend.
Since Avoidant Alli is a vegetarian, Alex has jumped on the bandwagon too, even though he loves meat. The real motive, which Alex doesn’t know, is that his low self-esteem and intimacy made him accept new identities that his girlfriends already had.
He does this in part because he sees himself as low value and not worthy of love, and finds his lifestyle/value more convincing than his, but another reason is his fear of being unloved. As a result, he adopts this new value system as an emotional strategy to increase the intimacy between his partner and him. His real motive is fear, not love.
While anxious Alex finds ways to get closer emotionally, Avoidant Alli likes attention at first. In the end, Alex and Alli became very close.
I can tell you that feels great. It’s a natural high without the drugs. But over time, this closeness begins to feel suffocating towards the Avoidant Alli.
Intimacy -2
I began to yearn for space and distance. As a result, she deactivates her intimacy button by withdrawing and behaving in ways that put distance between them.
Alex’s concern realizes this. He sees this distance as a threat to the relationship and activates the Intimacy button in response.
Intimacy 4
He wants to keep the intimacy high. Alex’s anxious mind becomes a target missile with Avoidant Alli as the target. Because of his response, Anxious Alex’s anxiety causes panic and insecurity – as if the world is ending. This is all an illusion, of course, but Alex’s biological and emotional baggage creates feelings so strong that logic does not exist.
This outpouring of emotions motivates Alex to act in ways that cause Ally and H to return to that incredible intimacy.
So Alex started messaging her more frequently. It even appears in its place unexpectedly. Alex’s desperate need to resolve this emotional conflict causes him to use crazy bat behavior.
4 text messages in an hour. Alex is concerned that his relationship with Avoidant Alli is fragile, so he begins to act in ways to constantly prove to himself that she still loves him.
Unfortunately, the emotional frustration caused by Alex’s crazy behavior and Avoidant Alli’s desperate need for space cause Alli to react in hostile ways.
Intimacy 6
Alex might be ashamed of him acting crazy. She might tell him that she won’t talk, text, or see him for 3-4 days. This eats anxiety “Alex” alive. All he needed was for the Avoidant Alli to get close to him, but the more severe the withdrawal, the more anxious thoughts Alex had about making up for his “own” mistake.
This struggle causes Alex’s intimate button to pick up speed and focus on all the amazing aspects of the relationship – oh, the memories! Overwhelmed with regret over the recent disagreement in the relationship. So he is trying to work things out.
Intimacy – 7
Meanwhile, the deactivated Avoidant Alli button causes you to focus on all the bad things in the relationship. His crazy behavior. The amount of time spent with her. Constant texting.
Given Alex’s narrow perception of rekindling the relationship, Alex is willing to compromise on his needs to keep the partnership working. Since Alli is considering ending the intimate relationship, she wants compensation for getting back to her.
Alex still fails to address the initial conflict – his need for intimacy – and finds himself in a worse situation than he was before the fight.
He’s working hard to get back into the unsatisfactory status quo of the relationship and trying to compromise more of his needs in hopes of making things work. Losing in the sea of love washes away any hope for a better life.
Over the years, Alex and Allie have continued this vicious cycle until the inevitable, Allie has had enough and dumped him.
With each clash of intimacy methods, the anxious person loses more ground. It is frustrating and unsatisfactory. This toxic relationship has no checks and balances. Anxious Alex feels the need to repair the relationship and compromises on the avoidant’s desires. These types of toxic relationships seem very one-sided from an anxious person’s perspective.
Related: Relationship Stages With A Narcissist or Borderline And Triangulation
The problem is that the anxious person seeks closeness to their partner when something appears to be a threat, such as a relationship quarrel or jealousy, while the avoidant person seeks separation and seeks distance. It is difficult to coordinate differences in intimacy.
That’s why I suggest finding someone safe to date. Quite a few people assume that since Anxious Alex and Avoidant Ally love each other, they will find a way to work things out. As in the case of Alex and Alli, it is often impossible to meet each other’s needs. In a typical trap, the anxious partner surrenders and accepts the rules imposed by the avoider.
Let’s say Anxious Alex and Avoidant Alli end up getting married, despite their precarious relationship. Things can go wrong because differences in intimacy affect more than just the relationship. It’s more than one person who wants to cuddle and another needs space.
It is reflected in opposing desires, assumptions, and attitudes. This could range from how you sleep with someone in your bed to how you raise children. Each new life change (earning money, illness, having children, or getting married) will bring out the differences and widen the gap between partners even more.
This conflict is never resolved because the solution creates a lot of intimacy. While the anxious person will seek to solve relationship problems, the avoidant will unconsciously want to avoid them. This may cause the avoider to become more hostile or distant. Since the basic problem is never addressed, the problem is expanding like a space balloon and causing a lot of unhappiness.
When I was in this toxic relationship, love was completely blinded. I couldn’t see how bad it was. That is why I wanted to take some time to give you some signs of getting lost in the sea of love; I want you to have a great relationship, and intimacy is the foundation for that.
6 Telltale Signs You’re In The Most Toxic Relationship
- Syndrome can not be left.
You have this nightmarish feeling that the relationship is not right for you, but every time you think about leaving, the toxic emotional connection with the other person prevents you from doing so.
Related: 15 Signs You Might Be A Victim of Gaslighting
- The roller coaster effect.
The relationship is never calm. Sometimes Avoidant becomes available to the anxious partner, allowing the anxious partner’s intimacy button to relax and feel at ease. This allows both partners to get closer.
As a result of approaching, the avoider becomes uncomfortable, withdraws, and anxious and is forced to drink a mixture of negative emotions that leads to crazy behavior.
Avoidant withdrawal lowered the anxious person’s self-esteem and increased their insecurity. Even if things are resolved, both partners will be unhappy with the relationship.
- Emotional seesaw.
Avoiders often overestimate their self-esteem and sense of independence in terms of how unable their partner is to be alone. This is why avoiders don’t usually date each other – they never feel strong and independent about someone who shares the same intimacy button as they do. - Unstable steadily.
Although the relationship may go through its ups and downs, the feeling of uncertainty always persists. Since neither partner finds a degree of intimacy comfortable, a sense of chronic dissatisfaction will linger in the relationship.
- Meaningless fights.
These types of relationships generate fights over things that should not be fought at all. Usually, these little fights are not about simple problems, but about the amount of intimacy between the two partners.
Related topics: 7 Common Manipulative Phrases and How To Shut Them Down
- Your partner is the enemy.
The anxious partner will feel as though they are being treated worse and worse – because they are – once they become close to the avoidant person.
The solution for lovers of the anxious attachment type:
If you are an anxious lover, I encourage you to 1) build your self-esteem by expanding your identity and social circle and then 2) find a secure partner. If you want to stay with your avoidant partner, you need to work on expressing yourself and setting boundaries. Check out the Six Commandments of Poor Communication and 4 powerful exercises that make a toxic relationship healthy. It will help you.
If you’re a fan of avoidance and feel overwhelmed by intimacy, I encourage you to freak out. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and work with your unbridled intimate desires. You can change your type of attachment to a safer one by dating someone safe which will not only improve your intimate relationships but also your life. A secure person gives you the space you crave. If you don’t want to make a safe date, I advise you to be patient with your anxious partner and let them know that it’s not him causing the need for the space, it’s you. They may not believe it, so it may take effort, but it will help you get the space you need.
