Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and cannot diagnose mental health disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder. This list is not exhaustive and should not be used to diagnose or treat anyone. This is just a guide using common symptoms experienced by people with BPD.

Dealing with a narcissist is very stressful. They use techniques that make you feel small, useless, and unappreciated. Then, when you try to escape, they highlight “love” to make you think they are being honest about how they feel about you, which brings you back.

Since most narcissists cannot admit they are such, it is difficult to professionally diagnose them. All you can do is try to protect yourself from the harm they can do.

6 Signs of a Narcissist That Are Easy to Miss

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1. Shifting blame
   This is pretty much what it sounds like. Nothing is the narcissist’s fault. never. They are above reproach, and if they make a mistake, it is because someone else made the mistake first.

For example, Nathan the narcissist confronted Jackie the victim. He has refused to get a job for months and they are slowly but surely falling behind on the bills. Nathan, the narcissist, refuses to accept responsibility. “It’s not my fault no one is hiring!” He’ll say, even though he hasn’t applied in weeks.

Another example is if there is an argument between Nathan and Jackie. Jackie might say, “What you said to me was really hurtful.” Nathan will respond, “I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t provoked me.”

2. Projection
   Projection is a form of blame shifting and is a way narcissists use to distract attention from their own flaws and insecurities and shift the focus to someone else’s perceived flaw. Narcissists often use this psychological trait when they feel threatened by someone in some way.

I’ve dealt with this personally. I learned that the narcissist in my life was telling others that I was a narcissist. They did this in an attempt to distract from their narcissistic ways and put me in a negative light with their victims. The reason was that I was a threat to them because I could see through them.

This person was terrified that I would show his victims the light and do everything in his power to flip the script, so to speak. What they never realize is that I’m not them; I had no intention of turning anyone against them. They were doing a great job at it on their own.

3. Create scenarios in which you look bad
   Here’s an example: The narcissistic Susie doesn’t get her way. She resents her husband, John, the victim, and wants to punish him. Then she will deliberately tell their children that John promised to do something for them that she is fully aware that he can’t do, so that when he says “I’m sorry, I can’t do it,” she can tell her children that John the victim doesn’t care about them and is a liar who goes back on his word.

This is a great way to keep victims in their place. If the narcissistic Susie feels she is losing John the victim, she should keep her children (the other victims) in check and make sure they see John the victim in a negative light so he cannot turn them against her. It’s a twisted and unhealthy survival mechanism on Susie’s part, but it works in many cases.

4. Gas lighting
   Gaslighting is a type of manipulation in which the narcissist attempts to make the victim question his or her sanity. For example, Monica the narcissist and Henry the victim fought. Monica says some pretty awful things to Henry during the argument. Later, when things calmed down, Henry confronted her and told her how her words affected him. You respond by saying something like: “You misunderstood me; I never said that.”

Over time, after hearing this over and over again, Henry will begin to wonder whether or not he is losing his mind. Because he knew she said and did those things, but she was so convincing when she said she didn’t do it, that he didn’t know anymore. These doubts make him more dependent on her, giving her more of the power and control she craves.

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5. Using your buttons/triggers against you
   Narcissists are very good at reading people, and they choose their victims carefully. They need empathetic, emotionally intelligent people as victims because these people are more likely to deal with their emotions and want to “fix” them. Therefore, the narcissist selects his victim and then quickly learns their buttons and triggers (and installs his own if necessary) so that he can use them against him whenever necessary.

For example, if the narcissistic Lisa knows that the reason Bob the victim is sad is because of her sadness, she will use that against him whenever necessary. Let’s say Bob has had enough and is ready to leave her. You’ll lay down the grief thick, complete with fake tears, nervous breakdowns, and fake apologies. Narcissists are great actors and know when to put on a show.

6. Intermittent reinforcement
   Also known as “pouncing” or “love bombing,” intermittent reinforcement is a psychological trick used by narcissists to keep their victims coming back for more. It’s a form of conditioning used in many different areas, but when it comes to narcissists, it’s what keeps their victims in check.

How it works is basically this: The narcissist will treat his victim poorly for most of their relationship, but occasionally – and without habit or regularity – he will show his victims an abundance of affection and love. The victim will then wait for the next “love bombing” and endure the abuse because he or she has been trained to wait for it.

I’m not saying that every person with BPD is a terrible person; I know there are many who are trying to improve. I salute these people and wish them all the best.

However, dealing with a narcissist is one of the most soul-sucking, frustrating, life-altering experiences I’ve ever personally had, and I’m not even in a relationship with a narcissist. I can only imagine what romantic victims of narcissists go through on a daily basis.

If you are dealing with a narcissist, my best advice is to prepare yourself for battle when you try to get out. Narcissists – unless they are able to acknowledge their disorder and actively seek help for it – will not change and will only get worse. This means that you will continue to be miserable.

My suggestions are to look for communities of people who are having similar issues with narcissists and learn from them. There are many subreddits revolving around narcissistic abuse and they all have many experienced people offering great advice.

If you are in a new relationship and see any of the above signs or symptoms, be careful and consider whether you want to continue with someone who is likely to abuse you and take advantage of your kindness and compassion.