It is no secret that the primary narcissistic trait is a lack of empathy and concern for others. However, people with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits (hereafter referred to as narcissists) sometimes act in a caring manner, or try to appear that way. In this article we will explore the common reasons behind this behavior.
- Flattery
Normal people with healthy levels of empathy are generally helpful and thoughtful people. They truly care and love helping others. Narcissists, on the other hand, do not have this drive because they severely lack empathy. However, by offering help and attention or appearing to be a narcissist, he can get others to thank him and encourage them for being a nice person. This is what motivates them: validation that they are great.
Whether they are actually helping others or how these people really feel has nothing to do with the narcissist. What matters is getting the narcissistic supply, and getting it sometimes involves behaving in a helpful, caring way. The problem is that because they don’t actually care about others or the real problem, their help and care are often not very good, and may even be harmful.
- Fame
Being a good person, or rather appearing to be one in public, can generate fame and enhance a narcissist’s public image. Because narcissists are so concerned with social status and influence, they use acts of generosity to appear noble and kind.
Examples of this include narcissists who give away their money, goods, or time. For the average person to receive public recognition for his or her good deeds is secondary, but for the narcissist this is the main goal. Participating in a public photo shoot or publishing an article or ad regarding their generous work that goes viral is what they actually care about.
- Communications
Another reason narcissists may try to be helpful and generous is to build their social influence and number of social connections. Remember, narcissists view others as objects, not as people, so everyone in their social sphere is viewed as something to be used.
By giving something to others, they get opportunities to form new social connections and, to some extent, meet more new people, which means more potential sources of narcissistic supply and other resources.
- Feeling superior
Narcissists may appear confident, but their actual sense of value and self-esteem is false. It is the only condition: I feel good about myself if I feel superior to others, if others like me, if others agree with me. And so on and so on. One common way narcissists manage their shaky sense of self-esteem is by comparing themselves to others and convincing themselves that they are better. Therefore, by being giving and helpful or showing up, they can feel superior to others. - Keeping others in debt
Narcissists sometimes help others and provide favors because it gives them power over those they help. If someone helps you, you feel grateful and want to help them in the future. This is normal and a good thing.
However, the one thing you don’t want in your life is to feel indebted to a narcissist because they will abuse this power dynamic, without exception. They will hold you back either by using it as leverage or by demanding more than their initial interest is worth. They will forever remind you how much they helped you when you needed it, etc. This triggers feelings of guilt in their target.
For example, a narcissistic parent will use this dynamic with their children, even regarding things that are normal and expected for a parent to provide.
- Professional authority over others
Narcissists seek positions where they can control people in need. That’s why you can find a lot of them in fields like teaching, self-help, religion, politics, law, mental health, medical care, etc. They prey on people in need. They abuse and perpetuate systemic and institutional issues to do this as well.
By being in a position of authority, whether legitimately or not, they can be seen as moral, noble, caring, benevolent, competent, and feel better than others. But it doesn’t matter to them that they hurt others, because others are ultimately just objects to serve their needs.
