Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining. At times, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the trials and tribulations you face while interacting with them.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, you may feel confused, betrayed, and deeply hurt by their behavior.

It’s natural to want to understand this behavior. After all, you deserve an explanation for why you’re being hurt so badly!

Here’s Why Narcissists Hurt You

When narcissists hurt others, it’s usually because of the underlying traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We’ll delve into these traits below.

1 Fragile and Insecure Ego

To the outside world, narcissists appear confident. Beneath their outer facade lies a fragile self-esteem that they will protect at all costs.

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When narcissists hurt you with their typical behaviors, such as manipulation, lying, and exploitation, they are simply trying to protect themselves from threats to their ego.

By taking advantage of and hurting others with exploitative behaviors, narcissists can maintain their outward facade of superiority.

2 Fears of Abandonment

Narcissists will probably never admit it, but deep down, they are terrified that you will leave them.

Because narcissists have underlying feelings of inadequacy, they fear that they are not good enough for you, no matter how superior they try to present themselves.

Remember, outward appearances of grandeur are simply a cover for fragile self-esteem. Internally, narcissists are insecure about themselves, often stemming from childhood experiences of emotional deprivation or trauma.

To keep you from leaving them, narcissists use abusive and controlling tactics that ultimately leave you emotionally wounded.

They may belittle you to make themselves feel superior, and to convince you that you will never find a better partner.

They also use controlling and manipulative behaviors to maintain all the power in the relationship. Control reinforces their belief that they are superior to you, allowing them to avoid feeling inferior.

3 Lack of Empathy

A lack of empathy is one of the core traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists come across as cold and callous because of their inability to recognize your emotions.

In healthy relationships, each partner empathizes with the other. However, with a narcissist, empathy is completely absent. This means that they will show little remorse when they hurt you and will feel no obligation to offer a genuine apology.

This adds insult to injury. Not only are you hurt by the narcissist’s behavior, but you also don’t receive an apology to help you move forward.

Over time, the narcissist’s lack of remorse exacerbates your emotional wounds.

4 Toxic Cycles

Narcissists are known to oscillate between idealization and devaluation in their relationships. This creates an emotional rollercoaster for anyone who has close contact with a narcissist.

During the idealization phase, the narcissist views their partner as perfect. They shower their partner with love and attention, exhibiting behavioral signs commonly called love bombing.

Viewing their partner as special reinforces the narcissist’s belief that they are unique and superior and should only associate with other special people. However, as soon as the partner shows any signs of deficiency, the narcissist devalues ​​them.

This can be as simple as the significant other inadvertently hurting the narcissist’s feelings or letting them down in some way.

When the narcissist realizes that their partner is human and not perfect, they become extremely critical, demeaning, and even emotionally abusive.

Narcissists do this because any suggestion that their partner is imperfect challenges the narcissist’s belief that they are unique and superior.

Realizing that they are in a relationship with an imperfect person triggers the narcissist’s hidden feelings of inadequacy.

Once the narcissist stops being emotional, they may go back to idealizing their partner, which sets the cycle back in motion. This creates a confusing pattern of highs and lows, leaving the partner emotionally damaged.

5 Projection and Blame Shifting

To protect themselves from feeling weak, inadequate, or vulnerable, narcissists must avoid admitting any of their own flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

Admitting flaws would challenge the defense mechanisms narcissists have put in place to protect their fragile ego, and would thus cause emotional breakdown.

Instead of taking responsibility for their mistakes or shortcomings, narcissists employ a number of harmful avoidance tactics.

Related : The Best and Worst Things to Say When You’re Breaking Up With a Narcissist

Projection is perhaps the most common avoidance tactic they use, and it involves attributing their insecurities to others. For example, a narcissist who sees himself as lazy might accuse others of being lazy.

Narcissists may also project their own bad behavior onto others. If they are cheating, for example, they may constantly accuse their partner of cheating, even when there is no evidence to justify the accusation.

Finally, narcissists may use other-blaming, where they refuse to take responsibility for their misbehavior and instead blame others.

They may tell their partner that they caused the narcissist to act in an abusive way, or that they pushed them to become emotionally abusive.

These behaviors are confusing, unhelpful, and extremely hurtful to the person on the receiving end.

6 Willingness to Exploit Others

If you feel like you’ve been taken advantage of by a narcissist, you’re not alone. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder tend to view relationships as transactional.

They believe that if they enter into a relationship with you, and they honor you with their presence, then you should provide some kind of benefit to them.

This means that narcissists seek to get whatever they can from people, and don’t expect much in return. Narcissists are willing to exploit you for their own gain, and they won’t feel any remorse for doing so.

A narcissist may use you for your professional expertise or high status within society, only to disappear when they no longer need you.

Or they may take advantage of you without even saying “thank you” for your help.

For the average person, this behavior is extremely painful. You’ll feel like you were taken advantage of, and that your feelings didn’t matter.

Dealing with the Pain of Narcissistic Behavior

Hopefully, understanding the reasons behind narcissistic behavior will make you feel more validated.

You may blame yourself for everything the narcissist has done to hurt you, convinced that if you were better or more loving in some way, the abusive behavior would never have happened.

Remind yourself that you’re not to blame. A narcissist is someone with deep wounds, and their entire ego is based on manipulating, exploiting, and controlling others. They do this to protect themselves, and no one they interact with is immune to it.

Now that you realize that much of a narcissist’s abusive behavior is an attempt to defend themselves against feelings of insecurity, you can begin to heal.

Stop taking the blame for their behavior, and acknowledge your right to reclaim your sense of self-worth and independence.