Key Points
The recovering narcissist needs to be aware of where the self ends and the other begins.
Engaging the “observing self” can help the person stay authentic when narcissistic tendencies flare up.
Once the narcissist develops self-awareness, he or she can avoid repeating past mistakes and create healthier relationships.
The causes of pathological narcissism are complex and deep-rooted. Many narcissists ignore their negative and often self-destructive behavior patterns, which usually leads them to experience life lessons the hard way. The negative consequences of chronic narcissism may include some of the following:
Loneliness and isolation. Lack of healthy, close, and lasting relationships.
Family separation.
Divorce.
Relationships are broken up because others have let them down, disappointed, lied to, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, deceived, humiliated, unworthy, or ignored them.
Missed opportunities due to lack of true substance anandonnection.
Financial, professional, or legal problems resulting from rule-breaking, gross irresponsibility, indulgence, or other irresponsible behavior.
It damaged personal and/or professional reputation.
However, for narcissists who have a degree of self-awareness, there are ways to free themselves from the illusion of inauthenticity, begin the process of inner healing, and gradually move toward manifesting their true higher self.
For this post, the elements of higher self-awareness include self-acceptance, intrinsic success, and the ability to feel and engage in truly healthy, loving, and lasting relationships.
Below are six keys for narcissists to gradually move toward their higher self, excerpts from my books, including How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists. This information is general and provided for informational purposes only. One should consult a qualified mental health professional for individualized guidance and support. To convey directness, the following passages are written as if they were directly addressed to a narcissist, even if the current reader is not a narcissist.
- Be aware of boundaries and practice consideration
Benefits: Reduced work and personal repercussions from boundary violations. Normalized and improved relationships.
Perhaps the most important idea for a recovering narcissist to keep in mind is to be aware of where the self ends and another person begins. Practice greater consideration for the existence, thoughts, and feelings of others. Practical tips on how to do this include:
Address people by name, whether in speech or writing.
Listen at least as much as you talk.
- Express genuine interest and curiosity about the people in your life. Ask appropriate questions to learn more about what is new and important to them.
Be careful not to intrude thoughtlessly on other people’s personal space, use their personal belongings, or take their time without permission. When making requests, ask rather than commanding or assuming you know best. Awareness and vigilance are essential here, as narcissists are often good at manipulatively asking to get what they want. Don’t ask leading questions, but open-ended ones. Give the other person space to exercise free choice. Respect the choice, even if it’s not what you want every time.
- Develop and Deliver Substance
Benefits: Reduce stress, anxiety, and moral conflict (“inner grumbling”) that can come with having to pretend, lie, cheat, manipulate, exaggerate, belittle, abuse, cut corners, or break promises, knowing deep down that you are not who you portray yourself to be. Increase the likelihood of having authentic, more lasting personal and professional relationships. Enhance your reputation as a strong, reliable, and dependable person. Build the trust from which many long-term personal and professional relationships, opportunities, and successes spring.
“In all things—substance! substance! substance!” is an excellent phrase for many recovering narcissists to repeat daily at decision points. Practical tips on how to achieve this include:
Do what you say you will do. Keep promises, agreements, and deadlines.
Conversely, avoid making any promises you cannot keep.
When you cannot follow through, be accountable and take responsibility. It is important to be proactive and identify what you will do to rectify the situation in the future. Build trust with your honor and integrity.
Focus on making a tangible difference in your work and relationships. Avoid actions and decisions that will leave others feeling wronged, cheated, taken advantage of, belittled, manipulated, or disappointed. A good way to gauge this is whether people are as happy after receiving what you’ve delivered as they were when you originally promised it and whether they like your essence enough to repeat the interaction.
- Use Your Observing Self to Increase Mindfulness
Benefits: Reduce friction, conflict, and misunderstandings. Increase positive and constructive social interactions.
Your Observing Self is a useful psychological resource that helps you increase awareness in many situations. It’s the part of your consciousness that practices mindfulness and helps you make smart, informed decisions. For example, if you’re speeding on the highway in heavy rain, you can either do so without paying attention, or you can “watch” your driving, making a mental note that you’re driving too fast in bad weather, and considering whether it’s safe to slow down. This conscious process is your Observing Self in action.
In your relationships with people, when you suspect that your narcissistic tendencies may be getting the better of you, seek help from your observing self by asking one or more of the following questions:
“What will what I say or do sound like?”
“How might someone feel when they receive my communications and behavior?”
“Can the other person feel taken advantage of, looked down upon, looked down upon, or ignored in their interactions with me?”
“Are my words and actions intended to show me how ‘great,’ ‘unique,’ ‘special,’ and ‘superior’ I am?”
Whenever we seek help from our self-monitoring self, we look at ourselves in the mirror in a healthy way, which can help us emerge as our most authentic human beings.
- Ask for Help and Support
Benefits: Increased awareness. Increased sense of belonging. Beginning to heal. Reduced struggles in isolation.
Being a pathological narcissist is often a lonely experience with few truly close relationships. It can be difficult to discuss inner struggles and insecurities with the people in your life. As your awareness expands and you evolve, seriously consider seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist to work with you along the way, as well as appropriate support groups facilitated by an experienced mental health professional. These courageous steps require self-honesty and courage, and there will be ups and downs, but they can be fulfilling and rewarding in the end. You are on a wonderful journey of self-discovery, and you certainly don’t have to do it alone.
- Allow for Self-Forgiveness
Benefits: Facilitates the process of Self-Acceptance and Healing.
As the narcissist becomes more aware of himself, there may be an accompanying feeling of remorse or regret for the harm he has done to himself or others in his life. One may think of himself as a “bad” person and wallow in guilt. During these moments, it is very important to be kind to yourself, knowing that you did what you did to cope and survive and that it was not easy to go through what you had to go through when you were dehumanized earlier in your life. Now that you are more aware, you have the opportunity to avoid repeating past mistakes and to create healthier relationships with yourself and others. Discuss your experience with your therapist to promote your growth and healing.
- Return to Humanity
Benefits: More authenticity. Real relationships. More lasting success.
The result of all the above work in self-discovery is that you may begin a steady process of returning to humanity as a more authentic person, with the ability to create healthier, more genuinely loving relationships. Your personal and professional accomplishments, based on essence, may bring greater and longer-lasting success. Most importantly, you may feel more comfortable in your skin, knowing that as you continue to learn and grow, you are gradually realizing your higher self.
