Why an intelligent person stays in an abusive relationship is a mystery to many, including you, the victim. You are labeled and blamed as needy, codependent, or an enabler.
When two people are under the influence of love, they are interconnected, interconnected and interdependent.
Everything each does serves the relationship. The two become one – a team that depends on and depends on each other. You have each other’s back. Your joy grows.
But with abuse, this tied relationship becomes self-serving and thus loses its integrity.
Here are six harsh reasons why smart people stay in toxic relationships:
- Your abuser cheated on you
Lies and deception make you feel confused and helpless, and even wonder if you are going crazy. Deception, the pinnacle of unscrupulous behavior, causes a cloud of ambivalence that freezes your ability to remain safe from abuse.
The combination of helplessness, betrayal, and contradiction overwhelms the brain. At these times, the brain may release oxytocin (the love hormone) to maintain connection and promote closeness. Instinctively, you respond by repairing the connection in order to regain the security you had in the relationship before.
In essence, your biology drives you to see your abuser through eyes of compassion and love.
Related: 8 Ways to Deal with a Malignant Narcissist – The Worst Kind of Narcissists
- They use destructive conditioning
The narcissist conditions you to be afraid to do the same things that once made your life fulfilling, because they now bring you frustration or anxiety. Over time, you will learn to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse and disrespect. Your ineffectiveness in being able to influence your partner makes you feel incompetent.
Conditioning silences you and withers your self-esteem.
- They assert dominance and control over you
Entitlement and exploitation are hallmarks of a malignant narcissist. The abuser’s goal is to keep you attached to him or her.
Control and domination begin in subtle ways. The most powerful weapon an abuser uses is to manipulate your emotions. The more control you have over your emotions, the less likely you are to trust your reality and your inner wisdom. The abuser parasitically drains your strength, sense of self, and dignity.
- They don’t respect you and mistreat you
Abuse is about a power imbalance. The abuser exploits your weaknesses and takes advantage of the strengths you bring to the relationship. Emotional abuse uses a combination of components: control, entitlement, excuses, justifications, and blaming the victim to diminish your power.
When you try to protect yourself, passive aggressive behaviors or anger are used to scare you and keep you in fear of losing the relationship. Your head spins with confusion and guilt for not doing enough for your narcissist.
Related: The Science Behind Why People Cheat
- They highlight you
Gaslighting is a form of thought control and brainwashing. The toxic person slowly convinces you to question your perception of reality and believe that the problem is not the abuse itself, but your reactions to the abuse.
The abuser uses gaslighting as entertainment to see you stressed, and it is a quick and effective solution to end conversations and redirect the focus to what the narcissist calls your problems, for example, nagging, controlling, or being overly emotional. You are mired in self-doubt and anxiety.
- They create destructive trauma bonds with you
Betrayal is a form of abandonment that can create painful bonds between the abuser and you, the victim.
In these exploitative relationships, your interests, personality, and well-being are constantly ignored and neglected. Betrayal includes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking trust, failing to defend or protect, and not being a priority.
These trauma bonds occur when a victim clings to someone who is destructive to him or her because there is a danger or something they fear (often, the loss of a relationship). Attachment is an addictive attachment to the person who is hurting you. In essence, the brain is tricked into believing that it needs the relationship to survive.
Because the relationship has positive attributes, you may blame yourself for the abuser’s negative behavior and perhaps try to turn him or her into being a non-abuser.
