Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing.
Being intimate, sharing everything, and trusting your partner completely creates inevitable challenges.
Especially in the early stages.
After all, you don’t know each other yet (which only adds to the confusion).
No matter how long you’ve been together, we’re all guilty of holding on to past grievances. Instead of talking about them, we let them simmer.
Under the surface, like a boiling pot of water.
This doesn’t end well.
Trust me!
So how can you tell if your partner is secretly harboring resentment?
See if you can spot any of these six signs (backed by psychology).
1) Ignoring
This is an absolute classic.
I’m sure you’ve been there before.
Not just with your partner, but with friends and family too.
Imagine the scene, where you see someone who isn’t quite themselves. You ask them if they’re okay.
And they say, “I’m fine.”
When they’re not okay at all!
If you’re not paying attention, it can be easy to miss this note. After all, they insist they’re fine, so what’s the problem?
This is an example of ignoring.
It can be extremely frustrating to be on the receiving end.
In more extreme cases, it can even turn into the silent treatment (when someone refuses to communicate with you at all).
There are a lot of psychological factors behind this.
Typically, the reason people shut down, withdraw from conversation, and be emotionally unavailable is to avoid conflict.
It’s a defense mechanism that’s triggered to avoid uncomfortable conversations or to prevent a fight from breaking out.
It could be a sign that they’re harboring resentment toward you and are afraid to bring it to the surface.
But keep this in mind, too.
Ignoring can be caused by past traumatic experiences (that have nothing to do with you).
For example, if your partner was abused as a child, they may feel uncomfortable reviving those memories and simply prefer not to talk about them. Your actions may remind them of those unpleasant experiences, leading them to shut down.
2) Negative Body Language
Unless you’re a body language expert, some of these subtle clues can be hard to spot.
But once you train your eyes, they can be very revealing!
According to psychologists, these gestures and micro-expressions are vital. 55% of all communication is nonverbal.
Body language is driven by the subconscious so it can show you exactly how someone is feeling.
There’s nowhere to hide!
I’m talking about avoiding eye contact, fidgeting or getting distracted easily, having bad posture, and constantly touching your face.
Folding your arms, crossing your legs, and not facing someone are also defensive signs that may indicate that your partner is harboring resentment.
Also, pay attention to facial expressions.
Frowning eyebrows or a wrinkled face.
3) Mood Swings (Out of the Blue)
One moment you’re enjoying a blockbuster Hollywood movie together.
The next moment you’re engaged in a screaming and shouting match.
Now, I’m not saying that this is all their fault.
It takes two to dance.
But if you notice their mood suddenly change after a small comment you made, you’ve probably stirred something inside them.
Something they can’t forget.
Psychologists agree that mood swings can happen for a variety of reasons. Some are more serious than others.
But one explanation is that they’re harboring resentment (and you’ve just brought it to the surface).
You’ve unknowingly reminded them of an experience they’d rather forget.
Here’s an example.
Let’s say your partner has been cheated on.
The movie you’re watching features a cheating scene and you react to it (maybe you laughed at a joke or just commented on the situation).
You didn’t mean any harm. You probably didn’t even think about what you were saying. But it brought back a lot of bad memories for your partner.
Their mood suddenly changes.
Beware of this, it’s a surefire sign that your partner is harboring resentment (either toward you or in general).
4) Passive-Aggressive Comments
This is very hard to spot.
The psychology behind passive-aggressive behavior is complex. It involves indirect criticism rather than dealing with the problem directly.
What a person says and what they think may be far apart.
The reason usually stems from underlying resentment or anger.
I’m talking about sarcastic comments or subtle sarcasm. For example: “You did a great job taking out the trash today, I was surprised!”
At first glance, it may seem like they’re congratulating you. But underneath the hood, they’re resentful. They feel like you’re not helping them enough around the house. Get the hint?
Remember this.
RELATED:7 ways a narcissist will exploit your kindness (and leave you feeling used)
Behind all these sarcastic comments is a real problem. They’re not just being mean to hurt you. They’re doing it because they’re frustrated with a situation.
See it as a cry for help.
5) Lack of Affection
Don’t get me wrong.
All relationships have their ups and downs.
But if you notice an unusually long period where your partner doesn’t hug you or cuddle with you on the couch, it could mean there’s a real problem that needs to be addressed.
It needs to be taken seriously.
A recent study examined the effects of deprivation of affection. I’ve found a link between stress, depression, and loneliness.
But why does this happen?
Honestly, there are a million different reasons why your partner might not be as interested in bedroom activities as they once were.
But one of them (you guessed it) is that they’re harboring resentment about something you did.
The only way to know?
Talk it up!
Respectfully express your concerns, and perhaps most importantly, listen!
6) Hesitating to Make Up
Finally, this could be the final nail in the coffin of a relationship.
Because making up is traditionally one of the best parts of a relationship.
It’s all about forgiving, letting go, and moving on.
We all make mistakes (especially after a few drinks).
But if you notice that your partner is starting to hesitate to makeup, it could be a sign that things are about to take a turn for the worse.
Psychologists say that making up is important for healing wounds and recognizing each other’s needs. It can even bring you closer together.
Without making up, resentment will fester and linger.
No relationship is perfect and you have to work towards it. If you feel it’s worth it, be the bigger person and give the olive branch a chance.
