Key Points
Narcissists replace their true selves with an alter ego that is inflated, “above others,” self-obsessed, and extremely egotistical.
Emotional manipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves.
While the narcissist lies and exaggerates to bolster their fragile self-worth, the emotionally obsessed do so to increase their control and dominance.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” – Paramahansa Yogananda
Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who has “buried their true self in response to early trauma and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alter ego often appears as inflated, “above others,” self-obsessed, and extremely egotistical.
Emotional manipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves, and ultimately lose their sense of awareness, identity, and self-worth. The statements and accusations of emotional manipulation are often based on deliberate lies and calculated marginalization. The term emotional manipulation is derived from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is crazy by making her doubt herself and her reality.
There has been much research and writing about the impact of narcissism and emotional manipulation on relationships (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6). While each of these devastating pathologies is often unique, there are certain behavioral overlaps. Below are six common traits, with references from my books: How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, How to Successfully Deal with Emotional Manipulators, and Stop Psychological Bullying. Not all narcissists and emotional manipulators possess all of the traits identified below. However, chronic narcissists and gaslighters are likely to exhibit several of the following traits on at least a regular basis.
- Repeated Lies and Exaggerations
Both narcissists and gaslighters tend to lie and exaggerate frequently (about themselves and others) and have a tendency to elevate themselves by belittling others. While narcissists often seek to make themselves seem superior and “special” through bragging, boasting, taking undeserved credit, and other forms of self-aggrandizement, gaslighters tend to focus on making you feel inferior through false accusations, constant criticism, and psychological intimidation. Both narcissists and gaslighters can be adept at distorting the truth, deliberately telling lies, character assassination, and negative coercion. One key difference is that while narcissists lie and exaggerate to bolster their fragile self-worth, gaslighters do so to increase their dominance and control.
- They rarely acknowledge flaws and are extremely aggressive when criticized
Many narcissists and manipulators are highly sensitive and may react poorly when asked to account for their negative behavior. When challenged, the narcissist is likely to fight (e.g., tantrums, excuse-making, denial, blame, hypersensitivity, etc.) or run away (run out the door, avoid, give the silent treatment, feel resentful, or other forms of passive aggression). The manipulator almost always resorts to escalation by doubling down or doubling down on false accusations or coercion, to intimidate or suppress their opponent. Many manipulative agents view relationships as inherently competitive rather than cooperative; a zero-sum game where one either wins or loses, is on top or the bottom. “Attack is the best defense” is the motto of many people manipulators, which also represents their aggressive approach to dealing with people.
- Projecting a False Image
“My husband always wants people to see him as successful, powerful, and enviable, no matter how shaky his real life is.” —Anonymous Partner of a Narcissist
Both narcissists and manipulators tend to project false, idealized images of themselves to the world, to hide their inner insecurities. Many narcissists like to impress others by making themselves look good on the outside. This “reward complex” can manifest physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, and culturally. The underlying message of this projection is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look how special I am—I deserve everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”
On the other hand, psychological manipulatives often create an idealized self-image of being the dominant, oppressive male or female in personal relationships, in the workplace, or prominent positions in society (such as politics and the media). Many manipulatives like to falsely view themselves as powerful and able to pass judgment and punishment at will. Pathological manipulatives often take pride in themselves and enhance their status by marginalizing those they perceive as weaker, believing that the weak deserve their miserable fate. They attack their victims with direct or covert cruelty and contempt, derive sadistic pleasure from these crimes, and betray their lack of empathy and humanity.
Essentially, narcissists want others to worship them, while manipulatives want others to submit to them. On a large scale, these facades become central parts of their false identities, replacing the real, insecure self.
- Breaking the Rules and Violating Boundaries
Many narcissists and manipulatives enjoy getting away with violating social rules and norms. Examples of narcissistic abuse include cutting in line, chronically not paying tips, violating personal space, borrowing things without returning them, using other people’s property without asking, disobeying traffic laws, breaking appointments, and breaking promises. Examples of manipulative abuse include direct or subtle derogatory comments, public or private humiliation and shaming, sarcastic humor and sarcastic comments, online trolling, angry and hate speech, and malicious attacks on unwanted individuals or groups.
The boundary violations of narcissists and emotional manipulators assume a sense of entitlement, with a narrow, selfish orientation that oppresses and degrades their victims. In extreme cases, this pathological state of boundary violation can lead to illicit and deceptive dealings, financial abuse, sexual harassment, date rape, domestic violence, hate crimes, human rights abuses, and other forms of criminality. Many narcissists and emotional manipulators take pride in their destructive behaviors, as their schemes provide them with an empty (and desperate) sense of superiority and privilege.
- Emotional Invalidation and Coercion
While narcissists and emotional manipulators can be physically abusive (but not always), emotional suffering is where most of their victims feel the most pain. Both narcissists and emotional manipulators enjoy spreading and provoking negative emotions to feel powerful and to keep you insecure and unbalanced. They routinely invalidate other people’s thoughts, feelings, and priorities, and show little remorse for causing pain to the people in their lives. They often blame their victims for causing them injustice (“They wouldn’t get yelled at if they weren’t so stupid!”).
Additionally, many narcissists and emotional manipulators have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama—you never know what might upset or anger them. They bristle at any signs of independence and assertiveness (“Who do you think you are?!”). They become irritated if you disagree with their opinions or fail to meet their expectations. As mentioned earlier, they are sensitive to criticism, but they are quick to judge others. By putting you down and making you feel inadequate, they boost their fragile egos and feel more secure about themselves.
- Manipulation: Using or controlling others as an extension of the self
Both narcissists and emotional manipulators tend to make decisions on behalf of others to suit their agenda. Narcissists may use their romantic partner, child, family, friend, or colleague to satisfy unreasonable selfish needs, fulfill unfulfilled dreams, or cover up weaknesses and flaws. Narcissists also like to use guilt, blame, and victimhood as tools of manipulation.
Narcissists psychologically manipulate individuals and groups through the constant distortion of the truth, with the intent of making their victims doubt themselves and feel insecure. In personal and/or professional settings, they manipulate through micromanaging relationships (control), including telling others how to think, feel, and act under the narcissist’s unreasonable restrictions and scrutiny. They often become critical, angry, intimidating, and/or hostile toward those who fail to submit to their direction. Narcissists’ manipulation is often extremely aggressive, with punitive measures (physical or psychological) being implemented toward those who fail to recognize and obey their self-perceived authority.
Perhaps the biggest distinction between narcissists and gaslighters is that narcissists use and exploit, and gaslighters dominate and control. While the narcissist does so to compensate for a desperate sense of deficiency (of being unloved as the real self), the gaslighter does so to hide their ever-present insecurity (of being powerless and losing control). Both of these pathological types betray an inability and/or unwillingness to relate to people genuinely and equitably as human beings. They become “special” and “superior” by being less human and by dehumanizing others.
