Key Points
Narcissists replace their true selves with an alter ego that is inflated, “above others,” self-obsessed, and extremely egotistical.
Emotional manipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves.
While the narcissist lies and exaggerates to bolster their fragile self-worth, the emotionally obsessed do so to increase their control and dominance.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” – Paramahansa Yogananda
Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who has “buried their true self in response to early trauma and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alter ego often appears as inflated, “above others,” self-obsessed, and extremely egotistical.
Psychological manipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt themselves, and ultimately lose their sense of awareness, identity, and self-worth. The statements and accusations of narcissists are often based on deliberate lies and calculated marginalization. The term narcissism is derived from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is crazy by making her doubt herself and her reality.
There has been extensive research and writing about the impact of narcissism and emotional manipulation on relationships. While each of these devastating pathologies is often unique, there are certain behavioral overlaps. Below are six common traits, with references from my books: How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, How to Successfully Deal with Manipulators, and Stopping Emotional Bullying. Not all narcissists and emotional manipulators have all of the traits identified below. However, chronic narcissists and emotional manipulators are likely to exhibit at least several of the following symptoms regularly.
- Frequently Lie and Exaggerate
Both narcissists and manipulators tend to lie and exaggerate frequently (about themselves and others) and have a tendency to elevate themselves by belittling others. While narcissists often seek to make themselves seem superior and “special” through bragging, boasting, taking undeserved credit, and other forms of self-aggrandizement, manipulators tend to focus on making you feel inferior through false accusations, constant criticism, and psychological intimidation. Both narcissists and manipulators can be adept at distorting the truth, deliberately telling lies, character assassination, and negative coercion. One key difference is that while narcissists lie and exaggerate to bolster their fragile self-worth, manipulators do so to increase their control and dominance.
- They rarely acknowledge flaws and are extremely aggressive when criticized
Many narcissists and manipulators are highly sensitive and may react poorly when asked to account for their negative behavior. When challenged, the narcissist is likely to fight (e.g., tantrums, excuse-making, denial, blame, hypersensitivity, etc.) or run away (running out the door, avoiding, giving the silent treatment, feeling resentful, or other forms of passive aggression). The manipulator almost always resorts to escalation by doubling down or doubling down on false accusations or coercion, to intimidate or suppress his opponent. Many manipulative agents view relationships as inherently competitive rather than cooperative; a zero-sum game where one either wins or loses, is on top or on the bottom. “Attack is the best defense” is the motto of many manipulative people, which also represents their aggressive way of dealing with people.
- Projecting a False Image
“My husband always wants people to see him as successful, powerful, and worthy of envy, no matter how shaky his real life is in reality.” – Anonymous Partner of a Narcissist
Both narcissists and psychopaths tend to project false, idealized images of themselves to the world, in order to hide their inner insecurities. Many narcissists like to impress others by making themselves look good on the outside. This “reward complex” can manifest itself on a physical, romantic, sexual, social, religious, financial, material, professional, academic, or cultural level. The basic message of this projection is: “I am better than you!” or “Look how special I am—I am worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”
On the other hand, manipulative practitioners often create an idealized self-image of being the dominant and oppressive male or female in personal relationships, in the workplace, or prominent positions in society (such as politics and the media). Many manipulative practitioners like to falsely view themselves as powerful and able to issue judgments and punishments at will. Pathological manipulative practitioners often take pride in themselves and enhance their status by marginalizing those they perceive as weaker, believing that the weak deserve their miserable fate. They attack their victims with direct or covert cruelty and contempt, derive sadistic pleasure from these crimes, and betray their lack of empathy and humanity.
Essentially, narcissists want others to worship them, while manipulative practitioners want others to submit to them. On a large scale, these external facades become central parts of their false identities, replacing the real, insecure self.
- Rule Violations and Boundary Violations
Many narcissists and emotional manipulators enjoy getting away with violating social rules and norms. Examples of narcissistic aggression include cutting in line, chronically not paying tips, violating personal space, borrowing things without returning them, using other people’s property without asking, breaking traffic laws, breaking appointments, and breaking promises. Examples of emotional aggression include direct or subtle sarcasm, public or private shaming and humiliation, sarcastic humor and sarcastic comments, online trolling, angry and hate speech, and vicious attacks on undesirable individuals or groups.
Boundary violations by narcissists and emotional manipulators assume entitlement, with a narrow, self-centered orientation that oppresses and degrades their victims. In severe cases, this boundary-busting disorder can lead to illicit and deceptive dealings, financial abuse, sexual harassment, date rape, domestic violence, hate crimes, human rights abuses, and other forms of criminality. Many narcissists and psychopaths take pride in their destructive behaviors, as their schemes provide them with an empty (and desperate) sense of superiority and privilege.
- Emotional Invalidation and Coercion
While narcissists and psychopaths can be physically abusive (but not always), emotional suffering is where the majority of their victims feel the most pain. Both narcissists and psychopaths enjoy spreading and provoking negative emotions to feel powerful and to keep you insecure and unbalanced. They routinely invalidate the thoughts, feelings, and priorities of others, and show little remorse for causing pain to the people in their lives. They often blame their victims for causing them injustice (“You wouldn’t get yelled at if you weren’t so stupid!”).
In addition, many narcissists and manipulators have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama—you never know what might upset them and make them angry. They bristle at any signs of independence and self-assertion (“Who do you think you are?!”). They become irritated if you disagree with their opinions or fail to meet their expectations. As mentioned earlier, they are sensitive to criticism, but they are quick to judge others. By putting you down and making you feel inadequate, they boost their fragile egos and feel more secure about themselves.
- Manipulation: Using or controlling others as an extension of oneself
Both narcissists and manipulators tend to make decisions on behalf of others to suit their agenda. Narcissists may use their romantic partner, child, family, friend, or colleague to satisfy unreasonable selfish needs, fulfill unfulfilled dreams, or cover up weaknesses and flaws. Narcissists also like to use guilt, blame, and victimhood as tools of manipulation.
Manipulators psychologically manipulate individuals and groups through the constant distortion of the truth, to make their victims doubt themselves and feel insecure. In personal and/or professional settings, they manipulate through micromanagement of relationships (control), including telling others how to think, feel, and act under unreasonable constraints and scrutiny from the manipulator. They often become critical, angry, intimidating, and/or hostile toward those who fail to submit to their direction. Gaslighters are often extremely aggressive, with punitive measures (physical or psychological) being taken against those who fail to recognize and obey their self-perceived authority.
Perhaps the biggest difference between narcissists and gaslighters is that narcissists use and exploit, while gaslighters dominate and control. While the narcissist does this to compensate for a desperate sense of inadequacy (not being loved as their true self), the gaslighter does this to mask a persistent insecurity (helplessness and loss of control). Both types of pathology betray an inability and/or unwillingness to treat people honestly and fairly as human beings. They become “special” and “superior” by being less than human and by dehumanizing others.
In the worst-case scenario, some individuals have both narcissistic and gaslighting traits. This is a highly toxic and destructive combination of arrogance, manipulation, bullying, and abuse—all unleashed to compensate for the perpetrator’s deep sense of helplessness and fear.
