One day, you turn around, and for a brief moment, you’re shocked to your core.

Did the narcissist actually compliment me?

Did they say something nice to me?

I can’t believe my luck!…

Reflect deeply. Narcissists are masters of passive-aggression. What’s more, their compliments aren’t the positive statements you think they are.

As usual, a part of them is hidden. Let’s see what these statements are, and what they really mean.

Ah, the good old “compliment”

You should love them, right?

Let’s get one thing straight here. Narcissists refrain from these kinds of comments when you’ve done something good for yourself, or if you’ve achieved a goal you’re incredibly proud of.

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They see you smiling, almost beaming. It triggers a slight sense of fear in their minds.

This person is happy. We can’t accept that. You have to hit the sabotage button and bring them back down to earth before they decide to be more successful than you.

This warning prompts the narcissist to say anything—anything—that leads to this. And while they don’t look at you and tell you how bad or useless you are, they do so indirectly.

And, let’s be honest, this is just as damaging.

Those statements? Here we go.

“You’re so independent, you’re exaggerating.”

Ugh. Okay, first of all, what exactly did you do here?

I’m not going to punish you in any way. I’m here to congratulate you. It feels like a task you took on and completely failed at, even if you thought you couldn’t.

It can be hard to dig deep into this, but when you see the results and finally force yourself to do it, it feels amazing.

But wait… While you’re feeling great for a moment, the narcissist is thinking of all these ways to sabotage that feeling. How can he wipe that pride off your face as quickly as possible?

“You’re so independent. It’s almost too much.”

And here’s what happens. First, the compliment itself, followed by the blatant concern that you’ve started acting like you don’t need the narcissist.

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This will kind of surprise them, and set your progress or accomplishment back a little.

No! Of course not. I love you and everything you do for me. I was trying to do it on my own.

Yes, and now here you are, wishing you hadn’t, feeling bad for even trying, and giving the narcissist back power and control in an instant.

“Wow, you did a great job!”

Surprise!

Doing a great job is a moment we all need to absorb; it’s so rare (rolls eyes).

There’s nothing rare about doing a great job. You’re extremely competent, and you’ve been this whole time.

The only substantive difference is the idea that you somehow lost it because of the narcissist’s control over your life.

And by that, I mean controlling everything.

They like to tell you to sit down, and they will. They like to rob you of a moment to learn or grow, in favor of making you more helpless—or worse—less confident.

“You look good for your age”

Wait!

Did the narcissist just tell you that you look beautiful? Oh my God! That means you look great. What a beautiful thing to-

Oh my God.

Wait.

“For your age?”

What does that mean?!

Exactly. The compliment came, and they had to add the age, didn’t they?

Listen. I’m going to tell you what it’s like to really help you.

Getting older isn’t a luxury available to everyone. If you’re 30, 40, 50, or 60, you’re lucky. You’re alive, healthy, and thriving.

Who’s the narcissist trying to convince you that getting older is bad? Come on!

We all know that comments like these are designed to inundate you with some kind of subtle, aggressive insult. That shouldn’t sit well with you.

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Yes. You’re 55, and you look great. So what?!

“You’re so much smarter than other people. Why waste your time with them?”

Let me be clear: the definition of a good person is how smart they are, not how nice they are.

Of course, that’s narcissistic, and it’s a common saying! That’s how people see it.

If you’re smart, you’re a good-natured person, and you’re a positive person to be around.

If you’re hanging out with people who may not have your qualifications, or may not be as knowledgeable about a topic as you, but are nice and fun to be around—what’s the problem?

Narcissists will try to do this to flatter you and make you feel like you shouldn’t be friends with whomever they choose.

What’s the problem with them? That’s ridiculous, and you need to put them in their place the next time they try this with you.

“You’re so lucky to have me. Most people wouldn’t put up with you.”

That’s just a blatant lie, isn’t it?

Most people wouldn’t put up with you?

What exactly is the narcissist trying to achieve here?

They’re trying to make you feel absolutely terrible, and they assume the world thinks you’re unlovable.

I can’t stand the way narcissists do this. Their self-esteem is so low, they can’t understand where yours comes from.

So, that needs to be eradicated from your system as well.

Talk about your frustration and diminished self-esteem!

I don’t think I need to tell you that you’re unlucky to have a narcissist in your life.

Even when they try to convince you that you are, you have to see beyond the lie to understand the truth.

This is nothing but a manipulation game, and the more they tell you these lies and assure you that they’re true, the more you’ll believe them.

Don’t let yourself be brainwashed.

“You’re beautiful… when you try”

I’ve now reached a point where I just want to say: Tell the narcissist to put a sock in it.

How dare anyone try to flatter you so much that they insult you?

If you don’t decide to wear makeup or style your hair one day because you’re too busy, right? What’s the point of life then?!

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However, we don’t always have to walk like we’ve just stepped out of a movie! Once again, the narcissist projects what they think it should be like.

Just because they’re uncomfortable looking natural or taking a break from the salon doesn’t mean you have to be like them.

You can think for yourself and prioritize your needs without them interfering and trying to correct you.

I bet the narcissist wishes he was as beautiful as you—from the inside out!

Let’s be honest—that’s never going to happen.