Criticizing a narcissist is pointless. In fact, if I could give you negative points for doing so, I really would. It gets you nowhere fast and creates the same kind of pain and conflict you’re trying so hard to avoid.
Narcissists have selective hearing, and they’ll only hear when you hurt their pride. And the ensuing anger will make you wish you’d never opened your mouth.
So what can you do?
A lot, actually. You have more power than you currently give yourself credit for.
6 Beautiful Alternatives to Criticizing a Narcissist.
Just Don’t Criticize Them At All
In reality, what’s the point of criticizing a narcissist? You think you’re right to put them in the spotlight, but for a narcissist, that’s the wrong kind of spotlight.
Related : What is Narcissist Triangulation And Easy 6 Ways To Stop It
Avoid Blaming Yourself Unnecessarily
Narcissists will see you coming with a list of issues you have against them. They will take that list and write your name next to each one.
The worst part?
They will convince you to believe them – and that you are the problem.
This is after so many conflicts rushing your way. They are determined to manipulate you, confuse you, and manipulate you into believing that everything they say about you is true.
UnderstandYourselfInstead – Why Are You a Magnet for Narcissists?
I know it can be hard to believe that you could be a magnet for narcissists outright – and knowing that you are increasing your risk of blaming yourself for all the negativity in your life now that they are around.
In fact, you’ve done nothing wrong. Being yourself means turning up the heat and seeking to be there for others when they need you. You’ll likely gain a lot of good feelings from being yourself and being compassionate.
Narcissists are drawn to people who hang on to their every word and listen to them. They believe the “woe is me” stories the narcissist offers, and the narcissist accepts them like some sort of irreplaceable supply.
NarcissistsLoveStealingA Good Heart
For you — this means you’re perfect for the narcissist. They know they can use their history and tactics to lure you in and seduce you, perhaps for the long haul.
Understanding yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you change in any way; you’re perfect just the way you are. It might look like seeing all the ways you’ve opened your heart to the narcissist, and how they sneak up on you time and time again to take advantage of you.
Related : What is Gaslighting in Narcissism? Narcissistic Gaslighting Explained
If you can see what part of you is allowing this (even unconsciously), then you can start thinking about how to set boundaries to improve your chances of fending them off in the future.
Treat the Narcissist as Neutral Acquaintances
Breaking up with the narcissist means you can completely take away any power they have over your life choices by simply refusing to share in your successes.
Back off from the usual conversations you have with them (you know the ones – where you end up feeling completely exhausted while they walk away smiling to themselves).
Don’t Give Them Anything
Giving the narcissist what we like to call the “grey rock” experience means you’re not interacting with anything at all. The less emotion that is conveyed, the better it is for you, and the less you give, the less things the narcissist can take from you and use for themselves.
Think of your feelings as fuel.
The more you give them, the more they will take and use as a resource.
The gray stone really does work, and not engaging with them means they can’t take what you’re saying and use your words to make you feel worse.
Imagine going to them when you’re feeling sad or disappointed about something, only to be told, “Well, I thought you were jumping the gun by trying that. I didn’t think you’d be up to the task.”
You don’t need to be kicked in the nuts and bolts
Use the gray stone as much as you can, for your own sanity.
Seek out those with experience with narcissism
What does that look like for you?
It’s different for everyone, but in general, seeking out those with experience with narcissism can look like finding a great therapist who can help you unpack exactly what’s going on for you right now.
Related : What is Narcissistic Projection? (With Examples)
It can also look like a friend or family member who knows what the narcissist in your life really looks like. You don’t need someone to nod their head in uncertainty and say, “Well, you know, I don’t think it’s as bad as you say. They seem like really good people to me, and they’ve never given me a reason not to believe who they present themselves to be.”
StayAwayFromFlyingMonkeys
Flying monkeys are people who surround the narcissist and speak up for them if they mumble a bad word. They believe what the narcissist says to them, and respond with support and loyalty.
This can be very frustrating for people like you, who just want someone to say, “I see what you mean. This must be very hard for you.”
Relationships with narcissists don’t lead anywhere – accept it
It’s time to understand that a relationship with a narcissist will lead nowhere. What you’re going through won’t change, and this is the mistake many people make when they give narcissists time to see themselves as people who need a lot of self-reflection.
A narcissist won’t think. The sooner you realize this, the more positive you can look at your future.
So, calling a narcissist out is futile. Your expectations need to change so that you can understand and accept this seriously.
Build Your Life with Hobbies Instead
You deserve to find an alternative way to deal with your urge to call out narcissists.
If it’s safe, healthy, and enriches your life in some way—then go for it.
Related : The Narcissist and Money Control
What could that be for you? Well, I bet you don’t look at your wants and needs enough to think twice about it, but now is a great time to do it.
Use their lack of accountability to your advantage by building your hobbies. Go to a yoga class or take a nice walk when you feel like having one of those conversations with the narcissist.
