Key Points

A covert narcissist fails to develop empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity.

Covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive-aggressive means of controlling others.

The tactics of a covert narcissist may include belittling others, deceiving, and avoiding direct responsibility.

The braggadocio of overt narcissists can make them easy to spot, but what about the covert narcissists in your life?

Recognizing covert personality traits requires looking beyond the obvious, common assumptions and expectations. For this reason, covert narcissism is difficult to spot, and it can take years to recognize it in someone you think you know well. The good news is that once you become familiar with the patterns and signs of covert narcissism, you are unlikely to miss it again.

Covert Narcissism Checklist

The more subtle form of pathological narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), does not manifest itself in the same way in everyone, but there are typical patterns that are very common. If you see many or most of these attitudes and behaviors in someone you know, you are likely dealing with someone who suffers from—and makes others suffer from—covert narcissism. Passive-aggressive

Criticizes and judges from the sidelines

Arrogant and condescending

Feel threatened by honesty and candor

Volatches between idealization and belittling self and others

Denies and ignores others’ feelings

Creates a public image that is very different from his or her behavior

Defines self as a victim

Mocks and ridicules

Makes unreasonable demands

Turns your problems into drama

Despises and blames

Exploits and/or attacks the weaknesses of others

Reacts to questioning or criticism

Plays on sympathy

Pretends or exaggerates illness/injury to get attention

Withholds and ignores

Uses deception

Avoids self-reflection and lacks self-awareness

Uses platitudes instead of real insight

Denys his or her anger

Focuses on injustice

Envious and vengeful

Prefers to stay behind the scenes

Gossip

Holds a grudge
Needs reassurance
Bess is inattentive or upset when he or she speaks to Others
Has double standards
Aversion to losing
Focuses on other people’s problems and misfortunes
Flatters and flirts to gain favor
Exhibits anger and contempt in private
Resists decision-making
Does not apologize sincerely
Avoids direct responsibility
Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement
Impressed by the narcissist’s apparent confidence
Lacks emotional empathy
Focuses on appearance over substance
Rushes into (false) intimacy
Anxious and hypervigilant
Exhibits false modesty and modesty-bragging
Prone to paranoia and conspiracy theories
Strikes normative boundaries and rules of conduct
Moves, pushes, and scrutinizes
Feel special through association
Feel above the norm
Uses guilt and shame to control and punish
Expects care
Runs smear campaigns

Overtender vs. Covert Narcissist

Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-worth in childhood. Both feel inadequate and deal with their underlying insecurities and shame by suppressing these feelings and adopting a grandiose persona, an illusion of superiority and entitlement that they continually assert at the expense of those around them.

Although covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive-aggressive means of controlling others, this is not necessarily because they are introverts, as is often claimed. Rather, they lack the brazen confidence of overt narcissists and fear exposure and humiliation if they draw public attention to themselves. This is often because they have been trained not to compete with a controlling, overtly narcissistic parent.

Recognizing the covert narcissist in your life is the first step to overcoming self-defeating cycles of confusion, guilt, anger, self-blame, and emotional and physical trauma.