Humans actually cannot read people’s minds. However, when we look around us, we certainly act as if we can.

These are not only things I hear around me but I also say them:

“She didn’t call me back. She must be angry because…”
“He never returned my email. He must be thinking…”
“She canceled our coffee date because…”
“He didn’t give me candy because he thought…”
“She asked me not to bring anything to Thanksgiving dinner because she thinks…”

In all the above cases, the first part of the sentence is the truth. He didn’t offer you candy. You canceled your coffee. He did not return your email. But, more often than not, the parts that come afterward are all the dramatic flair we add to our lives when we think we can read their minds.

Tip: When in doubt, shout it out.

How do you avoid this dramatic trap? One word: communication.

You have to ask and communicate with the other. Shockingly simple but often not easy. Get out of “mind reader mode” and enter into a deeper connection by opening your mouth and communicating

Here are some things you can say:

“I feel like something is happening to you. Do you want to talk about it?”
“When I came home today and did that, I made up this story. What was going on?”
“When you said I didn’t need to bring anything for Thanksgiving dinner, my mind made up this story that you…”

Bottom line: You are not a mind reader. You don’t have this skill and it’s dangerous for your relationship to pretend you do. Others don’t think like you. Stop. breathes. I ask.

You take things personally

We add drama to our relationships with our families when we think that the things people do or say have anything to do with us. This is normal and does not mean that you are a narcissist, but rather it means that you have a mind.

Remember, you have to decide whether to listen to your mind or not. Our brain tends to personalize events and then choose the most negative reason why things happen.

I won’t go into the neuroscience behind the negativity bias in our brains here. For now, be aware of the assumptions you’re making, and how your mind makes things personal, and take steps to free yourself from this drama.

Tip: Think of only two reasons

There are multiple reasons why things happen in the world. When you find yourself taking something personally, actively and consciously stop and think of two other reasons why it happened that have nothing to do with you.

When someone doesn’t return your call, instead of talking about you, ask yourself, “What other reasons could they not return my call?”
If your husband attacks you, ask yourself: “Why would that trigger it, or what might happen to him?” You can recognize that they are having an emotional experience but you don’t have to see it as your problem.
If someone cuts you off in traffic, ask yourself: “What two reasons did this person cut off?”

Our mind likes to go straight to the personal: as if that person cutting you off in traffic has something against you. However, when we think that thought we feel angry or upset.

When we use the “two whys” tool, we get into a curious mindset and things look different. The healthiest, most thriving relationships stick to the facts and question the assumptions our brains want to make.

You think you control other people’s emotions

These next two are probably the most common ways to add drama. We think we control other people’s emotions.

We don’t do that.

It is their thoughts that control how they feel. They are always warriors of their ideas.

This is the essence of true emotional adulthood: understanding that it is not the events in our lives that make us feel a certain way but the thoughts we think about those events.

How might this appear to you? Do you hear yourself or your family of origin saying things like:

“If you say that, he’ll get angry.”
“Be careful around Dad tonight, he’s in a bad mood.”
“I better clean the house so he won’t get angry.”
“Make sure to text him so he doesn’t feel alone.”

In all of the examples above, the person speaking assumes that he or she has control over how the other person feels as if our actions make someone else feel a certain way. This is not psychologically accurate and it is in our best interests and our relationships not to add drama in this way.

Advice: Pause and ask.

Stop noticing when you are taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings, and instead wonder how that person’s thoughts affect their emotions. Ask yourself: “What could happen here?” Or “I wonder what they’re thinking to feel this way?”

Let them take care of themselves and you take care of yourself.

You give others control over your emotions

The other side of this coin is that we give others control over our emotions. If something is bothering you, it is because of the thoughts you are thinking about that incident, not because of external circumstances.

If it excites you, it’s about you. When we think anything along the lines of “He’s making me crazy” or “She’s making me mad,” we bring drama into our lives.

It’s important to take responsibility for yourself, how you feel, and what makes you angry or upset.

Being an emotional adult means understanding that it’s not what happens in your life that makes you feel a certain way. It is our thoughts about what happened that make us feel a certain way.

It doesn’t mean that our spouse brings us flowers, buys us a gorgeous piece of jewelry, or leaves us love notes that make us feel a certain way. It’s our thinking about those things that make us feel what we feel. You are responsible for the thoughts you focus on, and therefore you are responsible for how you feel.

It’s not your kids leaving their dishes in the sink or your husband taking the time to return a text that makes you feel a certain way. It’s your thinking about those things that make you feel what you feel.

Being an emotional adult means you realize that if it’s bothering you, it’s about you.

Tip: What do you mean by that?

When my partner (or someone close to me) is teasing me, the tool I use is to pull out my journal and answer the question, “What does it mean?”

This allows me to become an “observer” of my mind. I have to step back and see what I’m thinking to feel what I’m feeling.

Do I tell myself that leaving his socks on the floor means he doesn’t respect me? Do I tell myself that him buying me flowers means he appreciates me? Do I tell myself that because he doesn’t respond to my messages quickly, this means he doesn’t love me?!

I like to ask myself this question because it puts me back in control by allowing me to step back and see what thoughts I’m thinking that will make me feel what I feel.

You think you have no choice

Being in adult relationships means that you can choose to act like an adult in those relationships. We always have to choose who we are in a relationship with. We did not use to.

When we were young, we were in relationships and places that we might not have been able to get out of. No longer. We always have a choice and thinking otherwise adds drama to our lives.

I used to feel a lot of dread and heaviness when I thought about the adult relationships in my life. Why? Because the primary adult relationships in my life were a struggle with codependency, enmeshment, and manipulation.

What I see now is how you brought that drama into my life. I was telling myself I had no choice, I had to do certain things and be with certain people because they were family or because I chose to marry someone 15 years ago.

When I thought these thoughts, I felt afraid and upset. How do I act? Dear warriors, it is not great. I didn’t show up as the best parent or friend to myself. I do what I do to provide tools for all of you and hopefully show you another way.

The people you surround and connect with affect your entire health: financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I notice.

There are a lot of long-term relationships where we say to ourselves, this is the way it is or this is the way we are and we move through our days kind of waiting and thinking, “What?”

What are we thinking? That we will wait until we die? So the kids leave? Until the other person dies? That we don’t deserve any better? I hear you.

During my life, I have had many relationships that drained the life force out of me. I’m here to show you that there is a better way, and this is where you start.

Tip: Be curious.

Open your mind to know that you have a choice to have a relationship with the people you relate to. Then be curious.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself:

“If I wasn’t in a relationship with this person, would I choose to have a relationship with them?”
“After I spend time with this person, how do I feel?”
“How much mental energy do I need to put into managing my mind and emotional state to be in this relationship?”
“Why should I continue this relationship?”

Fellow life coach and author Kristin Hassler talks about “relationship end dates.” If you’re clinging to some relationships that leave you feeling more drained than energized, it’s a good idea to read this article.

What do you think? Have you discovered that you are adding some drama to your relationships? The good news is that you are in control!

Emotional adulthood is having the courage to step back from what is happening in your life to learn and examine your role in it.

What do all these things do in general? They all have to do with our thoughts. This is the free piece of this work. We don’t have to change anything external!

By bringing attention to the thoughts we choose to think, we can remove drama, deepen connections, and form healthy relationships with our family.

Draw attention to what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. You are an adult. You have no right to blame others for how you feel. You feel what you feel because of the thoughts you choose to focus on.

If you’ve been stuck playing the “blame game” for a while, it can be frustrating to learn. I urge you to see The Empowerment Ticket to Life. No one else can make you feel a certain way.

It took me a while to learn, but once I did, it freed and strengthened me. I’d like to help you find that freedom too. everything is possible.

Here are some things you can say:

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