When I was 21, I had a very close friend. Let’s call her Chantelle.
She was everything I wanted to be: beautiful, confident, and sexy. We met at a college party, and from the start, I was fascinated (to say the least).
This was a woman who seemed to know everyone—and I mean everyone—and who was full of funny, exciting stories that had me hanging on to her every word. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of her world.
When I was 21, I had a very close friend. Let’s call her Chantelle.
She was everything I wanted to be: beautiful, confident, and sexy. We met at a college party, and from the start, I was fascinated (to say the least).
This was a woman who seemed to know everyone—and I mean everyone—and who was full of funny, exciting stories that had me hanging on to her every word. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of her world.
But it would take me years to figure out the truth: She was manipulating me.
At first, her manipulations were very subtle—a sabotaging comment here, a nudge in the direction of her choice there.
But over time, I realized that Chantelle knew deep down how to play on my insecurities and desires, slowly shaping me into someone who blindly supported everything she did.
Years later, I look back on that period with a mixture of gratitude and sadness. Breaking free from the friendship was hard, but I want to help you learn from my experience.
If you’re looking for ways to spot a manipulative person (with some solid psychology to back it up)… you’ve come to the right place!
Here are five signs that they’re pulling your strings, starting with a big one: the silent treatment.
1) They’re intentionally ignoring you (or rather, they’re mastering the silent treatment)
A University of Michigan study that experimentally explored manipulation tactics in close relationships—between partners, friends, and parents—found that silent treatment is a clear sign of a manipulative person.
The research found that silence was most commonly used by men to influence potential wives and partners, with respondents reporting that they often used a tactic called: “Don’t respond until she does.”
Well, does this remind you of anyone you know?
These people love the silent treatment because they know how to mess with your mind.
Silence on communications can leave you guessing, and feeling forever annoyed if you’ve done something wrong – and if so, what exactly you’ve done wrong.
This type of treatment leaves you reeling in self-doubt. Suddenly, you apologize just to make the painful silence go away.
It helps to remind yourself that when someone is silent, it’s not about your actions: it’s about control.
2) They praise and reassure you profusely
A groundbreaking study looking at emotional manipulation tactics used in Australian workplaces found that manipulative people tend to offer “reassurance and compliments to influence people’s behavior.”
One reason someone might be overly complimentary of you in the workplace is that it creates a pattern of dependency—the more they compliment you, the more you depend on their approval.
It’s also important to pay attention to timing. These compliments typically come when there’s a lot of tension at work.
In this way, they’re a kind of manipulative diversionary tactic, so that this colleague can better direct your focus away from the real issues at hand.
Also, when you’re bathed in compliments, you may find yourself overlooking their problematic actions at work. In other words, they’ve become adept at keeping you on their side.
If you’re wondering if there’s a certain type of colleague who’s more likely to pull your emotional strings in this way, there may be.
The study also found that males scored “significantly higher” than females in various areas of emotional manipulation in the workplace.
The researchers explored how emotional manipulation in male-dominated environments can sometimes be considered “instinctive” and “adaptive” behavior.
This was found to be particularly true in corporate settings where “stereotypical masculine behaviors” such as “assertiveness” and “independence” are considered desirable traits.
RELATED:If someone is trying to manipulate you, they’ll display these 12 subtle behaviors
If a particular person in the workplace comes to mind when you think of this, you might be interested to know that the study also concluded that managers are “more likely to be cunningly manipulative” than other employees.
3) They undermine your self-confidence
If you’re a woman and you’ve been friends with another woman, you’ll know that sometimes it’s not easy.
A joint study by the University of Central Lancashire and the University of Edinburgh looked at emotional manipulation in female friendships.
“Women tend to use relational aggression as a strategy of manipulation, and in general, women are said to require more subtle methods of manipulation,” the researchers said.
One particular type of “strategy” used in emotional manipulation falls under the category of “degradation strategy,” which can involve “undermining someone else’s confidence” and “using criticism.”
If you have a close friend who undermines your confidence, it might look something like this: Maybe when you share a big achievement at work with this person, instead of shaking hands, you get a convincing eye roll or a completely dismissive comment.
It might seem like this person is not interested in seeing you shine.
No, they’d rather dim your light so they can shine brighter.
They manipulate you excessively because they aim to keep you in a constant state of self-doubt, making you even more dependent on their approval.
Interestingly, the researchers also concluded that manipulation was often seen as “a socially acceptable way for women to connect and build relationships.”
Of course, this doesn’t mean that this behavior is something you should accept in your social life.
Instead, it’s very important to remember that people often do this because deep down, they’re struggling with their fears and insecurities.
By making you doubt your accomplishments, they feel a twisted level of superiority over you.
4) They Nagging to Get What They Want
The same study on female friendships explores a secondary strategy of emotional manipulation, which falls under the category of “false strategy,” which can include “nagging to get what they want.”
Nagging can be a very subtle tool of manipulation.
These friends (or so-called friends) may resort to nagging and playing the victim to get what they want without explicitly asking for it.
When they play the victim, it elicits sympathy from you, making you feel guilty or hurt. Voila, you find yourself giving in to their wishes just to avoid all the usual chaos and drama.
5) They seem to be afraid of losing you, or not getting what they need from you
A study in the journal Social Disability Phenomenology linked emotional manipulation to often being a symptom of a personality disorder, where some people may use “manipulative strategies to ensure their needs are met.”
“Attention-grabbing, often conflicting with the other person involved, manipulative behaviors can be seen as attempts to overcome feelings of disconnection,” the researchers said.
This is someone I can relate to personally! I used to have one friend who, when he sensed that I was drifting away or getting close to finding different friends, would get extremely emotional, and in turn, would make me feel guilty.
Of course, these feelings would magically disappear as soon as I rushed to their side.
They had this habit of creating problems to ensure my full engagement and investment in them. And let me tell you — it was emotionally draining for me!
As the study confirmed, these manipulative people often resort to waterworks and tactics like this because of their deep fear of abandonment.
Beneath the dramatic displays is the worry that if they don’t keep you hooked, you might leave them.
It’s not that they’re inherently bad people. It’s probably more that they’re just deeply afraid of being alone.
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